That which has elusively evaded me...
Time to myself has elusively evaded me over the past 2.5 months, but now I find myself reveling in an unexpected amount, all to myself. I completed my student teaching last week and immediately felt a rush of exhaustion. It was as if I could finally let down my guard, and allow myself to feel the strain of the past 2.5 months on my body and mind. This week I am only working on 3 days, which I would consider "half" days. I slept restlessly last night pondering over all the business affairs I've neglected. My list now includes about 15 things I want to do, or need to schedule in the next month. I went to the doctor last week, who ran some tests to determine if I have a gammet of other auto-immune disorders. I should get the results this week. I almost hope they have an explanation for what ails me, but assume it will lead to another fruitless road.
G will be absent due to work related travel until Saturday. I will miss him, as he's been traveling frequently over the last month. However, I find myself eternally grateful that he still has a job. My work hours have been minuscule, and less than half of my previous salary. I almost wonder what is the point anymore? I find myself using most of my vacation, just so I can get a paycheck worth depositing. Therefore, I decided to actually utilize my vacation time for an actual vacation. I booked a flight to my home town for a 9 day break. G won't be attending, so it will be just my family and I feel excited to return home, as I haven't been back for almost one year. I already have a host of events planned.
Lately, my relationship with G seems complacent and comfortable. We both agreed that we could manage to continue our lives satisfactorily even without children. Thus, we've made no more progress towards completing our home study. We were left with a deflated feeling when we were told we needed to see a counselor to ensure our past issues have been resolved. Past issues, being his misdemeanor for domestic assault that happened 6 years ago. Fortunately, people change and we haven't had any similar occurrences since. I wish they wouldn't judge us without even knowing the least about us or what happened. I often feel like just giving up, although I feel confident we will get approval. Why does the counseling seem so intimidating? I suppose I almost fear it may bring up suppressed issues from the past and unleash havoc on our seemingly good relationship. More than anything, I hate being judged, especially by people who don't even know us. We do have a good relationship and at least deserve a chance at being parents. I still secretly revel in the off chance that I could potentially find myself with child some day...or should I say with each passing month. It would make life so much less complicated.
One promise I made to myself after completing my student teaching involved participating in leisurely activities I never have time for. Thus, I've been working on some digital scrapbooks, and am super excited to get the one from our vacation last fall. I also relegated myself to reading the "Twilight" series that all my friends gushed over. I'm not really one to read fiction, but viewed it as an opportunity to relax. I am already on the 3rd book, which crushed my hopes for reading one of the books on the plane in three weeks. Oh well, I guess I will have to find something else to read. This was a quote from the book that stood out for me,
"It was like someone had died- like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family- the whole life that I'd chosen..." (New Moon, Meyer).
I'm still trying to determine what it means to me. Initially I thought of my lost life with J. Now I wonder if I don't relate it to the loss of my dream of motherhood? The series brings back various suppressed emotions that I once experienced over J. I still think a story of my life would be deemed as fictional. I know which side I would root for as an unsuspecting reader, however, they would probably be very disappointed by the end.
J emailed me several weeks ago to say he would be stationed in Italy this year. He said he would be traveling through the area in May. I didn't mention this to G, because I think it was more of a test, to judge my reaction. I'm sure I left him disappointed. However, if he does think to notify me, I plan to let G know and follow his lead. I'm sure once J knew that I wouldn't meet him without G, unless G somehow agreed, he wouldn't even bother...but who knows? I'm not holding my breath for anything eventful.
G will be absent due to work related travel until Saturday. I will miss him, as he's been traveling frequently over the last month. However, I find myself eternally grateful that he still has a job. My work hours have been minuscule, and less than half of my previous salary. I almost wonder what is the point anymore? I find myself using most of my vacation, just so I can get a paycheck worth depositing. Therefore, I decided to actually utilize my vacation time for an actual vacation. I booked a flight to my home town for a 9 day break. G won't be attending, so it will be just my family and I feel excited to return home, as I haven't been back for almost one year. I already have a host of events planned.
Lately, my relationship with G seems complacent and comfortable. We both agreed that we could manage to continue our lives satisfactorily even without children. Thus, we've made no more progress towards completing our home study. We were left with a deflated feeling when we were told we needed to see a counselor to ensure our past issues have been resolved. Past issues, being his misdemeanor for domestic assault that happened 6 years ago. Fortunately, people change and we haven't had any similar occurrences since. I wish they wouldn't judge us without even knowing the least about us or what happened. I often feel like just giving up, although I feel confident we will get approval. Why does the counseling seem so intimidating? I suppose I almost fear it may bring up suppressed issues from the past and unleash havoc on our seemingly good relationship. More than anything, I hate being judged, especially by people who don't even know us. We do have a good relationship and at least deserve a chance at being parents. I still secretly revel in the off chance that I could potentially find myself with child some day...or should I say with each passing month. It would make life so much less complicated.
One promise I made to myself after completing my student teaching involved participating in leisurely activities I never have time for. Thus, I've been working on some digital scrapbooks, and am super excited to get the one from our vacation last fall. I also relegated myself to reading the "Twilight" series that all my friends gushed over. I'm not really one to read fiction, but viewed it as an opportunity to relax. I am already on the 3rd book, which crushed my hopes for reading one of the books on the plane in three weeks. Oh well, I guess I will have to find something else to read. This was a quote from the book that stood out for me,
"It was like someone had died- like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family- the whole life that I'd chosen..." (New Moon, Meyer).
I'm still trying to determine what it means to me. Initially I thought of my lost life with J. Now I wonder if I don't relate it to the loss of my dream of motherhood? The series brings back various suppressed emotions that I once experienced over J. I still think a story of my life would be deemed as fictional. I know which side I would root for as an unsuspecting reader, however, they would probably be very disappointed by the end.
J emailed me several weeks ago to say he would be stationed in Italy this year. He said he would be traveling through the area in May. I didn't mention this to G, because I think it was more of a test, to judge my reaction. I'm sure I left him disappointed. However, if he does think to notify me, I plan to let G know and follow his lead. I'm sure once J knew that I wouldn't meet him without G, unless G somehow agreed, he wouldn't even bother...but who knows? I'm not holding my breath for anything eventful.
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