Letter: "The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had to Do"
I found this letter today, which I wrote to my ex in October 2004. I emailed it to him and we didn't talk for quite some time. It seems the cycle started all over again, I don't know how? It seems we can't let go of the thought of being together. Something does need to change, because I can't keep doing this, because every time it tears me apart. I've always thought we could still be friends, but I don't think we can. I feel so torn in telling him to NEVER contact me again, because what if he really is in trouble? I love him and would do anything to help him, just as I would for any of my other friends or family. I don't know how I am just supposed to block him out of my life? On the other hand I can't keep the door open to him either. He has a dangerous job, so what if something happens? The thought of loosing him forever or never getting to see him one last time takes my breath away. I can't imagine life without him, even if we don't talk or are miles apart...I just need to know he is ok. Maybe this letter was part of God's plan to help me move on, just a small step along the way. I will try to take the situation in stride if it gets me one step closer to where God wants me to be. I thought of this letter today as I was staring at a blank page trying to find the words to say goodbye. The words just wouldn't come, but they did when I wrote the below letter, faster than I could type. I know God helped me write this letter, because I know I couldn't have written it in my own power. Maybe I need him to help me again?
Hi. How are you today? I sure hope you are feeling better. I promised I would be the first to let you know if I found some direction, and I think I finally have. It hit me like a ton of bricks last night as I was reading the email I sent you earlier about what I wanted in life. I realized I was expecting myself and others to fulfill all my wants, when God was really the one who could fulfill them all, and has already. I know I am walking blind throughout my life because I can’t foresee the future, but God can. He well be our eyes and lead us on the right path through life if we allow him to. My problem is that I have always been trying to lead myself blind, thinking that I had the answers. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is accept the one thing you don’t want to hear and have avoided hearing for such a long time. It is called denial and such an easy trap to fall into. We all falsely believe we can do anything, we are the answer, we have the answers, and we know what is best, but how can we when we are walking blind? I am here to say I can not do many things anything on my own, because I have tried so hard yet always fail. If God wants me to do something then he is going to have to give me the tools to get through the situation. Last night I realized I just can’t let you go, I can’t live life without you in it, I can’t live in a miserable marriage like my parents have for the last 25 years, I can’t live life without hope, joy, passion, and peace…but I can if God provides me what I need to succeed. I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am feeling so filled with grief but I know it is what I have to do. God only answers our prayers if in doing so he builds his kingdom, which is us. I don’t know what you need to do in your life right now, but I know I am where I need to be at this moment in time. It is so hard for me to accept, and I can’t accept it unless God gives me what I need to accept it. I don’t know the “big” picture. Last night I realized there don’t have to be “what ifs”; if we follow Gods will in our lives we know we made the right choice. I keep beating myself up because I don’t know if I deviated from Gods will by marrying (spouse) or dating you. I struggle knowing that if I did make the mistake in marrying (spouse), God must go against his word to correct it. I have to trust God knows the desires of my heart and will make the best decision for me even if I don’t yet know what it is. He can turn a terrible loss into a complete blessing. For example, our blazer was stolen, which was just terrible and unjust, but now we have a more reliable form of transportation that gets better gas mileage, with a new car that we wouldn’t have been able to afford otherwise. I just have to accept that he can do the same with my marriage. I guarantee it will be one of the hardest things you have ever done in life, but I encourage you to surrender your hopes, dreams, desires, wants, and needs to God. It isn’t until we give God rein of our life that he can lead us back to the right path. I am so sad because I feel I am loosing you all over again when I love you more than I will ever know. I have to have faith and trust that God knows my path and is leading me because I am blind. All I know is that I have to live one day at a time. I am doing what God wants me to do today, not what I want to do, because I have the greater goal of finding the right path in my life again. Believe me, this is the last thing I ever wanted to do. It is so hard to even look at the words I am writing because I don’t want to be writing them. I know though, it is the only way to stop living “what ifs”, and start living “I know”. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I am living this one day as I am supposed to. I hope I have the courage to continue putting my trust in God if only for one day or minute at a time. I feel so heart broken, and just so sad, but if God wants me to do what I am doing and succeed he has to change my heart and desires so I can. I know he doesn’t want to see any of us fail. I think we only fail because we don’t allow him to work in our life.
