Stonewalling

For the past few months G and I's primary conversations have been arguments. We can't even talk w/o arguing about anything! I just realized my semi-positive perception of our relationship relates to me stonewalling. I'm just not even the least bit upset or frazzled when we argue any more, because I've mentally checked out of our relationship. I am fed up with his rude and demeaning treatment. He called me 3 mintues before "we" were supposed to arrive at a meeting to say he couldn't attend so I had to. Given this is the first time he told me I was supposed to attend with him. Previously, he mentioned that he had a meeting- for him. So, now that he can't attend he calls and tries to manipulate me by changing his story to: "we have a meeting at 5:30 and I can't go". He didn't even bother asking if I could go (I was working) and hangs up on me when I question his attitude, after he says- "you better be there". Well b-i-a-c-h, I don't deserve to be treated like shit, thus I will not do anything just because you rudely try to manipulate me.

I know our relationship has been in serious trouble since it's inception, yet it only seems to get worse. At least my mental state of denial feels much better than my previous "fragile" states.

John Gottman's Sound Marital House Model offers informative, and predictive information regarding the the likelihood of divorce. G and I have surpassed all his divorce predictors. "The 4 Horsemen are so bad, Gottman will cut-off couples immediately when they do one of them, and confront them with how harmful this behavior is. While everyone engages in these negative communication patterns some of the time, distressed couples do them more, and couples who do them a lot are on the fast track to divorce:
Criticism - "What kind of person are you?"
Contempt - "I would never be so low as to do something like that!"
Defensiveness - "Yeah? Well what about what you did?"
Stonewalling - (shutting down, associated with high physiological arousal and efforts to self-soothe with thoughts like "I can't believe she's saying this!") "

I don't know what to do anymore? Leaving seems so much harder than staying. I don't know how I can get to the mental state of viewing divorce as a better option than staying in a horrible marriage?

Comments

Anonymous said…
I'm sorry to read that you're still in such an unhappy place. I don't know if it will help at all, but you might try listening to a sermon I heard some time back at my church.
If you go to this page:
http://www.chapelwood.org/MSSermonArchives.cfm
and find the next to last sermon, called "Women: It's time for the church to repent", maybe it will make some things easier for you.
Maybe not, but it's the best I've got.

Either way, good luck.
1/18/2007 1:49 PM
Searching for the Answers... said…
Glad to see you are still around. I will have to listen. I feel like I need all the help I can get to remove myself from my dismal life.
1/25/2007 11:39 PM
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