I Still Feel Confused!

For once I thought I finally took a stand and made a decision, now the question is... can I live with it? Right after I emailed him the letter, I felt incredibly sick to my stomach and immediately started to get a massive migrane. I still feel sick almost 9 hours later. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I still feel the same about him. Half the time I'm not sure if I believe my own psychobabble; such as "love is a choice". If I did have a choice I would not love him, I would move on and refrain from continually dwelling on the past. I've tried time and time again and still feel the same!!! I know we both act as we do because we are so frustrated that we just can't be together. Time and time again we've gotten our hopes up only to have them crash down. We are both afraid of forever loosing out on the chance to be together, to at least see what it could be like just one more time. I accused him of stonewalling, but in a way I did the same thing by sending the letter; I closed the door that has remained ever so slightly cracked since we broke up years ago. On the other hand, I didn't tell him to NEVER contact me again. I always thought ending our relationship on a negative note might help me move on without regrets, but I am slowly discovering new regrets. I certainly don't feel good about the situation and still feel such ambiguity. The pain I feel only intensifies my regret. I wish he wouldn't have told me to never contact him again, because by nature I feel such a strong urge to find resolution. I don't know how he can just leave the situation unresolved. The disjuncture in communication certainly can't lead to any form of resolution for either of us. I guess I will have to learn to deal with the situation. Hopefully I will find my own resolution despite the block in communication. This sucks!

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