Searching for the Answers...

Well it seems this week is ending the same way it began with pain. I've been in pain for at least 2 weeks straight now with no relief. I think so much pain can mentally break someone. I can't recall the last time I felt like this, but I believe it was in college. I have been crying almost all day, every day this week. I feel so hopeless and as if there is nothing left to look forward to, except for more pain. I was able to get my records from my ER visit and read through them. I don't understand half of the things noted about my blood work and urine and haven't been able to contact my doctor. I filled my prescription for antibiotics yesterday and started them last night. If I have a so called "bladder infection" as they thought, then I suppose they will help clear it up. I am pissed because now I am killing all the healthy bacteria I built up for the last 2 years. I haven't even been sick since this spring and I ALWAYS get sick after antibiotics, plus a fu...

After this last week of unbearable pain and a trip to the ER, I am seriously wondering what is there to live for anymore? Each day is such a struggle from the constant pain and knowing that I will probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. It seems the only thing I do live for is work. I've been working 12-14 hour days and G has been out of town for the last 3 weeks. I feel so alone. At the ER they ran lots of tests and could only tell me I "might" have a bladder infection and probably had ruptured ovarian cysts. They found more cysts on my ovaries. My choices are pain management or removal of the ovaries. Then I would be put into permanent menopause, which is hell, from previous experience. The pain is so debilitating I can't even move from the fetal position for hours at a time. The pain medication does nothing for the pain, plus I can't take it and drive. I've had a few bladder infections and I don't think I have one. I do everything right a...

For some reason I feel so agitated right now, maybe it's PMS? This week has been so busy with 8 appointments today (1 in 15 minutes), so I may not get to complete my rant. I don't know why, but I have been feeling agitated every time J happens to post new pictures on his FB page. I don't even want to see them, then he messages me and asks if I happened to see his new pictures? Damn it, I don't want to see your risque pictures of you and your girlfriend! It seems that he always contacts me when his life sucks, but then never cares to tell me that it doesn't suck or what happens in between. I'm sorry, but I will not be the person to talk to just when your life sucks! Either we are friends through the good and bad or not at all. So then I wonder...did he get back with his girl friend, does life not suck anymore, etc.? Yet I don't want to ask to seem like I care, because I don't want to give the wrong impression (which he so easily gets). Part of me wants t...

On Saturday, J instant messaged me stating he was so glad I am happy, but he hates his life and his job (I think he just got his Facebook (FB) account back). I asked him what prompted his message and he said his job isn't what he expected (I think it isn't dangerous enough), and he isn't sure if he is going to stay with his girlfriend, whom he was supposedly going to propose to. He said she is constantly jealous and they always fight. It is a long distance relationship. From his FB page I can guess a few things that are going on. First, he used the button that said "no longer in a relationship", yet his gf just posted 100 pictures of them together in Europe. Thus, I imagine he is stuck in this cycle of picking long distance relationships...why? Then, whenever he gets close to a commitment he breaks up with the girl...why? I deduced the following from his page, our discussion, mixed with her comments. He told her he planned to buy her a plane ticket to Italy, when ...

It seems that I've been approached with this issue quite frequently over the last few months. Statistically, it doesn't make sense, but philosophically it may? It seems that I have a lot of single guy friends, many more than single female friends. I've read statistics that indicate that there are actually more women than men, thus men are in higher demand and should consist of a smaller portion of the population. However, at least among my friends, this doesn't seem to be the case. Many of my guy friends ask if I have any "single" friends, then they proceed to list the attributes they want in a so called "mate". One even essentially described me to G, as the "idea mate". I've said this to a few friends, but it seems they have set unrealistic expectations. I think the older one gets, the more expectations they set for an "ideal mate". They take the 10 best attributes from 10 different people, then expect one person to emulate a...

Yesterday I called to talk to my brother. He and his wife just had a baby girl about a month ago, their 2nd child. During our conversation my sister came up and he told me he stopped my mom from saying some crazy things to my sister. I am still in disbelief and am realizing my mom is certainly not the person I idealized her to be. She planned to tell my 20 year old  pregnant sister that she should give her baby to G and I because we would make better, more responsible parents. I am so glad she didn't, because I could imagine how devastating this would be to my sister. She has already spent her life trying to live up to the standards she thinks I've set. She knows people are disappointed in her decisions, but I am confident she will parent to the best of her ability and it is not anyone's place to tell her otherwise. If my mom were to have said those things to her, not only would she have resented my mom, but me as well. I know my mom really wants us to have kids and has sha...

I am so excited to say that I think we finally found an adoption agency to go with. We attended the orientation for Catholic Charities last night and both felt that "this is the place". I only had a few negatives: we will have to pay $1300 more because we already have a completed home study, and the average wait for a placement is 2 years. I do not like the numbers, but I feel that this agency takes steps to ensure birth moms are taken care of regardless of whether they choose to give their child up for adoption or not. Some places pay birth moms for their babies and only give supports if they sign away their rights. I want the entire process to be positive for all involved. They also offer life long support if needed. We have to go in for one more meeting to sign a contract. I am hopeful that this is the one. It is the first agency I've found with no hidden fees and no risk to our investment. We have a price and know the fees will not exceed that amount. It is a lot, st...