Bumps Along the Way
I just have to get this off my chest (time for blog therapy)!
I'm so frustrated with G. Within the last week I celebrated my birthday. I've been trying so hard to avoid sugar & dairy, and eat a healthy diet. I was literally so sick the last week and a half I couldn't eat much. Sugar only makes me feel worse, although I love to eat it (thus this is a daily battle for me). Well after argument (see #1) G calls on my b-day and asks if I want to go to the store with him. I said fine and we left when he arrived home from work. He asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told him I couldn't eat cake. He asked what I wanted him to make then, and I suggested apple crisp w/o sugar or cupcakes (which our friends will eat), so I wouldn't be stuck with a cake in the house for a week (tempting me to eat it).
He then went through the drive through of a restaurant and ordered my favorite milk shake and drank it in front of me! He never does this and it was completely rude and self centered because dairy and sugar make me sick, although I crave them all the time. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to do such a selfish thing. I mentioned his rudeness and asked why he couldn't have gotten one on the way home or waited until the next day? He said he wasn't being rude because he didn't offer me any to tempt me with! He then became pissed off, saying he just needed a drink (again after being married for 6 years he has never stopped at a drive through just to get a drink for himself only without asking me too). I told him it was the same thing my friend's husband did to her. She gave up chocolate for lent so he bought her chocolates for V-day (how sweet, are all guys this inconsiderate?) .
He then took me to the closet section of the home improvement store (while still slurping his milk shake) and told me he would build a closet organizer for my office in the next two weeks. It was a great idea, had I needed actual organizers in my closet. I told him weeks earlier I needed him to clean his junk out of the closet so I had room for my work stuff. He never did that and somehow thought buying me a closet system so I could organize his junk would help me out? Not to mention he started a wine cellar project for ME in August that still isn't completed! And, I don't even drink wine! I wanted a storage space, but he took the liberty of being self centered again by saying he was doing something for me, under the guise of doing something for himself! Also my family is coming to visit in a few months and we have a huge list of things to do. This would just be another thing on the list and an excuse not to do the things I really need done, like the air filters changed! So now G is all pissed off at me because I wasn't elated because of his self-centered gestures. I am in disbelief wondering how someone can be so self-centered, yet so convinced they are completely self-less? So when we arrived home he crashed on the couch and fell asleep. Happy awesome birthday from your so considerate husband! So the next morning I woke up with an asthma attack (see #2).
1. G and I experienced an argument a while back (our first in several months) because I wanted him to spend "some" quality time with me. He was gone on business and leisure trips for almost 2 weeks, while I was left to work on school. I was actually somewhat bitter that I am going to school so he can fulfill his dream and literally working myself to death; yet he doesn't seem to give a damn! I always drop everything I am doing when he comes home from work so we can spend time together. He just sits in front of the television and falls asleep. I suggest things, yet he never "feels" like it. I understand guys need time to unwind, but he sure had lots of energy to go skiing with friends for 3 days and when on his business trip he stayed up late to go dancing and out every night. We haven't been dancing in over 3 years! He then tries to turn around my argument by saying I never suggest anything and he is just too tired.
2. While in acupuncture last week I was told I have a lot of issues in my lungs, stemming from feelings of not being good enough. I brushed it off, yet kept the thought in the back of my mind. Well, when I woke up with an asthma attack after my b-day, when I haven't had one for over a month, I began to analyze why this happened. I realized G's constant belittling gestures constantly make me feel like crap. Every time he pulls one of his inconsiderate and selfish stunts it makes me feel worthless. I am also astonished I allowed myself to marry and stay married to someone with no regard for me or my feelings. On the outside I've built a strong shell to protect myself from the world, but things like G's constant belittlement still get to me. The hard part is allowing myself to feel versus keeping my feelings locked inside. Somehow I need to find a way to be ok with G's belittling behaviors and not let them impact my self worth. I realize I can't change him, so I can change my perception of his rudeness or change my living situation.
3. After being so stressed with work, school, and managing the household I finally made a big decision this week. I decided to slow down on school. I'm partially through the semester, so am thinking of asking for an extension so I don't have to spend 30+ hours a week on school. I also realized I am going to school for two reasons: 1. So G can have his dream of moving back home and/or to provide income while he starts a business, 2. So I have security in knowing I could easily support myself without G. None of the options include trusting in God, myself, G, friends, or family to help me out. I also believe I need to let G have the burden of supporting his family, if I am expected to maintain the household. I also can't allow myself to become a doormat for G. I gave up everything for him, yet he continually takes everything from me without flinching. I think after this semester I may stop taking classes until I can come up with real justification for going to school (even though I am so close). I need to find inner peace and feel good about continuing my education, versus dreading every second. It will take everything in me to stop and not finish what I've started. I need to accept I may need to just stop for my well being.
