I Can't Even Escape in My Dreams!


Last night I had another dream about J. It seems I am always so effected by dreams I have of him. I was attending a party at my grandmothers and he was there. I didn't think he was for me, but he kept trying to get my attention. I felt so excited yet anticipant when I saw him, but so confused about the situation. We were walking towards each other with the intent of finding a quite place to talk when my dang alarm when off! I wish I could have finished the dream, but I had to get up for work. I still miss him and think about him all the time. I wonder if he still thinks of me, and how he feels about our current situation of NO communication...is he grieving like I am? My soul feels so sad; I feel as if I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again. I still love him so much, but I don't understand his methodology. Somewhere in the confines of my mind I still think our situation would work out if we could see each other and just be together. I wonder if all hope is really lost? I am able to block out thoughts of him during the day fairly well, but I can't control my dreams. My dreams invoke such a strong feeling from within to the point I just can't stop thinking about him! I don't' know if I should contact him or leave the barrier which remains in our relationship. I want to contact him, but I'm not sure we can ever be just friends, when we both secretly long for more. I am married and shouldn't have thoughts about another love in my life, but I do and I can't change it because I even dream about him. I feel so sad about the situation and wish I knew what to do. It isn't in my nature to be mean and ignore someone, especially someone I still care so much about. I wonder what thoughts go through his head, does he miss me, think about contacting me, is he mad at me????

I haven't blogged for a while because after almost an entire year my precious family visited. They drove all night and arrived unexpectedly at 9 am when I expected them at 6 pm. I didn't realize how much I really missed them until I held them in my arms. I couldn't stop crying, I felt so happy!

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