I Almost Forgot...
I almost forgot how good it felt to vent via my blog. Life has been so crazy and busy I just can't find the time. I feel like I've made some progress towards my goals. However, I still have constant battles from within. My health has been the number one factor and battle. I continue to go to acupuncture on a bi-weekly basis and drink 2 cups of awful herbal concoctions per day. Why???????????????????????? Well, somewhere inside I still have a ray of hope that I may be able to conceive children some day. I actually drink squirrel dung!!! Am I crazy or desperate? On the other hand, part of me wants to let go. I think I have for the last three months. I blocked out the emotions that make me feel sad in exchange for complacency and lack of apathy.
For the last few weeks I've felt like I have a ton of bricks on my chest. It hurts to breathe and I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. It feels like I can't get enough air. I'm supposed to be working on deep breathing exercises, but I just can't do it. I wonder what is wrong with me? Is it physical or emotional...I wish I knew? I did discover that I have some type of autoimmune disorder, where my body attacks itself ie: asthma, allergies, Raynaud's Syndrome, Endometriosis, Ovarian cysts, just to name a few. I wonder why I was given this lot in life? I already took a day off work last Monday because I couldn't get out of bed. The month before I was so close to wanting to end the pain, the only way I knew how. I went through the hell of surgery and drugs not only for the hope of conception, but because I could not bear the pain any longer. Unfortunately, the pain seems worse and I've had no reprieve. I don't know how much longer I can emotionally bear the physical pain. I can't even vacuum without feeling horrible (feels like I have the flu) for 3 days! I'm at a complete loss. Some days I can keep down food, others I can't. I wake up with the bed soaking wet. I just wish I knew what I could do to feel better?
On the up side, G and I are doing well. I feel like we keep growing and developing a stronger bond. He has become my cup of hot cocoa on a cold winter day. Our relationship isn't passionate and intense, rather comfortable, familiar, and secure. I used to long for the intensity of new relationships (I still do on occasion), but I would rather have familiar any day. Looking back, I'm so glad I stuck through the valleys, because the hills keep becoming higher. I think I've learned to overlook the small stuff in lieu of the big picture. We rarely argue anymore.
Another good area is that G was recently promoted and received a decent raise. I almost feel guilty that we are doing ok in this economic downturn, but again, I have my own battle. However, most of my friends make the same or more than us and are struggling due to poor money management. I don't feel bad for people who aren't willing to help themselves. Although, I do know hardships happen and unexpected things happen; such as getting 2 speeding tickets in 3 months!
I slowed down on school. I'm taking 2 classes now. However, I have a huge exam in July where I have to demonstrate knowledge of everything I learned in college. I'm dreading taking it and studying. Yes, I'm going on vacation, but yay for me, I have to spend the whole time studying because I have to take my exam one week after returning. I wonder what the point of the vacation even is if I can't relax and enjoy myself.
For the last few weeks I've felt like I have a ton of bricks on my chest. It hurts to breathe and I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. It feels like I can't get enough air. I'm supposed to be working on deep breathing exercises, but I just can't do it. I wonder what is wrong with me? Is it physical or emotional...I wish I knew? I did discover that I have some type of autoimmune disorder, where my body attacks itself ie: asthma, allergies, Raynaud's Syndrome, Endometriosis, Ovarian cysts, just to name a few. I wonder why I was given this lot in life? I already took a day off work last Monday because I couldn't get out of bed. The month before I was so close to wanting to end the pain, the only way I knew how. I went through the hell of surgery and drugs not only for the hope of conception, but because I could not bear the pain any longer. Unfortunately, the pain seems worse and I've had no reprieve. I don't know how much longer I can emotionally bear the physical pain. I can't even vacuum without feeling horrible (feels like I have the flu) for 3 days! I'm at a complete loss. Some days I can keep down food, others I can't. I wake up with the bed soaking wet. I just wish I knew what I could do to feel better?
On the up side, G and I are doing well. I feel like we keep growing and developing a stronger bond. He has become my cup of hot cocoa on a cold winter day. Our relationship isn't passionate and intense, rather comfortable, familiar, and secure. I used to long for the intensity of new relationships (I still do on occasion), but I would rather have familiar any day. Looking back, I'm so glad I stuck through the valleys, because the hills keep becoming higher. I think I've learned to overlook the small stuff in lieu of the big picture. We rarely argue anymore.
Another good area is that G was recently promoted and received a decent raise. I almost feel guilty that we are doing ok in this economic downturn, but again, I have my own battle. However, most of my friends make the same or more than us and are struggling due to poor money management. I don't feel bad for people who aren't willing to help themselves. Although, I do know hardships happen and unexpected things happen; such as getting 2 speeding tickets in 3 months!
I slowed down on school. I'm taking 2 classes now. However, I have a huge exam in July where I have to demonstrate knowledge of everything I learned in college. I'm dreading taking it and studying. Yes, I'm going on vacation, but yay for me, I have to spend the whole time studying because I have to take my exam one week after returning. I wonder what the point of the vacation even is if I can't relax and enjoy myself.
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