Searching for the Answers...

Prior to my appointment today I was a wreck. However, now I dont' know what I am feeling? The results are in: elevated ca-125 (cancer antigens). The score was over 86 with <35 being normal. My doctor told me not to be alarmed because it can be elevated with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. However, in my search to understand what that score meant, I found this notation on medline: "In the patient who is being evaluated for a pelvic mass, a CA 125 level greater than 65 is associated with malignancy in approximately 90% of cases." Does that mean that I have a 90% chance of having ovarian cancer then? There is some good out of this. She mentioned that the surgeon will have to move up my surgery with that score, so I may get in sooner. She also prescribed me muscle relaxers for the pain to see if they work, since nothing else has. I told G about the elevated score (not the possible high probability of cancer) and he took it hard. I think he was crying on the phone, but I

I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a train; every muscle aches, and each movement reminds me of how exhausted I am, I wonder how I can possibly even get out of bed and begin the day? Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wa

What happens during that period of time between uncertainty and certainty, ignorance and awareness, denial and reality? Once the knowledge is obtained it can change life forever; that point of no return. When the option to choose sides arises, where is it better to stand in the end when the outcome remains the same? I feel that I could be approaching that point where everything could change. It would almost be a relief to have a definite answer for once and definite outcome, an end. Part of me wants to fight, the other wants to give up. It has been a long and painful run. Do I tell my loved ones before the prognosis is known to spare them of any unnecessary concern? Why am I not upset? Am I in denial: "it can't happen to me", "I'm too young"; or feeling peace that it could be an end to the suffering, maybe a secret answer to prayer? As it stands I still can't get into see the doctor until Feb 5th. I doubt she can help me. I have another appointment

A single rose left to remember As a single tear falls from her eye Another cold day in December A year from the day she said goodbye Seems it's only been a moment Since the angels took him from her arms And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow But as they laid him in the ground Her heart would sing without a sound For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of your life Just open up your eyes A single lifetime lays behind her As she draws her final breath Just beyond the door he'll find her Taking her hand she softly says For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of yo