I feel like there are some things I have to say to you. You are such an awesome, giving person with so many wonderful talents. Even yesterday you blessed me with an awesome gift… your pictures perfectly captured beauty, peace, nature and Gods perfection in harmony. Your pictures were an answer to some of my “wants’ and I didn’t even know it. It is an awesome gift to capture the divine essence of a moment that exudes perfection and inspiration. I feel so blessed to have been a part of your life, because you gave me so much. I know God did answer my prayer by giving me you for that moment in time. He knew the desires of my heart and answered with you! I don’t know if I ever showed you the paper where I wrote down my “ideal guy”, but you were him to a perfect “T”, even down to your hair color and personality. I wrote it before I ever met you or knew you existed. Believe it or not, I wanted adventure and life on the edge, and you were the perfect one to give that to me when I needed it in my life. I have to believe God can work in the same awesome way in my life again. I know he can do the same for you. All I know is that for once I have direction in my life. My direction is to get on the path God wants me to be on. If I had trusted him all along I probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I pray and beg you to get on the right path too. You are at such a critical stage in your life, I would hate for you to deviate from God’s path for your life. I don’t want you to have to go through the same torture I have been going through. I really want joy in my life, and can’t remember being joyful for such a long time. I have to keep telling myself I am doing what I need to find joy once again, because obviously my plan hasn’t been working. I can't see how it is possible, but I know God can. I feel like someone has been gouging my heart with a hot poker for such a long time, making me life so miserable. I can’t continue to live such a life. In reality I have nothing to loose, but everything to gain in hope of finding myself and happiness. I hope I can continue to allow God to intervene in my life, because it is so difficult to surrender. I cried myself to sleep last night and haven’t’ stopped since I woke up. It is so hard to accept. I think God has been telling what I needed to do for such a long time, but I didn’t want to hear it. It is the same when a loved one dies…we just don’t want to accept it so we go on in denial thinking we can do something to turn back time or change what has already occurred. Gosh, I just love you so much! I know God has a plan for your life too, and I can’t interfere because I may be preventing you from following your path. I know Gods path leads to fulfillment. I always thought I loved you so much I could never let you go, but now know I love you enough to let you go. I can’t, but I have to. If this is what God wants he will help me in the process. I don’t know what the future holds for you or me, but I know what I must do today. I love you, God loves you, I want you to be happy, and I know God wants you to be happy and fulfilled too. He wants to fill the missing pieces of your heart, but you have to allow him to.
Love Always,
(me)
Hi. How are you today? I sure hope you are feeling better. I promised I would be the first to let you know if I found some direction, and I think I finally have. It hit me like a ton of bricks last night as I was reading the email I sent you earlier about what I wanted in life. I realized I was expecting myself and others to fulfill all my wants, when God was really the one who could fulfill them all, and has already. I know I am walking blind throughout my life because I can’t foresee the future, but God can. He well be our eyes and lead us on the right path through life if we allow him to. My problem is that I have always been trying to lead myself blind, thinking that I had the answers. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is accept the one thing you don’t want to hear and have avoided hearing for such a long time. It is called denial and such an easy trap to fall into. We all falsely believe we can do anything, we are the answer, we have the answers, and we know what is best, but how can we when we are walking blind? I am here to say I can not do many things anything on my own, because I have tried so hard yet always fail. If God wants me to do something then he is going to have to give me the tools to get through the situation. Last night I realized I just can’t let you go, I can’t live life without you in it, I can’t live in a miserable marriage like my parents have for the last 25 years, I can’t live life without hope, joy, passion, and peace…but I can if God provides me what I need to succeed. I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am feeling so filled with grief but I know it is what I have to do. God only answers our prayers if in doing so he builds his kingdom, which is us. I don’t know what you need to do in your life right now, but I know I am where I need to be at this moment in time. It is so hard for me to accept, and I can’t accept it unless God gives me what I need to accept it. I don’t know the “big” picture. Last night I realized there don’t have to be “what ifs”; if we follow Gods will in our lives we know we made