Desperation

Today while sitting in training I had a mind blowing revelation. I thought I moved past the abusive relationship with my spouse, but every excruciating minute of class I slowly relived the hell I've been through during the past four years. For so long I've been minimizing and denying the severity of my abusive situation, because I didn't always have bruises. I know all the signs of abuse, but it is so difficult to apply something to myself, because of the mentality that "stuff" doesn't happen to me, only to other people. So many people think domestic violence only includes physical violence, but it is so much more. Often physical violence causes the least amount of long term damage. Wounds may heal in a few weeks, while emotional scars may take a lifetime to heal. During my feelings of desperation today I decided I must see a counselor, before I succumb to taking desperate actions which may cause more harm in the long run. I need someone to process my situation with, whom can provide objective feedback.


Power and Control Wheel of DV



I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

(Chorus)The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burnning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

(Chorus)

There's nothing ever wrong but nothings ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path
I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

(Chorus)

I pretend I'm burning I feel like there is no need for conversation
~ Shinedown "Burning Bright"

Comments

Vespucci said…
As a Crim student, I took a class that delved into this subject deeply. And this worries me. I know it's not my place, but it seems that he gives you a lot of misery. Since I don't know the severity of the subject, it might be pointless to ask this; but I still have got to ask. Have you thought about leaving him?

As part of the class we had a number of women who were in abusive relationships talk to us. One of them is actually in prison for retaliating against her husband. The BWS defense wasn't accepted in her case. But she had a severe life.

I apologize if I'm being a nosy ass, but I really do hope that you'll find your way in this little problem.
6/04/2005 2:36 AM
Searching for the Answers... said…
vespucci~ Thanks for your response. Yes I have thought of leaving on numerous occassions. I relived the past during my training, which felt so real. I am no longer in an abusive marriage, but was for 2.5 years. It took going to jail and loosing me for 5 months for my spouse to alter his behavior. He knows I will no longer tolerate abuse in our relationship, although during heated arguments some verbal shows itself once in a long while. Thank you for your concern, I do appreicate it!
6/06/2005 9:55 PM
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