Closer
I should be working or completing papers for school, however I'm stalling. I just read Gramae's blog, which I haven't visited for a long time. He reminded me that even though we are over someone, we may still think of them in retrospect to make decisions and adjustments to the future; which brings me to thoughts of J. He deleted his myspace account, so I have no way of knowing anything that is going on in his life, aside from asking him directly (if I even remembered his email address). I decided I'm ok with letting go. I really want him to find happiness. I wish he could realize happiness doesn't have to be with a specific person. Life is what you make of it despite your current situation. Part of me still wonders if we could have been happy together, and I honestly don't know? A huge part of me knows how immature I was 9 years ago and all the drama may have been too much. The part that kills me is that I'm fairly sure he isn't a Christian. Would having a Christian in his life have made a difference as it did with G? G has mentioned that he would not be a Christian today if I wasn't in his life. I can't take the credit, but I still pray for J. I want the chance to see him in the next life.
After 6 years of marriage I think I'm finally starting to feel at peace with where I'm at. I've always believed that God can turn something negative into positive if we trust Him and let go. I've learned to let go of the things that infuriated me before. For example, although I want and need a clean house, G doesn't and has no concern for one. He left the garbage sitting outside the door for over a week now (a lovely breeding ground for roaches), and he hasn't washed the dishes for 6 days, when he told me he would do them on Saturday. Instead of flipping out and holding a grudge, I just let it go. It will get done sooner or LATER. I realized I married a lazy procrastinator when it comes to home related projects. I can't make him do anything, and getting pissed off about it won't solve anything either. If I have such a problem with it I guess I can do everything myself or just let it go. I really don't know what else to do? I wish it wasn't that way, but I can't change G. He doesn't seem to have any expectations of me. He never asks me to do anything. I don't know what that means, but maybe he is ok with the way things are. I read once that women are always trying to change men, and men like women the way they are and just wish women would stop trying to change them. I don't know if it is true or not?
For some reason my blog has always been about several parts of my life, but I've neglected to incorporate the most important part. Part of me wonders if I will turn people off, but I am writing this for me so I can look back and chart my progression and sort through my jumbled thoughts. I'm amazed daily at how God can work in my life and the lives of those around me. I love being around my Christian friends because it seems like they can read my mind. When I need something they are there with exactly what I needed. I've been learning to listen to God with rewarding results. One of my good friends has been struggling with her walk lately. Sometimes something will just come to mind that I need to tell her (something I never would think of) and it ends up being exactly what she needed to hear. To me it seemed pointless or had no meaning and I couldn't even imagine how it could relate to her life. God tells us that he will give us more responsibility once we prove trustworthy with the small things. I finally think I'm starting to understand and obey the small things.
The more I learn and grow, the more I realize that I was not ready for parenthood even 6 months ago. I don't even know if I am now. Can one ever really be ready for taking on the responsibility of another human life? I don't know, but assume we do the best we can with the resources at hand. Raising a child in the world today scares me more than anything. I can't believe the negative influences and all the unhealthy things we can no longer escape. I think technology and capitalism will be our demise in the end. The more I think about the world, the more I wish we lived in a communal society where everyone shared everything (except for partners...I'm not for the polygamist society). The world would not have a money system and people would not go without. However, I know it can never be possible on earth. People are naturally self-centered and greedy. They must turn against natural instinct and choose the higher road of selflessness.
After 6 years of marriage I think I'm finally starting to feel at peace with where I'm at. I've always believed that God can turn something negative into positive if we trust Him and let go. I've learned to let go of the things that infuriated me before. For example, although I want and need a clean house, G doesn't and has no concern for one. He left the garbage sitting outside the door for over a week now (a lovely breeding ground for roaches), and he hasn't washed the dishes for 6 days, when he told me he would do them on Saturday. Instead of flipping out and holding a grudge, I just let it go. It will get done sooner or LATER. I realized I married a lazy procrastinator when it comes to home related projects. I can't make him do anything, and getting pissed off about it won't solve anything either. If I have such a problem with it I guess I can do everything myself or just let it go. I really don't know what else to do? I wish it wasn't that way, but I can't change G. He doesn't seem to have any expectations of me. He never asks me to do anything. I don't know what that means, but maybe he is ok with the way things are. I read once that women are always trying to change men, and men like women the way they are and just wish women would stop trying to change them. I don't know if it is true or not?
For some reason my blog has always been about several parts of my life, but I've neglected to incorporate the most important part. Part of me wonders if I will turn people off, but I am writing this for me so I can look back and chart my progression and sort through my jumbled thoughts. I'm amazed daily at how God can work in my life and the lives of those around me. I love being around my Christian friends because it seems like they can read my mind. When I need something they are there with exactly what I needed. I've been learning to listen to God with rewarding results. One of my good friends has been struggling with her walk lately. Sometimes something will just come to mind that I need to tell her (something I never would think of) and it ends up being exactly what she needed to hear. To me it seemed pointless or had no meaning and I couldn't even imagine how it could relate to her life. God tells us that he will give us more responsibility once we prove trustworthy with the small things. I finally think I'm starting to understand and obey the small things.
The more I learn and grow, the more I realize that I was not ready for parenthood even 6 months ago. I don't even know if I am now. Can one ever really be ready for taking on the responsibility of another human life? I don't know, but assume we do the best we can with the resources at hand. Raising a child in the world today scares me more than anything. I can't believe the negative influences and all the unhealthy things we can no longer escape. I think technology and capitalism will be our demise in the end. The more I think about the world, the more I wish we lived in a communal society where everyone shared everything (except for partners...I'm not for the polygamist society). The world would not have a money system and people would not go without. However, I know it can never be possible on earth. People are naturally self-centered and greedy. They must turn against natural instinct and choose the higher road of selflessness.
Comments
Re: your comment on my post: a) I didn't buy the gun for bears. It's not nearly powerful enough. I carry bear mace for them and it is a lot more effective. I bought it out of fear of the direction our country seems to be going. There's a lot of desperation up here with people unable to get by with the rising cost of everything; b) I read the bible cover to cover when I was 13-14 yrs old. I went to all my Sunday school classes and attended a Catholic high school. The problem I have with Jesus being the actual "Son of God" is that I don't think he actually claimed to be so. The story of his life wasn't written down until 70+ years after his death- and it was written in a different language than he spoke (first gospel was written in Greek, Jesus spoke Aramaic). I believe a lot of what he said was mistranslated, misinterpreted, and embellished. Think about how mutilated a story gets that you tell someone and it comes back to you through someone else a week later. Then imagine the words of a man that were translated through several different languages before it was even written down 70 years later! His message is one of the most profound ever and should be followed, but I don't think he wanted to be or even imagined that he'd be remembered as the "Son of God". I'm not harping on your beliefs. We all find peace and solace in different places and I try to not criticize if someone gets it somewhere different than I do.
Glad you're back and sounds like you've gone through quite a bit the past few months.