the right choice. I keep beating myself up because I don’t know if I deviated from Gods will by marrying (spouse) or dating you. I struggle knowing that if I did make the mistake in marrying (spouse), God must go against his word to correct it. I have to trust God knows the desires of my heart and will make the best decision for me even if I don’t yet know what it is. He can turn a terrible loss into a complete blessing. For example, our blazer was stolen, which was just terrible and unjust, but now we have a more reliable form of transportation that gets better gas mileage, with a new car that we wouldn’t have been able to afford otherwise. I just have to accept that he can do the same with my marriage. I guarantee it will be one of the hardest things you have ever done in life, but I encourage you to surrender your hopes, dreams, desires, wants, and needs to God. It isn’t until we give God rein of our life that he can lead us back to the right path. I am so sad because I feel I am loosing you all over again when I love you more than I will ever know. I have to have faith and trust that God knows my path and is leading me because I am blind. All I know is that I have to live one day at a time. I am doing what God wants me to do today, not what I want to do, because I have the greater goal of finding the right path in my life again. Believe me, this is the last thing I ever wanted to do. It is so hard to even look at the words I am writing because I don’t want to be writing them. I know though, it is the only way to stop living “what ifs”, and start living “I know”. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I am living this one day as I am supposed to. I hope I have the courage to continue putting my trust in God if only for one day or minute at a time. I feel so heart broken, and just so sad, but if God wants me to do what I am doing and succeed he has to change my heart and desires so I can. I know he doesn’t want to see any of us fail. I think we only fail because we don’t allow him to work in our life.
I feel like there are some things I have to say to you. You are such an awesome, giving person with so many wonderful talents. Even yesterday you blessed me with an awesome gift… your pictures perfectly captured beauty, peace, nature and Gods perfection in harmony. Your pictures were an answer to some of my “wants’ and I didn’t even know it. It is an awesome gift to capture the divine essence of a moment that exudes perfection and inspiration. I feel so blessed to have been a part of your life, because you gave me so much. I know God did answer my prayer by giving me you for that moment in time. He knew the desires of my heart and answered with you! I don’t know if I ever showed you the paper where I wrote down my “ideal guy”, but you were him to a perfect “T”, even down to your hair color and personality. I wrote it before I ever met you or knew you existed. Believe it or not, I wanted adventure and life on the edge, and you were the perfect one to give that to me when I needed it in my life. I have to believe God can work in the same awesome way in my life again. I know he can do the same for you. All I know is that for once I have direction in my life. My direction is to get on the path God wants me to be on. If I had trusted him all along I probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I pray and beg you to get on the right path too. You are at such a critical stage in your life, I would hate for you to deviate from God’s path for your life. I don’t want you to have to go through the same torture I have been going through. I really want joy in my life, and can’t remember being joyful for such a long time. I have to keep telling myself I am doing what I need to find joy once again, because obviously my plan hasn’t been working. I can't see how it is possible, but I know God can. I feel like someone has been gouging my heart with a hot poker for such a long time, making me life so miserable. I can’t continue to live such a life. In reality I have nothing to loose, but everything to gain in hope of finding myself and happiness. I hope I can continue to allow God to intervene in my life, because it is so difficult to surrender. I cried myself to sleep last night and haven’t’ stopped since I woke up. It is so hard to accept. I think God has been telling what I needed to do for such a long time, but I didn’t want to hear it. It is the same when a loved one dies…we just don’t want to accept it so we go on in denial thinking we can do something to turn back time or change what has already occurred. Gosh, I just love you so much! I know God has a plan for your life too, and I can’t interfere because I may be preventing you from following your path. I know Gods path leads to fulfillment. I always thought I loved you so much I could never let you go, but now know I love you enough to let you go. I can’t, but I have to. If this is what God wants he will help me in the process. I don’t know what the future holds for you or me, but I know what I must do today. I love you, God loves you, I want you to be happy, and I know God wants you to be happy and fulfilled too. He wants to fill the missing pieces of your heart, but you have to allow him to.
Love Always,
(me)
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