Going Crazy! I NEED ANOTHER OPINION!

I haven't had internet access for the last 2 days and I've been going crazy not being able to write in my blog! Thoughts of J have been flooding my mind with full force. I think I've dreamed of him for the last 4 or 5 nights in a row. I tried everything I know in an attempt to eliminate thoughts of him for the last 5 years and I still can't escape. I feel so trapped in my life and don't know which way I can go.

In my last contact with J, almost a month ago, I pushed him away and left no room for "what if" in the future. I pushed him away for two reasons: first, I thought I could possibly find resolution in closing any open doors in our relationship; second, I wanted him to be happy and I know he really wants a family, which he won't be able to give his all to if he knows we still have a chance. So now one month later I still have no resolution. I want to talk with him to feel out his thoughts, but don't want to interfere again in his life. My heart and soul won't let him go, and subconsciously I am quite sure we are supposed to be together. My problem arises because I am a "play it safe" kind of woman. I am afraid of taking risks and change, which explains why I am currently in my situation. I am married, financially set, have a great job, and a loving husband, but I can't seem to find contentment. The second I start to see a glimpse of peace in my life I am flooded by thoughts of J and how we are supposed to be together. I keep telling myself to hold out a bit longer and the intense feelings will go away or at least diminish to some extent, but they never do. Inside I know what I need to do, but the unknown aspects of a future with J frighten me to death. At least with G I know what my future holds, to some extent. If I am willing to give up my current marriage I also exchange a financially set future for the love of my life. I am by no means a shallow person, but it is difficult to give up a certain life style which only improves by the day. I guess I've never known life another way, so I am afraid of struggling to get by financially instead of emotionally. I keep telling myself I need to get one more step ahead, then I will be prepared to leave, but I've been telling myself the same thing for 5 years and I keep setting higher and higher goals. I am doing the same thing when it comes to children. I can not see myself having children with my spouse, but I really want kids. I tell him one excuse after another. Although I could completely see myself having kids with J, I don't know if we could on our tiny income.

So after explaining my dilemma, what is the right thing to do???????

  • Do I continue in my tireless and ineffective efforts to block J from my life?

or

  • Do I contact J to see what he is thinking and break the barrier of silence between us?

I am curious to know if anyone has experienced as similar situation, what did you do, did it work out, any advice? Thanks!

Comments

Anonymous said…
Quitting asking strangers to make life decisions for you would probably be a good place to start.
6/12/2005 8:11 PM
Anonymous said…
I think your obsession with J is probably not about J but about something else that is missing in your life. You should get counseling and find out the effects of early abuse before making any life altering decisions.
6/13/2005 7:27 AM
Soul Searching said…
I think you have to listen to your heart and stay 100% honest with yourself. What is it about him that you love? Why can't you stop thinking about him? What is it about him that would make him the one you are supposed to be with? Is he really what you want, or does the grass just seem greener right now?

I don't have the answers, nobody reading this does, but YOU do...even if you don't see them just yet. I can't imagine living in the limbo you are feeling, and I wouldn't be able to for long. That's just me. I can't imagine it's helping you mentally, either.

Stay strong, and keep writing. It really helps work some of these tough questions out, but be honest with yourself if nothing else. You'll get there :)
6/13/2005 5:11 PM
Anonymous said…
You know, sometimes the hardest thing to do is make the healthy choice. It's often painful, as I learned today, to do the right thing. But, better to pay that price now rather than pay and pay and pay.
Maybe you're limiting yourself too much. Is it possible that neither of them is the right choice for you?
6/26/2005 7:54 PM
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