Searching for the Answers...

As many of you know, I underwent surgery on Thursday. The doctor let me go home, but I was in unbearable pain and passed out 3 times- every time I tried to get up. G called the on-call nurse and she told him to bring me into the doctor. I went to the doctor's office on Friday morning and he reviewed the results with us, then sent me to the ER. They did CT scans and an EKG to rule out blood clots or major complications. They couldn't find anything but gave me stronger pain medication and fluids. I returned home from the hospital yesterday at 7 pm. My doctor said I have severe endometriosis that invaded all of my reproductive organs. He mentioned the severity has been causing my infertility. He removed as much as he could, but could not access the portions growing inside of my organs. He said the surgery will not be effective for more than 1-2 months because it will grow back to the same level in only 1-2 months. My only other option was to take the drug that puts me into a state...

Only a few more days until my big surgery. I'm not able to think about it due the the immeasurable pain I've been in the last few days. I can't take ANY medication before my surgery and just started my period yesterday. In over a decade I have never made it through my period without heavy medications and now I have nothing! Even with my regular medications, the pain is unbearable. It seems that the cramps the week before I started this time were the same intensity as a normal period, and the first three days I usually can't even get out of bed. Last night I went to bed early in tears with a massive migraine and so much abdominal pain. I feel as if someone has a mixer on high, with knives attached and is ripping apart my insides, not to mention it feels like some one kicked me 15 times in my lower back. I am essentially living breath to breath right now. I can't wait until I can wake up from my surgery heavily medicated so I don't feel the pain anymore. The only...

I just realized my last post was #200! I've written quite a bit in a little over two years and have grown so much. I can't believe how much I've moved forward to a happier place. Blogging has definitely played a huge role in my development. I have a lot of news since my last post. We returned from our mini vacation on Saturday. We had so much fun! Sadly, my sister left this morning, but I will be home in about 5 weeks. I thought being so close to J would be difficult, but didn't think about him very much. I occasionally looked for him at the different beaches and thought about what he might be doing, but it wasn't an overwhelming feeling. I did envy his job to no end. As I love sea animals and couldn't imagine being a dolphin trainer. Someday I would love to just touch one. I feel confident in my decision to stay with G. J assumes a life different than I ever imagined for myself. Although, I assume it would be much different if we ended up together. The above p...

Yesterday, G left for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for "work". I was quite upset, because as of Tuesday he still hadn't emailed me his itinerary. He made a huge deal about having to go to work before he left because he "forgot" every day for the last week to email it to me. I was feeling a bit paranoid about ulterior motives because it seemed like he was trying to hide something, but I feel fine now. I can trust that he isn't the same person he used to be and is a responsible, committed husband. Hence, only 6/15 people made it fishing today because they were hung over and only 3 actually fished because the others were sea sick. I'm happy he could go, but a little jealous because I want to be there too! He is staying in a $400/night room at the ME Cabo ...seems like a very nice, trendy resort. He is eating lobster for dinner every night. Today he went fishing today and caught a 150lb blue marlin! He is also fishing tomorrow and then coming home on Saturday ...

Ever since I was little and went through the stages of changing "what I wanted to be when I grew up", only one aspect of my dreams remained constant...I wanted to be a parent. After several years of living in fear and denial, I've finally decided to accept that I may not have children. My fear has prevented me from scheduling a surgery I should have undergone probably a decade ago. As a result I have lived in unbearable pain for far too long! I feel at peace and ready to finally face the biggest hurdle in my life. I am prepared to deal with any findings or complications that may arise as I go under and awake to hear the results of my surgery. Out of the hundreds of possibilities, I know God has a greater plan for my life. Whether his plan involves continuing to trudge through this life or the long awaited reunion with him. I can say, I've finally found the peace I've been searching for and the courage to follow through. "The peace of God, which transcends all...

I've been incredibly busy lately with school and work. I rarely have a moment to myself. I've been trying to schedule my next surgery for 2 months now. I keep playing phone tag with the doctor's office. I haven't had time to call in the last week, but hopefully will on Friday. I haven't been sleeping well at all and feel so wired. I have to spend all day tomorrow in the classroom and need to get up in 3 hours now. I'm a little freaked out at the "risks" associated with the surgery I need to schedule. I may be able to get in as soon as July, but am hoping for mid August. I will be traveling home for 19 days around August, so I could save some vacation if I spent some time recovering while on my trip home. I can't believe how emotionally stable I feel, compared to my life 1-5 years ago. I think I'm getting much better at blocking my emotions. I've certainly been thinking of J more since I will be in his town in 3 weeks. No matter what I may f...

As our trip to CA draws closer each day, I can't help but wonder why things can't be different between G, J, and I? In a sense, I wish J and I never had a serious relationship, but were just serious friends. I hate that we will be so close to him, yet can't even say "hi". I'm sure he knows the best beaches, could show us around , and would even let us meet his dolphins. Unfortunately, I had to ruin it by falling in love with him. Although, in hindsight, I don't think we would have been such great friends if we didn't fall in love.