The Meaningless Passing of Time
I don't understand why everyone around me assumes I have a perfect life? Many people in the past month have mentioned that they look up to me and think I am a very strong person. I am humbled by them, but feel so weak and like such a mess. At any second I could just burst into tears although I may be smiling 2 seconds before. I think I use other people in my life as an excuse not to feel my emotions. I don't want to burden them with my countless issues so I pretend I am ok, when inside I am so depressed. Most of the time I convince myself I am fine too, but I've been cracking more frequently during the last month. If I didn't try to get on with my life and actually processed my emotions and my depression I don't think I could get out of bed each day. I need to find a balance between functioning and processing my emotions. It seems like it is one or the other at this juncture in my life.
I would describe my relationship with G as "Blah". It isn't good or bad, just there. All of the daily business gets taken care of, but our mental and emotional connection is non-existent. G spends most of his time watching TV or working. We rarely even have a conversation about anything besides updates on our day... never touching on an emotional level. He falls asleep on the couch every night and stays there 5/7 nights even if I tell him to come to bed. I really need some passion and a connection in our relationship. I believe my recent and reoccurring dreams about J result from our emotionally and passionately cold relationship.
My dream last night seemed like I was almost reliving the decision in my life to marry G, but in the present. It was if I was going through the motions and emotions all over again, yet was thinking...I can't let this happen again. I knew G was going to propose, but was pleading in my head for it not to happen. I was thinking of J and hoping he would call me. My alarm went off before I could finish the dream. In some way I think dreams reflect our inner conscious and often those emotions we won't allow ourselves to feel while we are coherent. I still wonder how J is doing, but don't feel it would be appropriate to contact him. If he has finally started to move on, I don't want to play a role in holding him back.
I secretly wonder if God still has a better plan for me than I could imagine for myself? Then I wake up and realize this is my life and I will have to live with it, good or bad.
Tomorrow I visit the fertility specialist. I am hoping to have lab results completed to determine how much more screwed up my body is after taking Lupron. I will then present the results to a naturopath who can hopefully help me. My insurance will pay for fertility consultations and diagnosis, but nothing else. Some days I care about having kids, other days I completely give up and convince myself I will be fine without them.
I would describe my relationship with G as "Blah". It isn't good or bad, just there. All of the daily business gets taken care of, but our mental and emotional connection is non-existent. G spends most of his time watching TV or working. We rarely even have a conversation about anything besides updates on our day... never touching on an emotional level. He falls asleep on the couch every night and stays there 5/7 nights even if I tell him to come to bed. I really need some passion and a connection in our relationship. I believe my recent and reoccurring dreams about J result from our emotionally and passionately cold relationship.
My dream last night seemed like I was almost reliving the decision in my life to marry G, but in the present. It was if I was going through the motions and emotions all over again, yet was thinking...I can't let this happen again. I knew G was going to propose, but was pleading in my head for it not to happen. I was thinking of J and hoping he would call me. My alarm went off before I could finish the dream. In some way I think dreams reflect our inner conscious and often those emotions we won't allow ourselves to feel while we are coherent. I still wonder how J is doing, but don't feel it would be appropriate to contact him. If he has finally started to move on, I don't want to play a role in holding him back.
I secretly wonder if God still has a better plan for me than I could imagine for myself? Then I wake up and realize this is my life and I will have to live with it, good or bad.
Tomorrow I visit the fertility specialist. I am hoping to have lab results completed to determine how much more screwed up my body is after taking Lupron. I will then present the results to a naturopath who can hopefully help me. My insurance will pay for fertility consultations and diagnosis, but nothing else. Some days I care about having kids, other days I completely give up and convince myself I will be fine without them.
Comments
I disagree. If you don't process your emotions and let yourself feel them, then you will continue feeling like you're going to burst into tears at any moment.
I don't know you beyond your blog, so I'm gonna give you unadulterated and objective advice: Leave G- and good God whatever you do don't have a child or adopt one with him. It's selfish to want one (that's not a judgment on your character, just an observation of your desires) and one shouldn't be brought into a home where its mother is sure she made the wrong choice in a husband (and father). You have no idea how telling that dream is that you described in the next post. Do not bring a child into your life if it and your emotional state are as big of a mess as you describe it. Where are you going to find the patience the child would need when you feel like this? Examine your reasons for wanting a child. Go beyond the maternal instinct you have and look for the emotional ones. Is it to complete you, or make you whole or healthy in some way? Do you think it will improve your relationship with G? Wrong reasons to have a child and it won't accomplish any of those. I'm trying to help you from making a huge mistake that you're not aware that you're about to make because you're blinded by your desire to have a child. I'm sure you're going to take it personally and I'm sorry I'm not trying to be hurtful. I've been reading what I assume are your deepest thoughts for what- 3 years now. If you told your most trusted friend the things that you write on here they'd be saying what I'm saying- if they gave a shit about you. I don't even know you personally and I feel like I need to yell and wave my arms to show you that you're driving too fast and not looking at what you're headed for. Fuck. What can I do for you to help you see the light? Don't even think about J and just focus on this mess for now. Help yourself, then tackling the rest will not only be possible but will be a piece of cake.