Thank YOU!
I want to thank all those whom have recently posted comments...I appreciate them so much! I love hearing different perspectives, because they offer me insight into differing world views. I know I am stuck right now and I think hearing from others is a perfect way to burst my little bubble and challenge my mindset.
Yesterday at church I had such a revelation (this occurs every once in a while). I felt like I was hit over the head with a 2x4! Sometimes I just need a little boost to get me over the edge so I can begin to see the light again and I think I received exactly that yesterday. After J sent me his picture with no words or other contact and I attempted to contact him back (even though I said I wouldn't contact him again) with no response, I realized he is playing games with me. I probably burst his bubble by emailing him the last letter about May 14 or so, and he felt compelled to inform me of what I was missing and/or to get me back. I am choosing to no longer partake in the game; I have to let go, because I don't want to be with someone who enjoys playing games with my heart and feelings. So, I DELETED him from IM yesterday! I am so proud of myself, because in order for me to add him back on I have to get his permission, which would be embarrassing. Now I can't see if he is online at all, so I won't sit at the computer wondering if he "might" decide to contact me. I feel like I have been making slow progress in getting over him, two steps forward and 1.5 steps back. I do still love him and always will, but I have to put my feelings aside and do what I know is right. It would have been great to see him one last time and actually get to say "goodbye" in person, but I think it would only cause more problems and confusion for us both.
My husband is great, and I often choose to only focus on the negative. I really need to make a huge attempt to focus on the positive. I would hate it if everyone around me only focused on my failures and short comings, so why do I do it to him? He has changed so much since we first met and becomes more like the man I wish he was every day. I know I can't change him, and when I think about all the good, I don't really want to. He is so untypical of other guys and possesses qualities which I can't stand in a large portion of the male population. He is quick to admit wrongs; adores me to death; tells me more times than I can count how much he loves me and all the little things he loves (always so positive); cooks when I ask him to; cleans when I ask him to on occasion; isn't addicted to sports; doesn't go "out" with the guys; doesn't like motorcycles or dangerous sports; isn't into expensive sports other than skiing; lets me buy what ever I want (I am very thrifty though); loves to spend time with me; is very affectionate; loves to cuddle; always lets me pick out movies; brings me little treats he knows I will enjoy, even though he would enjoy them more; always talks highly of me to others; doesn't have any issues with alcohol or drugs; etc.
So yesterday while in my deleting phase I thought about deleting my entire blog, primarily because of the numerous reminders of J, but then I realized I have grown a lot since I first started blogging. It is important for me to look back to see that I have been making progress, although not noticeable at times. Blogging is an awesome venue for self discovery if one can be honest and not fear what others may think or say, which explains why I choose to keep my blog anonymous. I don't want my family or friends to know about this blog because I would alter my posts to refrain from saying something I might regret or not want them to know. So for now, keeping it real.
Yesterday at church I had such a revelation (this occurs every once in a while). I felt like I was hit over the head with a 2x4! Sometimes I just need a little boost to get me over the edge so I can begin to see the light again and I think I received exactly that yesterday. After J sent me his picture with no words or other contact and I attempted to contact him back (even though I said I wouldn't contact him again) with no response, I realized he is playing games with me. I probably burst his bubble by emailing him the last letter about May 14 or so, and he felt compelled to inform me of what I was missing and/or to get me back. I am choosing to no longer partake in the game; I have to let go, because I don't want to be with someone who enjoys playing games with my heart and feelings. So, I DELETED him from IM yesterday! I am so proud of myself, because in order for me to add him back on I have to get his permission, which would be embarrassing. Now I can't see if he is online at all, so I won't sit at the computer wondering if he "might" decide to contact me. I feel like I have been making slow progress in getting over him, two steps forward and 1.5 steps back. I do still love him and always will, but I have to put my feelings aside and do what I know is right. It would have been great to see him one last time and actually get to say "goodbye" in person, but I think it would only cause more problems and confusion for us both.
My husband is great, and I often choose to only focus on the negative. I really need to make a huge attempt to focus on the positive. I would hate it if everyone around me only focused on my failures and short comings, so why do I do it to him? He has changed so much since we first met and becomes more like the man I wish he was every day. I know I can't change him, and when I think about all the good, I don't really want to. He is so untypical of other guys and possesses qualities which I can't stand in a large portion of the male population. He is quick to admit wrongs; adores me to death; tells me more times than I can count how much he loves me and all the little things he loves (always so positive); cooks when I ask him to; cleans when I ask him to on occasion; isn't addicted to sports; doesn't go "out" with the guys; doesn't like motorcycles or dangerous sports; isn't into expensive sports other than skiing; lets me buy what ever I want (I am very thrifty though); loves to spend time with me; is very affectionate; loves to cuddle; always lets me pick out movies; brings me little treats he knows I will enjoy, even though he would enjoy them more; always talks highly of me to others; doesn't have any issues with alcohol or drugs; etc.
So yesterday while in my deleting phase I thought about deleting my entire blog, primarily because of the numerous reminders of J, but then I realized I have grown a lot since I first started blogging. It is important for me to look back to see that I have been making progress, although not noticeable at times. Blogging is an awesome venue for self discovery if one can be honest and not fear what others may think or say, which explains why I choose to keep my blog anonymous. I don't want my family or friends to know about this blog because I would alter my posts to refrain from saying something I might regret or not want them to know. So for now, keeping it real.
Comments
I don't know if you read what I posted the other day, but I recently found out that my husband left because I was making him feel bad about things; nothing was ever good enough for me, he said. If I could change it all now I would. You can! Just like you said...accept him for the good man he is, and nurture that relationship!!
Now, on the blog thing...there are a few people I actually know who read my blog, but anonymity is huge for me for the most part. Maybe you could create a new blog instead of just deleting? Create a 'next phase' blog or something!