Searching for the Answers...

I've been wanting to address this issue for several months. My mom mentioned a few months ago that our decisions in life stem from value judgements. Value judgements result as one experiences life, then makes a decision about how life will be lead according to the positive or negative experience. Value judgements mold the essence of our being and provide a small window into our soul. For example, as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home, I decided I would never let alcohol hurt my family. I didn't drink at all until I was at least 21, and only became intoxicated a few times. I quickly realized a negative habit forming when I craved alcohol to cover up my emotions, so I no longer drink at all. My dad also had an affair that I had to tell my mom about. I resented him for being so selfish and subconsciously swore I would never be with or tolerate a cheater. To my dismay, I married one and essentially became one myself. Thus, my judgement may explain my torment in my decisi...

What a difference a week can make! On Monday I started drinking 3 cups of a specialized Chinese herbal formula. I noticed an immediate difference. For the first time in three months I had energy and didn't crash in the afternoon. The same effects have continued thought the week and I'm even experiencing fewer hot flashes. The only problem is that the formula makes me gag, but it is a small price for the awesome effects. During my Thursday acupuncture treatment my acupuncturist asked if I experience difficulty with decision making. I thought about it, and completely agreed. Prior to her blunt question, I never viewed myself as indecisive. She said it can be cause by an issue with the gall bladder and liver. Supposedly she treated both during my session, so I will see if I feel more decisive. Earlier this week I could not decide if I wanted to take my final injection or not. Once I thought I made up my mind to get the injection, my acupuncturist called and told me she found seve...

The last week has been a blur, complicated by incessant migraines and fatigue. I feel as if I'm literally loosing my mind. I can't remember the events of one day from the next. In the last 1.5 months I've made two mistakes paying my bills, resulting in extra charges and likely decreases in my credit score. I swear I completed the bill payments correctly, yet have nothing to prove otherwise. I've NEVER screwed up my bills before and have twice in 1.5 months? It just doesn't equate? I also have a huge list of things to take care of. I make several calls per week, yet still can't get any of them resolved. I ask G to make the calls and he forgets or doesn't have time. When he does make a call it seems he can reach resolution in a few minutes, when it takes me weeks or months. I hate that I must ask for help because I'm used to taking care of myself, the dogs, working and going to school full time, and our entire household. For some reason I can't even m...

After 8 years I finally apologized to my friend for being a terrible friend. I had a disturbing dream about her a few weeks ago, which highlighted how I really perceived her. In high school she became pregnant and told me she wanted to have an abortion. She could not legally have an abortion without her parent's consent , yet she found a doctor to perform the procedure. I begged her to not go through with killing an innocent life and told her she would regret her decision for the rest of her life. Little did I know that I would regret my decision to be what I considered a "good" friend at the time. Because I couldn't change her mind I decided to support her by helping her get the money to pay the doctor and going with her. I will never forget the trauma I experienced when I heard the machine chopping up her innocent child. Afterwards the doctor gave her birth control pills and told her to abstain from sex for at least 2 weeks. Well she met a new guy a few days e...

Although I've been extremely busy the past week, efforts to hopefully improve my health seemed to fall into place. I learned that one of my clients is studying Chinese medicine and acupuncture . She made me an appointment for Saturday for a consultation and acupuncture session. I'm excited, yet a little hesitant since I prefer to avoid needles. She said acupuncture has been proven to increase infertility and help with numerous other health issues such as poor circulation, asthma, and allergies. I also went to the gym for the first time in over a year! Graeme would be so proud that I attended my first yoga session. I'm not so sure about the whole yoga thing yet, but am willing to give it a try. I have a few days left of my "trial" gym membership to decide. I certainly felt a little sore afterwards. I also tried to use the elliptical machine and felt like an old woman. I am so out of shape, I could hardly breathe after only a half mile because of an asthma attack...

First, sorry I haven't written in over a month, if I even have any readers left. I have been wanting to write for some time, but I just don't have the time. I went to my home town for a great 3 week visit! Unfortunately, I came home to the same craziness I wanted to leave behind. I read my last blog earlier today and it made me cry; I wasn't prepared to feel the emotions of everything I am dealing with. I try so hard to keep my health issues to myself, because I don't want to seem like the self absorbent person, who uses illness to gain attention. My blog seems to be my only true release. People always ask me how I am doing or feeling and I give the generic "fine", even though they are probably thinking I look terrible. Every day is such a struggle to get out of bed. I'm so glad I have a job where people rely on me, otherwise I would not get out of bed. I wake up every day feeling like I have a horrible hang over, with every muscle aching (as if I did a st...

The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs. I was an emotional wreck the first week after my surgery. In week two I moved into what I thought was "acceptance", but more along the lines of denial. In week three I moved to post-denial, which is where I write from today. The more I research my "condition", the more hopeless I feel. The more I read about the injection I received to help my endometriosis go into remission, the more I doubt my decision. Some people say it ruined their life and still have negative side effects over 10 years later. The optimist in me doesn't want to believe the negative things I've read, because people tend to vent when upset, rather than rave when experiencing wonderful effects. It is sometimes used to treat advanced prostate cancer. I almost wish I were diagnosed with cancer, because at least I might die from it, rather than living the rest of my life in pain. Endometriosis could actually be considered a benign type ...