How Ironic... I Keep Shooting Myself in the Foot!

I am so sick of my life! Every time I make up my mind to do something it blows up in my face, which would explain my confusion. My ex IM me tonight and said "are you just going to ignore me?". I guess I was, funny! Anyway, I guess HE CAME TO SEE ME on Thursday and I didn't know about it. He didn't know I didn't know, and it sounds like a mess. I guess he sent me a message and my computer crashed as I went to read it (was it irony?), hence I didn't receive his message to call if I wanted him to come and see me. Damn! So he drove 4 hours out of his way and waited for me to call...I think he was less than 10 miles from my house. How sad, I bet he felt so disappointed and bummed. I would have been pissed! He didn't seem mad, just disappointed. I know exactly how he feels because I went to a wedding in his home town only because I wanted a chance to see him before I got married and he was out of town. I felt so defeated and didn't know what to do since I lost out on my chance to see him.
Now what do I do? He did what I wanted him to, the thing I never thought he would do, proved it wasn't just a game to him, took the situation seriously, broke off his relationship w/ his fiance, and I didn't get to see him! He told me he would keep his word, he did, and I didn't believe him. Oh ye of little faith!
Maybe, just maybe I can force myself to believe the situation worked out as it should have and we aren't supposed to be together. I mean the same thing happened a year ago. He had plans to see me, then was transferred at the last minute and couldn't' even call to say he couldn't come for over 2 months! Maybe we are experiencing a reverse of all the signs that brought us so close together, and now all irony or God are/is trying to break us apart? Who knows? Maybe I do, but I don't want to admit the truth. I felt an urge to read the bible the other day...something I should do, but don't very often. I opened it up to an section on adultery and avoiding temptation...how ironic? Maybe God is trying to tell me to move on and stop thinking about adultery. How weird that my computer also crashed the second I was about to read "call me if you want me to come", when I received his other messages "I am leaving xx today" and "take care". From reading his first 2 I would believe he is saying goodbye with no intent to see me, hence my previous posts. Receiving the last message would have changed everything! One dang message. I also had the same strong feeling when we were so close before (read "it had to be fate" post). For some reason I felt the strongest urge to get ready, because he was here on Thursday. I kept thinking he would come to my door, but he didn't, and again I thought it was all in my head. How could he say he didn't have my # or address? I gave them both to him, but he doesn't remember. How can I let him go now when he kept his word? How can I not let him go when I have to move on? I actually felt as if I were making progress, now it seems I've been pushed back to square one all over again! I am so frustrated I could scream!
Now I feel like I need to call him. I really feel so bad about the situation. Why couldn't he have just blown me off? It would have made blocking him from my life so much easier. I thought I had the situation figured out, but I guess whenever I think I have life figured out it blows up in my face and I have to begin reconstructing the pieces all over again. I told him I didn't think he would come and figured he was blowing me off again, because 2 weeks ago he mentioned he didn't think he had a reason to come see me. In response he said he didn't need a reason, but just wanted a chance to see me.
The other day my mom told me feelings come and go, so we need to use our heads when making decisions. I know her words ring true, but why is it so hard? Feelings are so strong and persistent, while intuition quietly sits mute in the background.

I picked lemons today, tomorrow I will make lemonade (really!). Life gave me lemons, so I'm making lemonade, but I don't want lemonade! "Lemonade" does not represent a solution to the terrible situation I am in, I wish it could only be so simple. Lemonade is sour, I don't want sour, I want sweet...I better put more sugar on my list. (yes I've now had a wonderful glass or two of wine, sweet wine). I have to lighten up once in a while. It isn't good to be so serious all the time, which I am.

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