Searching for the Answers...

As I was stuck in traffic on the way home today for 45 minutes longer than normal I asked myself..."does it really matter?" Sometimes we focus so much on the tiniest things in life, while loosing sight of the important aspects. I mean how much does it matter if I am a few minutes late arriving home? I can use the additional time commuting to reflect and have self revelations. Why do I find it so difficult to live in the present and take each moment and day for what it really is? I usually spend so much time focusing on the past and future am not even aware of the present, yet I look back and regret the lost time. Why is it so difficult to live in each second, minute, hour, day, etc. instead of continually hoping and wishing to the time to go by faster? Why can't I look forward to each minute of each day instead of looking forward to only a time in the present?

I want to thank all those whom have recently posted comments...I appreciate them so much! I love hearing different perspectives, because they offer me insight into differing world views. I know I am stuck right now and I think hearing from others is a perfect way to burst my little bubble and challenge my mindset. Yesterday at church I had such a revelation (this occurs every once in a while). I felt like I was hit over the head with a 2x4! Sometimes I just need a little boost to get me over the edge so I can begin to see the light again and I think I received exactly that yesterday. After J sent me his picture with no words or other contact and I attempted to contact him back (even though I said I wouldn't contact him again) with no response, I realized he is playing games with me. I probably burst his bubble by emailing him the last letter about May 14 or so, and he felt compelled to inform me of what I was missing and/or to get me back. I am choosing to no longer partake in th...

I think this is going to be a long one... Life...what is the true purpose of life? Is it to serve others...oneself...God...for love...to create new life...make a difference...soley exist...make more money...search for the unknown...be a martyr...or something else? I really don't know the purpose of my life. I've been trying to determine my purpose for many years now with little luck. Hypothetically I would like my life to revolve around serving God, but I don't know what that means or what I am supposed to do. For the last few years I've felt as if God has completely turned his back on me and left me in the cold. I am supposed to hear His word, but I hear nothing! I receive no direction, only confusion. Inside I feel consumed by anger, resentment, and regret. I've lived my entire life trying to do the "right" thing and look where I am...in a living hell! I've always put others before myself, didn't even experiment with drugs or alcohol in high sc...

I will start from the semi-beginning (for the very beginning of my relationship w/ J read my first few posts). J and I dated for 2 years. We were instantly smitten with one another and felt a strong connection from the second we knew of one another. We were both one another's' first true love. We broke up almost exactly 2 years after we first met because J needed to find himself apart from me. Our lives were so interconnected even though we lived so far apart he was afraid he would possibly give up all of his dreams for me. I wanted him to be happy, so told him we should break up, so we separated on January 3, 2000. Our intentions were to separate to clear our minds, then get back together and marry. Everyone who knew us was certian we would marry and couldn't believe we ever broke up. After separating from J I lost my mind and tried to focus on any negative aspect of our relationship. After living with intense pain for 3 months I decided I couldn't go back with him, be...

My friend S just called while I was checking my email. I opened my box to find an email from J! It didn't say anything or even have a title, but inside he attached a HOT picture of him flexing his buff chest. I am seriously freaking out. I don't know what it means? S told me to email him back and pretend as if nothing happened...play nice, but how can I? I was tempted to just say "what does this mean?", but she said "No Way!", so I just said "Hi" through IM, and now I am waiting for a reply....nothing yet, and it has been 5 minutes! So now I am really freaking out because all the "what if" scenarios are reeling through my head... what if it was a mistake, a mass emailing, an attempt to play a game or to see my reaction, ignore me once I talked to him, show off ,... what does it mean???

So G & I have seriously been discussing taking a small 3-4 night trip to SD where J now resides over the 4th of July weekend, so my "day dream" wasn't so unrealistic . After checking out a few hotels on the beach and finding them all booked, I think we may shoot for Labor day? I feel such an incredible urge to contact him and tell him I might be in town. I don't know how he would react or if he would even talk to me. I am afraid of him ignoring me though, so at this point, fear is keeping me from contacting him. I also don't want to interfere with his life especially if he is try to move on. I would love it if he could show us around or at least give us some advice as to great beaches and snorkeling areas; but would that be super awkward? I haven't seen him in 5 years and to see him for the first time with my spouse seems so weird. I couldn't handle myself if he were to go to the beach with us... think Brad Pit in Troy... Damn! I think the situation w...

Today I went to the gym for the first time in almost 3 pathetic years and damn it felt good! I love the gym, I love working out! I feel so good about myself when I am doing something to actually stay in shape instead of just relying on my genes and eating habits. Who knew the simple act of exercising could make me feel so damn sexy! Exercise also releases endorphins, which are hormones that promote happiness and well being (could be the endorphins talking?). After becoming fed up with my husband's pathetic excuses as to why he can't go to the gym I decided to let his fat ass sit on the couch and go by myself. He did have big plans to work on the yard tonight (yet another excuse) and I came home to him sitting on the couch. He managed to drive a single screw, now that is some intensive yard work! Anyways, I think he was actually jealous because he asked, "why did you change, why did you brush your teeth...seems to me like you are doing something more than the gym", or ...