What is the Purpose of Life?

I think this is going to be a long one...

Life...what is the true purpose of life? Is it to serve others...oneself...God...for love...to create new life...make a difference...soley exist...make more money...search for the unknown...be a martyr...or something else?

I really don't know the purpose of my life. I've been trying to determine my purpose for many years now with little luck. Hypothetically I would like my life to revolve around serving God, but I don't know what that means or what I am supposed to do. For the last few years I've felt as if God has completely turned his back on me and left me in the cold. I am supposed to hear His word, but I hear nothing! I receive no direction, only confusion. Inside I feel consumed by anger, resentment, and regret. I've lived my entire life trying to do the "right" thing and look where I am...in a living hell! I've always put others before myself, didn't even experiment with drugs or alcohol in high school or college, obtained straight A's, was and still am considered so sweet, innocent, and nice, but inside I feel horrible, as if I am living a complete lie.

So if I did live only for myself or in the pursuit of love I would not be married to G, and if I was, I would drop everything in my life and drive to see J, to remove all the "what if" scenarios from my mind. I would gladly start a new family and create life with him, but I just can't in my current relationship. I want to so badly, I cry every time I see a baby, but I just can't with G. I don't see myself with him when I am old, and I don't want to put my children through a divorce or begin a new life when I don't even know who I am.

If I lived soley to make money I would not have a job and degree in human services. I would have studied to be a physician, especially since I am so great in science and math. I would work, work, work, only to die and never get to spend the fortune I spent my life accumulating.

I've already lived my entire life serving others and went into a low paying career to try an make a difference in the lives of others. So far I haven't noticed a difference in the lives of others, only a rapid decline in my desire for life.

I would never take the live's of others to be a martyr, only take my own life to end the pain and suffering (don't worry, I'm not suicidal). I find it so sad that I have to drink to make it through a weekend with my spouse. I don't enjoy spending time with him and have to find anyway possible to escape from the torment of being in the same room as him. From the first time I met him, I thought he was disgusting, scum...he was the last person I ever saw myself with. I guess I have a desire for self destruction.