Stay Positive...

I keep telling myself to "stay positive" despite the hellish confusion of my screwed up life. Although, I've learned through bounds of experience that the harder I try to avoid something (negativity in this case), the more I actually ponder about what I am trying to avoid (ie. ex bf, weight, looks, no job, etc.). I feel the extreme urge to go off on every facet of my life, so here goes!

• My allergies have been driving me insane, why am I plagued with severe allergies 365 days/nights/year? Come on drug companies, why can't you make stronger medication?
• I was painting today and somehow managed to dump paint in my hair and of course I have an interview tomorrow- yah! I guess I can say I've been painting on the side since I can't get a job with my lame degree. Oh, I also received a call from a company whom wanted to interview me for a position I had no experience in, after being impressed by my resume. I told them I'd call back after I reviewed the position, well I did and I guess they already extended an offer to someone else...how nice! It actually made me feel good for once since the pay was 2x what I have been offered lately, but then it turned out to be too good to be true as I suspected.
• For three weeks now I've been searching for fabric to make drapes for my office. I imagine I've spent over 40 hours searching now and I can't find the perfect fabric, I am so frustrated! Who would have thought finding fabric would be so difficult. Fabric can make or break a design, it can say everything or nothing about the style of a room. In my case the entire design hinges upon the perfect fabric I have yet to find. Maybe I'm crazy and need to loosen up my perfectionistic ways?
• Damn...I need to get to the gym. I keep weighing myself to make sure I'm not gaining weight, because it sure looks like I am. I now have a nasty flabby pooch on my stomach and I'm getting fat deposits on my upper legs and arms, how can I not have gained 20 lbs, or even 1? Oh and why doesn't some of that fat make its way to my breasts while its at it, heaven forbid fat actually go the one part of my body I want it to. The scale obviously does not tell all! I must be loosing muscle, which is replaced by tons of fat. Gosh, I wish I had a workout partner. Again, maybe I am focusing more on my body to get my mind of everything else going on? Still, I don't like what I see.
• Now my ex wants me to come see him. He knows I can't, but still insists. I said I could if I brought my spouse, but how dang awkward and weird would that be? I couldn't' imagine, I think I would rather die a slow painful death. I know I won't get to see him now, so I'm supposed to just forget and pretend I have closure. Sorry, but I think not, I've tried more times than I can count. Oh, and I just can't write that letter I was going to write because I NEED CLOSURE first!
• Why does my husband have to be so understanding/sweet? He could at least make my decision easier by being a prick. I always try to ask him questions about his past to see if he still thinks about other relationships. He doesn't remember his first love, at least so he says, but says he only wants to remember me. I am the one, and the first person he has "really" loved... He said he actually forgot a lot about his past relationships, how does he do it? So that doesn't get me anywhere. He knows I have issues with my ex, but doesn't care. I once told him I thought about leaving him and secretly talked to my ex; he also knows I still love him and think about him. Again, he doesn't seem to care. I thought he would be mad, but he said he understood and wanted me to be happy, so do what I need (He at least implied this). I think he would be completely jealous if I said "Hun, I need to leave for a few weeks to go visit my ex", I just can't see him reacting calmly, but I bet he would. I'm afraid to find out though. Who wouldn't be jealous though? He is always so happy and emotionally stable. He is always happy to see me and always compliments me. Why can't I be the same? I'm a moody, emotional mess half the time, but he still loves me and treats me the same.
• Lately I've been relishing in the wonderful feeling of being intoxicated. It sure is a great way to ease tension and make life feel better. Before I would never let myself enjoy the feeling because I grew up with an alcoholic father, whom made my life miserable. I said I would never be like him or cause such harm to my family, but now I am scaring myself. I used to drink maybe 1 time a week, now it is more like 5 or 6! I would have a drink right now if it wasn't so early. This is another aspect of my life I must stop, because it is self destructive behavior. I don't want to become an alcoholic, so I can't become dependent upon using to make me feel better. The same with pain medication. It is so tempting not to live off the dang stuff. Maybe that is why I've avoided refilling my prescription for so long. I'm not trying to give the impression that I have addiction problems, because I don't, but am afraid my actions may lead to a problem. I didn't drink at all in high school and only a tiny bit in college (maybe one drink every two weeks). I've never even used an illegal substance and don't plan to.
• What is the deal with my computer...it sucks! I have to restart it 10+ times a day. Anytime I am in the middle of an important conversation, typing an important email, or receiving an important message (ie. last week) it crashes! Sometimes I feel so tempted to chuck it out the window.
• I've been getting prank calls again. Their number is unavailable and untraceable. It may be the same person who kept bothering me last year, not sure though? They used to call and ask if my husband was good in bed (they knew his name and we are unlisted), then it got scary (ie. death threats on my spouse). I just received three calls the other day all saying "you're hot", etc. Too bad looser whom doesn't have a life, your calls will be blocked now unless you plan to disclose your number, then I will turn you in!