Go Away!
G and I returned from an almost 2 week vacation to the Caribbean, which was amazing. We spent some much needed time together without any distractions. I went snorkeling on the reef every day. The white sand and picturesque turquoise waters made all my cares just melt away. I also got a tan. My neighbor was so impressed he told me about 5 x's last night that he couldn't believe I got a tan and I'm not pasty white anymore. Did I mention he was enjoying his Cuban cigar we brought him. It was too funny.
I can't wait to be finished with school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have two weeks left, then will start my student teaching hell in January for 5 months. I hope I don't have a coronary from the stress of working full time and teaching part time (two things that should not be combined). I'm afraid to take any time off work in the case G looses his job. He is hanging Christmas lights today, for the first time ever! I'm so amazed as usually he hates Christmas.
Two night ago I had a dream about J. I HATE having dreams about him because it brings up all the emotions I've spent the last 10 years trying to suppress. It makes living another day without him seem impossible. I wish I could just forget him. Thoughts of him make my life so miserable, because I can't shake the thoughts of "what could have been". A few days ago I talked to my sister and she reminded me of the stupid mistakes we make because we are in love. We know it is wrong, but do it anyway because we are in love. I realized that towards the end of my relationship with J, I completely blocked him out and suppressed my emotions, falsely convincing myself I didn't' have feelings for him anymore because I didn't want to get hurt. In reality I was already hurting and acting on my thoughts of the worst possible outcome, which made that outcome a reality. I was so sure I didn't love him anymore after we broke up and even spent some time with him several months later to determine if we still had chemistry. We were standing outside at my parent's house under the stars. We hugged and I saw 10 shooting stars (I hadn't even seen one for months)...our sign that we were thinking of each other. I recall thinking...I am making such a mistake, we belong together. I wanted to kiss him and forget about everything else in the world, but I had to ask if he was seeing anyone and of course he said yes. I then shut down my emotions again and blocked him out. I was dating someone too, so why did it matter? If I only would have know that guys need space sometimes before they can get closer in a relationship. Instead I freaked out and assumed we were over.
I know I can't change the past, but WHY won't it leave my head! I've felt depressed since I had the dream. All of this is so stupid. I haven't even talked to him for what could be a few years. I don't even know anything that he is doing or where he is. He could be dead for all I know. I have too many other things to worry about right now.
I can't wait to be finished with school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have two weeks left, then will start my student teaching hell in January for 5 months. I hope I don't have a coronary from the stress of working full time and teaching part time (two things that should not be combined). I'm afraid to take any time off work in the case G looses his job. He is hanging Christmas lights today, for the first time ever! I'm so amazed as usually he hates Christmas.
Two night ago I had a dream about J. I HATE having dreams about him because it brings up all the emotions I've spent the last 10 years trying to suppress. It makes living another day without him seem impossible. I wish I could just forget him. Thoughts of him make my life so miserable, because I can't shake the thoughts of "what could have been". A few days ago I talked to my sister and she reminded me of the stupid mistakes we make because we are in love. We know it is wrong, but do it anyway because we are in love. I realized that towards the end of my relationship with J, I completely blocked him out and suppressed my emotions, falsely convincing myself I didn't' have feelings for him anymore because I didn't want to get hurt. In reality I was already hurting and acting on my thoughts of the worst possible outcome, which made that outcome a reality. I was so sure I didn't love him anymore after we broke up and even spent some time with him several months later to determine if we still had chemistry. We were standing outside at my parent's house under the stars. We hugged and I saw 10 shooting stars (I hadn't even seen one for months)...our sign that we were thinking of each other. I recall thinking...I am making such a mistake, we belong together. I wanted to kiss him and forget about everything else in the world, but I had to ask if he was seeing anyone and of course he said yes. I then shut down my emotions again and blocked him out. I was dating someone too, so why did it matter? If I only would have know that guys need space sometimes before they can get closer in a relationship. Instead I freaked out and assumed we were over.
I know I can't change the past, but WHY won't it leave my head! I've felt depressed since I had the dream. All of this is so stupid. I haven't even talked to him for what could be a few years. I don't even know anything that he is doing or where he is. He could be dead for all I know. I have too many other things to worry about right now.
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