Regrets...?

Gosh, I have been going crazy since I've been unable to use my computer for almost a week now! Something so huge happened and I've been needing to write about it to get it off my chest. In the midst of my desperation and drunkenness I instant messenged J! Yeah! I said very mean and terrible things which I don't care to repeat. He didn't respond back of course until the next day. The first thing he said was..."what was that all about?". I told him I didn't remember, but I was sorry for contacting him. He then pasted my nasty comments so I could see what I wrote. I apologized but told him it was probably what I really felt and he agreed. I told him I probably could never have children. He said he still loves me and wouldn't care if I could have children or not, even though he really wants kids some day. He said he has still been struggling to move on and doesn't want to end up in a situation like me, where he is married but still in love with me. I told him I still loved him too, but he was no longer the person I needed him to be. I said that G now fills J's place in my life, even though he never can. I also told J he now embodies all the qualities I once despised about G. I of course feeling so very guilty had to talk to him since I was so mean, but I really wanted to anyways. In a way it was an excuse because it has been driving me insane not knowing how he is doing.

I saved our entire conversation and let G read it when he arrived home. I apologized to G too for screwing up again. We then had a long discussion about our relationship and marriage. The conversation was very honest and candid, I admitted I still love J and feel like I made a mistake in marrying G. G told me he had just as many doubts when we were first married, but they eventually subsided. He pushed to marry me so soon so he could have sex with me, since I refused under any other circumstances given his history. Our feelings weren't hurt by the conversation. We decided it would have benefited us tremendously if we were honest from the beginning of our relationship. How sad that it took us 4 years to be truly honest with one another.

I feel terrible for hurting both men in my life. I know it hurts G that I still wish I could be with J. It hurts J that I am with G and won't be honest with myself or him. Talking to J again brought up various old feelings I haven't felt for a long time. I set myself back tremendously in my struggle to let J go. It really was a mistake contacting him if my long term goal is to be with G. I also set J back. I just joined myspace.com and of course J is one of my friend's "friends", so I can view his profile any time I want and all his pictures (bad, I know!). Anyways, his girlfriend is on his contact list. I guess they were fighting today or since I talked to J. She has always been very jealous of me since J's heart remains with me. She freaked out for the same reason I probably did and posted comments on his site. He kept deleting them. I guess they don't have very good communication if she has to write jealous comments on his web page. He has contacts with a huge slew of slutty females, who are absolutely appalling in my opinion. Anyways, it is his life and I am not in it. I told J I would divorce G if he had a page and contacts similar to J's. J just said they were his friends, but whatever. I don't' know why it bothers me so much. I am obsessed right now. What did I do to myself? I intentionally deleted all J's information and PICTURES, and now I have all the information again because my friend unintentionally sent me his email address and has him as her friend so I can view his profile. I can't resist the temptation when it is so easy to look. UGHHGGGHHHHHHH!