Searching for the Answers...

A few nights ago I had a very disturbing dream which involved J and I having sex. I've never had a dream where I actually participated in sex with someone, and it felt so weird to have such an intimate dream about someone other than my spouse. In the dream my emotions weren't really involved, but subconsciously I wanted to have sex with J, although afterwards I felt disappointed and upset. Although my feelings weren't involved in my dream I did feel strange and almost guilty when I awoke. I struggled about whether or not to tell G about my dream and decided I needed to tell him. I need him to understand the struggle I face, and I think he understands. I wonder if my dream simulates what would happen in reality if something similar to my dream actually occurred? Lately I thought I was doing so well in coping with the loss of a dear friend and love of my life. I haven't dreamed of him for such a long time, then I became flooded by such an intense and intimate dream. Dream

Wow, it has been some time since my last post. I've been so busy with work this week I haven't had time to hardly check my email. I went on vacation for 9 days to my home and it was wonderful. I didn't want to leave, but brought a little bundle of joy home with me. G and I purchased a 10 week old Maltese female puppy on our last day. She went on the plane with us and didn't cry at all. She weighs only 1.8lbs at 11 weeks and has such a cute personality. She is like having a child and requires constant supervision so she doesn't have an accident. I started taking an antidepressants medication a few weeks ago. I struggled with the thought, but figured I would give it a try. My doctor convinced me my Seratonin levels are low. I have felt nauseous lately, and also noticed I feel numb and unable to access my feelings. I will try the drug for a month or two to see if I notice a significant change.

I've never understood why people have to be so judgmental and stereotypical? It is very difficult for a sweet, petite, blond haired, blue eyed, woman to be taken seriously in all venues of the business world. People look at me like I am dumb all the time and I can't stand their infantile treatment. I know I would be given significantly more respect if I just dyed my hair brown to appease the business world. I must work at least twice as hard to earn respect from those I work with or encounter during my daily endeavors. Dang you blonds who act so ditzy! I actually graduated in the top 3% of my class, probably higher if the level of recognition was documented below 3%. I wasn't the top student due to one class in which I received a measly 93%, because I was so ill the day of the final I couldn't even coherently read the test. Since I was 20, I've constructed a successful online bookstore, from which I've earned more in a month than my current post grad salary. I s

Saturday I hit an all time low. A few weeks ago my physician prescribed Zoloft to help with my stress levels, but I'm sure he had other reasons for prescribing it considering I broke down in tears in his office. I finally decided to try it on Saturday. I hoped it would make me feel better, but I only felt worse. I felt light headed, nauseous, lost my appetite, so tired, extremely depressed and suicidal, and as if I were a walking zombie. I hated the feeling and vowed I needed to find some other way to get through life. The same day we were planning to purchase a house, but the deal fell through at the last minute. It was an awesome opportunity in which we stood to make at least 60k or more in 3 months on the house. I felt so defeated and upset all our efforts to purchase the house failed over a petty scheduling issue. The second we walked out of the door though I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I didn't realize the tremendous amount of stress entering into another

Last week something I found on G's computer led me to believe he knew about my blog and didn't tell me. I had to post something here to see if he knew. After not mentioning anything or acting differently for 4 days I finally confronted G and insisted he tell me how he knew about J. He really knew nothing of my blog and said it would be dumb for him to lie about something like this and conjure up such a strange story about J. He said he would have flat out told me if he did know about J in some other way. Part of me doesn't want to believe him, but I know he is telling me the truth. I had to know the truth before I could put 100% into our relationship. I want a family, but don't want to have any regrets once I become pregnant. I don't ever want to look back or feel as if he tried to manipulated me or trap me into this relationship. I doubt he would do it, but I had to know. Last Sunday when I thought he lied to me I felt so defeated, as if I had to start all over aga

I didn't want to believe you could be so shallow and low, but now I know. You can tell me you love me and would do anything for me, but the truth is you would do anything to keep me even if it meant resorting to your old tactics of lying and cheating. If you would have been honest we may have been able to stand a chance but your desperation cost you any chance in the future with me. I feel so disappointed and disgusted because I thought our relationship was actually improving with potential for the future. I guess it does no good to pretend anymore, a relationship can't work when built on lies; we should both know from experience. I can NEVER trust you again! You were trying to save our relationship, but by lying when I was willing to come clean you destroyed any chance we may have had. There is nothing you can do that can make me happy...don't you realize that! It isn't YOU that has the control to make me happy, I have to find happiness from within and I can only do so