I'm so frustrated with G. Within the last week I celebrated my birthday. I've been trying so hard to avoid sugar & dairy, and eat a healthy diet. I was literally so sick the last week and a half I couldn't eat much. Sugar only makes me feel worse, although I love to eat it (thus this is a daily battle for me). Well after argument (see #1) G calls on my b-day and asks if I want to go to the store with him. I said fine and we left when he arrived home from work. He asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told him I couldn't eat cake. He asked what I wanted him to make then, and I suggested apple crisp w/o sugar or cupcakes (which our friends will eat), so I wouldn't be stuck with a cake in the house for a week (tempting me to eat it).
He then went through the drive through of a restaurant and ordered my favorite milk shake and drank it in front of me! He never does this and it was completely rude and self centered because dairy and sugar make me sick, although I crave them all the time. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to do such a selfish thing. I mentioned his rudeness and asked why he couldn't have gotten one on the way home or waited until the next day? He said he wasn't being rude because he didn't offer me any to tempt me with! He then became pissed off, saying he just needed a drink (again after being married for 6 years he has never stopped at a drive through just to get a drink for himself only without asking me too). I told him it was the same thing my friend's husband did to her. She gave up chocolate for lent so he bought her chocolates for V-day (how sweet, are all guys this inconsiderate?) .
He then took me to the closet section of the home improvement store (while still slurping his milk shake) and told me he would build a closet organizer for my office in the next two weeks. It was a great idea, had I needed actual organizers in my closet. I told him weeks earlier I needed him to clean his junk out of the closet so I had room for my work stuff. He never did that and somehow thought buying me a closet system so I could organize his junk would help me out? Not to mention he started a wine cellar project for ME in August that still isn't completed! And, I don't even drink wine! I wanted a storage space, but he took the liberty of being self centered again by saying he was doing something for me, under the guise of doing something for himself! Also my family is coming to visit in a few months and we have a huge list of things to do. This would just be another thing on the list and an excuse not to do the things I really need done, like the air filters changed! So now G is all pissed off at me because I wasn't elated because of his self-centered gestures. I am in disbelief wondering how someone can be so self-centered, yet so convinced they are completely self-less? So when we arrived home he crashed on the couch and fell asleep. Happy awesome birthday from your so considerate husband! So the next morning I woke up with an asthma attack (see #2).
1. G and I experienced an argument a while back (our first in several months) because I wanted him to spend "some" quality time with me. He was gone on business and leisure trips for almost 2 weeks, while I was left to work on school. I was actually somewhat bitter that I am going to school so he can fulfill his dream and literally working myself to death; yet he doesn't seem to give a damn! I always drop everything I am doing when he comes home from work so we can spend time together. He just sits in front of the television and falls asleep. I suggest things, yet he never "feels" like it. I understand guys need time to unwind, but he sure had lots of energy to go skiing with friends for 3 days and when on his business trip he stayed up late to go dancing and out every night. We haven't been dancing in over 3 years! He then tries to turn around my argument by saying I never suggest anything and he is just too tired.
2. While in acupuncture last week I was told I have a lot of issues in my lungs, stemming from feelings of not being good enough. I brushed it off, yet kept the thought in the back of my mind. Well, when I woke up with an asthma attack after my b-day, when I haven't had one for over a month, I began to analyze why this happened. I realized G's constant belittling gestures constantly make me feel like crap. Every time he pulls one of his inconsiderate and selfish stunts it makes me feel worthless. I am also astonished I allowed myself to marry and stay married to someone with no regard for me or my feelings. On the outside I've built a strong shell to protect myself from the world, but things like G's constant belittlement still get to me. The hard part is allowing myself to feel versus keeping my feelings locked inside. Somehow I need to find a way to be ok with G's belittling behaviors and not let them impact my self worth. I realize I can't change him, so I can change my perception of his rudeness or change my living situation.
3. After being so stressed with work, school, and managing the household I finally made a big decision this week. I decided to slow down on school. I'm partially through the semester, so am thinking of asking for an extension so I don't have to spend 30+ hours a week on school. I also realized I am going to school for two reasons: 1. So G can have his dream of moving back home and/or to provide income while he starts a business, 2. So I have security in knowing I could easily support myself without G. None of the options include trusting in God, myself, G, friends, or family to help me out. I also believe I need to let G have the burden of supporting his family, if I am expected to maintain the household. I also can't allow myself to become a doormat for G. I gave up everything for him, yet he continually takes everything from me without flinching. I think after this semester I may stop taking classes until I can come up with real justification for going to school (even though I am so close). I need to find inner peace and feel good about continuing my education, versus dreading every second. It will take everything in me to stop and not finish what I've started. I need to accept I may need to just stop for my well being.
Comments
Ever heard that before? I think it's something to keep in mind as you work out ways to take care of yourself, should the need arise. Trusting in God is all well and good, but if I don't take care of my end, is it fair to put it all on God? I don't think it is.
So, you're making plans, just in case. Good for you. It just shows how smart you are.
As for the rest, well, when was the last time you set and kept boundaries with G.? It's not easy and it may result in even more conflict, but maybe it's time. I know in my case, it meant the end of my marriage, but, it turns out, that was okay. In fact, I think it was the best thing. Do the next right thing and, in the end, things will work out the way they're supposed to work out.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're in a tough position and handling things as well as anyone could expect. Easy does it.