Searching for the Answers...

Ok, it is almost 6 pm and I haven't left my house today or even showered. We stayed up until 3 am partying with our neighbors and I am paying for it today. Amazingly I encountered someone last night who reminded me of the devastation of divorce. Her and I were the only women and she completely broke down She was such a wreck and in so much pain over her divorce. I know she had too much to drink, but I swear she cried uncontrollably for 2 hours until I finally got her to fall asleep. The "guys" were still up this morning at 9 am when G and I woke up! I would hate to be in her situation. It seemed she was desperate for anyone or anything to help her rebound. On a different note, I am so excited that I will be leaving for MT in 11 days. I will be gone for 16 days! I haven't been home since last Christmas and miss my grandparents so much. Unfortunately, I had to cut my dogs' hair today so they could enjoy camping. I am so sad their beautiful floor length coats are gon

What wonders polishing off a great bottle of vino can do (I love wine, it provides such a smooth and consistent buzz compared to the ups and downs of hard liquor- I can't believe I drank the entire bottle!) ... I wonder if I'm in over my head? I never knew I never knew that everything was falling through That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue To turn and run when all I needed was the truth But that's how it's got to be It's coming down to nothing more than apathy I'd rather run the other way than stay and see The smoke and who's still standing when it clears Everyone knows I'm in Over my head Over my head With eight seconds left in overtime She's on your mind She's on your mind Let's rearrange I wish you were a stranger I could disengage Just say that we agree and then never change Soften a bit until we all just get along But that's disregard Find another friend and you discard As you lose the argument in a cable car Hanging above as

I feel the temptation slowly creeping in AGAIN! I don't believe in divorce, thus despite my current relational problems I must try to make the best with what I have. I know I've been warned in the past to stop thinking outside the box (per say about my marriage). I can't change anyone but myself and need to accept those around me for who they are (ie. G). By the way, he did fix my tire yesterday. I need to focus on the good instead of dwelling on the negative and past. Even though I may not have been of a sane persona when I decided to marry G at the spur of a moment, I think I need to live with my mistake and make the best with what I have. The problem arises, because I am SELFISH, and only looking out for my own selfish desires, not the greater good of humanity. I believe I can choose to work with God's plan or against it, and in the end his plan will reign anyways with or without me. Why in the hell must I have such a strong subconscious? I know my life would be so d

As much as I would love to be pregnant, I had a shocking revelation last night while laying in bed. I felt an extreme sense of dread when I pondered the thought of actually being pregnant with G's child. I still can't see myself bringing a child into the world with such an irresponsible and immature person. Problem: my clock is ticking and I don't see myself leaving G any time soon. What is more selfish, not wanting to create new life in an unstable situation or wanting to create new life in an unstable situation?

Tire issues continued... Yesterday I found out I would have to wait 3.5 hours for my tires to get changed, plus a 1.5 hour commute, so I decided to wait until today to go to the tire shop. I went to the gym yesterday and fumed about G's treatment and realized he was making any and all attempts to manipulate and belittle me as he did when we first wed. To his dismay, I did not buy into his scheming tactics. I was so furious I couldn't even talk to him. He kept asking me what was wrong and what was my problem. Finally, I told him and it didn't come out nicely, to say the least. I can't remember the last time I really yelled at him, but I did yesterday. Normally I would be quite shaken by him screaming at me, but for some reason it didn't phase me. I think I am emotionally disconnected from him, and much stronger mentally than I was a few years ago. I am much more dependent now, and do not rely on him for anything, as I was so nicely reminded yesterday. He had the au

Today I think I've finally reached the breaking point with G. I am so infuriated I feel like leaving and staying in a hotel for a week or more without telling G anything. It isn't that G won't clean up his messes or that he expects me to be his live-in maid...today my tolerance ran out! He usually drives my car on weekends and returns it with an empty gas tank... a big deal when I have to use my personal vehicle for my job since I see clients in their homes. Today I have 6 appointments and NEED my car. Well yesterday at church our tire was completely flat. We drove home and I asked G to fix the tire or put the spare on. He aired it up so we could go to the store. I asked him to borrow our neighbor's air compressor so he could air it up before he went to work this morning, but he refused and said he didn't need to because it would be fine. Well, he wakes me up at 6:30 am to tell me the tire is completely flat and I will have to figure something out. Yeah...what the h

