Searching for the Answers...

If you just walked away What could I really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel? I am the mess you chose The closet you cannot close The devil in you I suppose 'Cause the wounds never heal But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could learn to feel Sometimes the things I say In moments of disarray Succumbing to the games we play To make sure that it's real But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could learn to feel When it's just me and you Who knows what we could do If we can just make it through The toughest part of the day But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could Learn how to feel Then we could Stay here together And we could Conquer the world If we could Say that forever Is more than just a word If you just walked away What could I really say? And would it matter anyway? It wouldn'

The last few days G and I have been on a spending spree. We bought our little boy Teddy and went to an auction yesterday, not intending to purchase anything. We arrived and saw the most beautiful antique bedroom set from Italy. I knew we could never afford it but figured we should stay for the bidding. Well, after the set was well above our range G raised his card and we ended up being the highest bidders. It was completely impulsive, but I don't think we will regret our purchase in a few years. We can always sell it and double or quadruple our investment, so I guess I'm not really worried. I am concerned about our excessive spending the last few months though. I don't think it is possible to reach our savings goal for this year now.

Today I decided I am going to stop taking my anti depressant medication. After a 2.5 month trial period I am not impressed with the results. I don't feel like myself anymore. I actually think I felt more depressive with the medication. I was supposed to take the medication to reduce stress, which would thus reduce my pain and to reduce the incidence of migraines. Well, my pain has increased substantially in the last few months. My migraine headaches have diminished though; I only average about 3/month as opposed to 8 or more previously. I can live with migraines, but not the pain I've been feeling lately. I also felt like my judgment and intellect has been clouded. I haven't been focused or able to think clearly lately either. I took half a dose today and will continue to reduce the dose for the next 2 weeks. I expected to feel very depressed today, but I actually feel great. I accomplished so much at work and thought very clearly. I am also in a good mood, despite my migra

I am finally making progress towards change in my life! I went to the doctor yesterday for a second opinion, yet unfortunately I couldn't be examined because I started my period two weeks early! Anyways, she ordered an ultrasound which I will obtain next Friday so the doctor's can see what else may be wrong with me before surgery. The doctor I saw referred me to a cancer specialist, so I am waiting to see what is up with her referral. She hasn't called me back yet. At least I am seeing doctors though instead of trying to ignore my problem. My pain is becoming more difficult to ignore, because case in point....I almost passed out on the way to work yesterday because I was in so much pain. I can't take my strong pain medication and drive or think straight, so I really need to determine a solution. It sounds like drugs are my only option, because the doctor told me I could suffer in pain my entire life even with a hysterectomy. I felt so happy G was able to attend my doc

Yay, no work today for me. I love Government work...sometimes. Yesterday I finally caught G's cold and became ill. I still feel terrible today but am in an upbeat mood. I mean who wouldn't love sleeping in, playing w/ a precious puppy, shopping, and cooking all day? I love to cook and bake but I don't have time now that my job consumes the vast majority of my life. For Christmas, G and I will be traveling to our home town, where the temperature is substantially cooler than my current local. I went shopping for sweaters and jackets for my little gal. I will have to post a picture because she is so darn cute. She is so cute I couldn't stop laughing, poor thing couldn't even walk in some of the parkas I bought for her. Don't go thinking I am crazy now! What can I say, I love my dog and she is my replacement child, so of course I have to spoil her. I can't go shopping for a child of my own. It is so difficult to shop for dogs, there isn't a lot of variety.

Gosh, I have been going crazy since I've been unable to use my computer for almost a week now! Something so huge happened and I've been needing to write about it to get it off my chest. In the midst of my desperation and drunkenness I instant messenged J! Yeah! I said very mean and terrible things which I don't care to repeat. He didn't respond back of course until the next day. The first thing he said was..."what was that all about?". I told him I didn't remember, but I was sorry for contacting him. He then pasted my nasty comments so I could see what I wrote. I apologized but told him it was probably what I really felt and he agreed. I told him I probably could never have children. He said he still loves me and wouldn't care if I could have children or not, even though he really wants kids some day. He said he has still been struggling to move on and doesn't want to end up in a situation like me, where he is married but still in love with me. I

Holy cow. I just drank a few shots and damn, I am sure wasted! I don't know that I've ever felt like this before. I haven't drank for quite some time since I'm not supposed to mix alcohol w/ several of my current medications, oh and I forgot to eat today. I used to be able to down 15 or so shots just fine, but I guess a highball of vodka is just too much right now. If I had J's number I would call him now, how dumb is that? I actually I'Med him and said horrible things. I found his yahoo address through an email my friend Mel sent me. She doesn't BBC her messages so I get all the people. Damn, I feel so dizzy. I hope I can make it downstairs. I already twisted my ankle trying to go down once before. I wish G were here. I need someone and I am all alone. I couldn't take the pain and heartache anymore. I had to attempt to block it out at least for a few hours. I hope I can get up for church tomorrow. Crap, what in the hell am I doing? I can't believe I

J~ I saw your website today. I have to say I am utterly appalled! I could literally hurl! Do you have any self respect, or respect for women at all? I can't believe I've spent so much wasted time and effort pining over you. Please, please get on with your life and never attempt to contact me again. I think I am officially over you. Obviously you've really changed over the last few years and I do not know who you are anymore. Yuck!!! I feel like such a dumb ass right now! I just can't believe it. I feel scared for life now. My perception of you has done a 180 in 1 second. Wow. I am just shocked. Good luck in your majorly F***ed up life! I guess mine isn't as bad as I thought. Really, thank you so much for making getting over you easy.

Last night I experienced difficulty falling asleep and sleeping. I really miss G and love to cuddle with him at night. Since G is on vacation I let my little puppy, sleep with me even though I am allergic to pets. My allergies really act up when I sleep with her, but I didn't care. It helps to sleep with another living being. For the life of me I couldn't stay asleep... I didn't fall asleep until 12:30 am, I awoke at 3:30 am and 5:00 am, then laid in bed until 8:00 am trying to rest when I finally gave up. In between brief periods of sleep I dreamed of J. I remember the dream very vividly because I didn't go back to sleep afterwards. We met in a parking lot and went to a store. I gathered some items and planned to purchase them, but he wouldn't let me pay. I felt guilty for meeting him and especially since he purchased something for me, even thought the entire transaction was only $40. I could sense he was expecting something to happen between us, and I didn't w