Processing...
I need to be studying, but need to process through a few things on my mind first. It seems that all my emotions have been coming to the surface lately and I need to work through them, even though I don't want to.
First, I am wondering what my family's problem is? It seems they have been avoiding/ignoring me ever since our vacation in July. It was our attempt at visiting family while actually doing something fun and vacation like. However, it seems to have backfired. I haven't talked to my dad or brother since July. I talked to my sister once, after calling her over 5 times. She said she was busy and would call me back...which was two weeks ago. I've talked to my mom about 2x, both calls I initiated. I've called my brother at least 3 times and he never calls me back. I am thinking, what the hell? Since they are ignoring me all I can do is assume what their issues are. I'm guessing they are pissed because we aren't spending over $1500 this Christmas to fly home. We decided to go on an actual vacation instead and it seems they may not like it. I really do miss my family and spending time with them. However, it feels as if they are too far gone now. I feel like giving up on them and ignoring them too. Family members have had babies and no one told me about it. I don't know anything going on with my family. Why would I want to move home if they treat me like this? They were the only reason I wanted to move home in the first place.
I'm frustrated with my body. I started seeing an accupuncture fertility specialist and ever since it seems like I am making less progress. She can't determine what my actual issues are, other than I have so many she doesn't know where to start. For the second month I've been told that we will need to start from square one. The last two months have been terrible...I feel like I really am going into menopause and I'm 26! It isn't even drug induced this time. I'm having hot flashes again, not sleeping well, and haven't ovulated in 2 months now. I was supposed to get some blood work done, but can't because I have to ovulate first. My prolactin levels are high so I have to get retested and my other test also came back abnormal. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something...something I've been thinking about ever since Friday.
Maybe, I really don't want to have kids with G on a subconsious level? I think I am becoming consiously aware that I really don't! If I do have kids with him I see myself raising the child by myself, plus being his live-in house keeper and personal assistant. He is irresponsible and can't even help care for our dogs. I am not an optimist by believing things will magically change if we have kids. He doesn't do anything now and I certainly don't expect him to help out if we have kids. He lies to me and seems to think it is ok. He lives only for himself and what he can get in life. I've read that infertility can result from being with the wrong partner. There have been documentations of people becoming pregnant after getting with the person they really want to be with. I think this is the point where I really say "I am giving up". If it happens or doesn't happen, then so be it. I've been making various sacrifices during the last year to do everything in my power to prepare my body for pregancy. On the other hand, G has done the exact opposite of what he is supposed to do. It seems I am the only one working towards a goal he may not even give a shit about. He says he wants kids, but maybe not with me or maybe not at all? I don't know? He won't talk to me about "personal" issues and he doesn't want to hear my opinions. I have a dream and it doesn't involve G.
I remember when he literally used to lock me in the house so I couldn't escape from him. I wonder if that is all I am to G...a trophy to be locked away in a cabinet or something to be owned? Even when we aren't arguing I feel like I am living a fake life. Sometimes I still think it will eventually turn into something real if I keep smiling and pretending long enough. I think I am looking for fulfillment in the world, thus I am bound to feel disappointment. I shouldn't allow the world to influence my happiness and sense of well being. As G was screaming at me yesterday I thought he was going to hit me. Somehow I was able to block everything out and felt a sense of peace. It doesn't make what he did ok though! Although, I do need to find a way to feel at peace with my life despite the storms.
First, I am wondering what my family's problem is? It seems they have been avoiding/ignoring me ever since our vacation in July. It was our attempt at visiting family while actually doing something fun and vacation like. However, it seems to have backfired. I haven't talked to my dad or brother since July. I talked to my sister once, after calling her over 5 times. She said she was busy and would call me back...which was two weeks ago. I've talked to my mom about 2x, both calls I initiated. I've called my brother at least 3 times and he never calls me back. I am thinking, what the hell? Since they are ignoring me all I can do is assume what their issues are. I'm guessing they are pissed because we aren't spending over $1500 this Christmas to fly home. We decided to go on an actual vacation instead and it seems they may not like it. I really do miss my family and spending time with them. However, it feels as if they are too far gone now. I feel like giving up on them and ignoring them too. Family members have had babies and no one told me about it. I don't know anything going on with my family. Why would I want to move home if they treat me like this? They were the only reason I wanted to move home in the first place.
I'm frustrated with my body. I started seeing an accupuncture fertility specialist and ever since it seems like I am making less progress. She can't determine what my actual issues are, other than I have so many she doesn't know where to start. For the second month I've been told that we will need to start from square one. The last two months have been terrible...I feel like I really am going into menopause and I'm 26! It isn't even drug induced this time. I'm having hot flashes again, not sleeping well, and haven't ovulated in 2 months now. I was supposed to get some blood work done, but can't because I have to ovulate first. My prolactin levels are high so I have to get retested and my other test also came back abnormal. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something...something I've been thinking about ever since Friday.
Maybe, I really don't want to have kids with G on a subconsious level? I think I am becoming consiously aware that I really don't! If I do have kids with him I see myself raising the child by myself, plus being his live-in house keeper and personal assistant. He is irresponsible and can't even help care for our dogs. I am not an optimist by believing things will magically change if we have kids. He doesn't do anything now and I certainly don't expect him to help out if we have kids. He lies to me and seems to think it is ok. He lives only for himself and what he can get in life. I've read that infertility can result from being with the wrong partner. There have been documentations of people becoming pregnant after getting with the person they really want to be with. I think this is the point where I really say "I am giving up". If it happens or doesn't happen, then so be it. I've been making various sacrifices during the last year to do everything in my power to prepare my body for pregancy. On the other hand, G has done the exact opposite of what he is supposed to do. It seems I am the only one working towards a goal he may not even give a shit about. He says he wants kids, but maybe not with me or maybe not at all? I don't know? He won't talk to me about "personal" issues and he doesn't want to hear my opinions. I have a dream and it doesn't involve G.
I remember when he literally used to lock me in the house so I couldn't escape from him. I wonder if that is all I am to G...a trophy to be locked away in a cabinet or something to be owned? Even when we aren't arguing I feel like I am living a fake life. Sometimes I still think it will eventually turn into something real if I keep smiling and pretending long enough. I think I am looking for fulfillment in the world, thus I am bound to feel disappointment. I shouldn't allow the world to influence my happiness and sense of well being. As G was screaming at me yesterday I thought he was going to hit me. Somehow I was able to block everything out and felt a sense of peace. It doesn't make what he did ok though! Although, I do need to find a way to feel at peace with my life despite the storms.
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