Regression to the Past...Hope for the Future...

I finally returned home from vacation. I am glad to be home, but sad I won't see my family for at least another 4-6 months. Having time to myself for two weeks without concerns regarding work allowed me to ponder over numerous thoughts racing through my subconscious mind. I'm still experiencing difficulties with G. We fought the first two days of our vacation and decided to just drop our issues and pretend they didn't exist. Being the perfectionist I am, I can't stand to ignore problems, especially in my relationships. Ignoring problems only allows them to continue to fester until the relationship becomes seriously infected. I would much rather deal with the issues at hand when they arise, but G on the other hand would rather pretend to ignore them for as long as possible. The scenario above explains why our relationship became so abusive initially; because we didn't ever work on problems until they exploded with full force. On our last day of vacation we began fighting yet again and have yet to deal with the issues creating problems. I feel as if our relationship is crumbling by the day.

I want to be a mother so badly, but don't know what to do? I can wait to attempt conception until I feel I am involved in a stable relationship or try now despite my issues with G. The longer I wait to conceive, the less likely I will be able to ever have a child even with fertility treatments. On the other hand I couldn't bear to put my own child through a divorce and give up watching part of my child's journey into adulthood. I am almost wondering if I could possibly be pregnant now, but more than likely it is just wishful thinking.

I've been thinking about J so much lately. After 6 years, I realized I go through cycles of longing to be with him. Certain times of the year always seems to prompt continual thoughts of J. Looking back, I think some of the times revolve around parts of the year we spent the most time together...Christmas, March-April (when I became engaged to G), and October. Before J and I stopped talking frequently, we would only contact each other during these times and I wouldn't even really think of him at other times of the year. I think sharing mutual friends on myspace.com completely complicates the situation. I can look at his pictures, which I tried so hard to erase and forget, whenever I want. I get a complete update of how he is doing and can even see when his girlfriend is pissed off at him. I shouldn't look at his pictures because they prompt me to lust after him and wish we could be together. He is so cute and completely sexy at the same time. The hardest part of being separated from his involves knowing he thinks of me as much as I think of him. My friend Mel always tells me he asks how I am doing. I wish I could find complete satisfaction with G, but I become more annoyed and frustrated with him every day. Even if I do eventually separate from G, I will at least have to "try" being with J again if he is available. I just can't seem to let him go.