Last night G and I went to Roy's (Hawaiian Fusion Cuisine)...all I can say is yum! It seems like everyone vacations to Vegas, Hawaii, or California, so I HIGHLY recommend trying this restaurant. My favorites include the Hawaiian Martini, the Alaskan halibut with Bourshin tortellini, and the melting hot chocolate souffle. Order the Prix Five if on a budget to get an appetizer, main dish, and the amazing hot chocolate souffle for one low price. For the quality of cuisine, the prices are very reasonable... especially when compared to G's favorite restaurant- Mastro's (plan to drop your mortgage payment). I guess the steak is unbeatable though...I can't say since I usually go for sea food. Ok, enough about food or I might have to go eat some more. Now, the real reason I'm writing a post... After dinner, while chatting in the lobby, G asked me why I was staring at him so awkwardly. I was actually zoning out and trying to look at G from an outsider's perspective. I

I will apologize in advance to any males who may be reading this and the last entry about menstruation (who feel uncomfortable about female physiology). I feel my recent freedom from pain completely warrants attention. I must say, after I wrote a post about a week ago about the severity of my ailments, I feel much better. I was literally at the bottom, and felt I could no longer tolerate living such a miserable existence. Since then I've continued to feel much better. My allergy symptoms have diminished immensely and my period has been amazing. I've never felt this good during menstruation in my entire life!!!!!!!! I actually went to my total body conditioning class and was able to fully participate, I worked and didn't have to cancel any appointments, and I shampooed all the carpets in my house. I am in complete disbelief...I should be in bed with debilitating pain, so pumped with pain killers I can't think or walk straight. No matter how much pain medication I consum

Well, if today hasn't been fairly interesting... First I wake up dizzy and groggy in a puddle of blood. I must have lost at least 1/2-1 cup, which is a lot for me. All I could say was "hmm, this isn't normal". The greatest thing is that I wasn't in pain this morning. My period was about 2 weeks late, and I wasn't expecting it for at least another week since I usually suffer in extreme pain for 1-2 weeks prior to starting. Then, I definitely know when I am starting because I have at least 2 hours of debilitating pain, yet I had none this morning! This is the first time in my life I haven't been in excruciating pain and I feel so wonderful! I'm asking myself what could be wrong with me because I can move. I've only taken about 1500 mg of IB profin today (half of normal) and I have half the pain. I am so elated. I hope this is actually my period. So after I took a shower and decided to make a hearty breakfast to combat my unusually large blood loss, m

Here is my list of my favorites for summer. I love summer! Dove Irresistible Raspberry Ice cream ... absolutely orgasmic! Online savings account from HSBC with 5.05% APR, plus $25 gift card from Best Buy (compare to 0.5 at most banks) Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie ice cream - the best of hot and cold in one...yum! Lovable, cuddly Maltese - I just can't get enough of my precious puppies. Ben & Jerry's Mint Cookie ice cream - contains entire cookies, not the flimsy flakes found in most cookie ice cream. Cash back credit cards . Citi has one that offers 5% back on ALL gas, grocery, and drugstore purchases, plus 1% on everything else, plus a $100 sign-on bonus. Pay off the balance each month for some easy fast cash, plus Microsoft Money will automatically import your card statement for easy budgeting. I buy EVERYTHING with a credit card and pay my bills too. Credit cards are awesome, they even provide protection guarantees for every purchase if the merchant fails to ret

I obtained this idea from a fellow blogger and thought it would be interesting to actually write oddities down, but found the process very difficult. I switched majors 3 times in college, yet still managed to graduate with my Bachelor's in 3 years with straight A's. I shot my first buck (male deer with horns) at the age of 12 from 500 yards away. It fell so fast I thought I missed. I grew up on a farm and had to lift hay bales twice my size. I am an avid outdoor woman. I can save money extremely well. I have been on NBC, MTV, E!, and in several movies. I made more per hour than my parents in high school and paid cash for my first car. I met all 8 of my great grandparents. All my grandparents are still living. My mom almost died of cancer at the age of 30, and I fear I may have the same cancer, especially since my last doctor referred me to a cancer specialist. I haven't been to a doctor since. If I don't' know how to do something, I figure it out. I am 5'3"

Lately my allergy symptoms have become unbearable. Although I take allergy medication 24 hours a day for 365 days out of the year I can no longer manage my allergies. My eyes are constantly running and on fire, my nose won't stop running, and I can't even breathe out of my nose. In addition, I feel incredibly drowsy. I've tried every prescription and over the counter allergy medication to no avail. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if the physical suffering never ends. It seems that brushing and bathing my puppies exacerbates my symptoms. I've asked G on numerous occasions to help with these tasks, yet he refuses. I would be heartbroken if I had to give up my precious puppies due to allergies. He told me yesterday he won't ever give them up, yet expects me to still groom them daily and suffer with my severe symptoms. He can be such an inconsiderate ass! He usually asks me how I am feeling every day and then asks what he can do to make me feel bette