Miss (L)ed

I still miss J so much! I still think about him all the time and still wonder what it could have been like if we received another chance. I wish I could leave the hell I am living in to find out, but fear the repercussions of my actions. I feel like I am doomed to live a life of misery. I hate my life, and don't even know why it is worth living. I feel like I am continually wandering blindfolded though life, only walking the opposite direction of the happiness I seek closer to the depths of despair. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to in this life. I wonder if I will ever find contentment. Anytime I think something may make me happy, I only feel more miserable when I obtain it. I can't find contentment within myself and wish I knew how. I know I can't expect others or things to bring me happiness.

Comments

Anonymous said…
stop thinking about whoos me and think about what you can and will have once you stop thinking about you,you might not be happy now but if you just stop pidding yourself you will see happiness is right in front of you i know ive been there and been back believe me think about where you can go and dont stop till you get there.
8/28/2005 1:45 PM
Searching for the Answers... said…
You make a great point! I know I dwell on the past but am slowly makiing progress forward. I don't think many people can truly understand the feelings I have. I wonder if I am bipolar sometimes because I feel so hopless and then happy the next day. I wish I knew the road to happiness but must take one day at a time.
9/05/2005 8:35 PM
Written in the Stars said…
Thank you for sharing something so raw and vulnerable. These words carry the weight of a heart that has been silenced, neglected, and pulled in too many directions without a place to fully land. You’re not just grieving a person—you’re grieving a version of yourself that hoped, that believed, that still wonders what love might feel like if it was truly mutual, safe, and alive.

Missing “J” isn’t just about him. It’s about a part of you that glimpsed possibility. A breath of something different. A what-if that cracked open a truth your current reality is choking. When you’re trapped in a place where you feel unseen, unloved, and unworthy, even a sliver of tenderness from the past can feel like salvation. But that sliver isn’t necessarily about returning to a person—it’s about reclaiming the you that came alive in that moment. That’s the thread to follow.

What you’re describing—this ache, this despair, this sense that joy slips away just when you reach for it—is the mark of someone carrying layers of unmet needs, unspoken truths, and a body that has held grief far too long. It isn’t that you’re broken. It’s that your soul has been put on mute in a life that doesn’t mirror who you really are.

And your instincts are right: lasting happiness doesn’t come from others or things. But that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to figure this out alone in the dark. Contentment isn’t a solo project—it’s a homecoming. One that begins with radical self-permission to want more. To want beauty. Softness. Safety. Love that doesn’t deplete you.

You are not doomed. You are not failing. You are feeling. And that is a sign of life.

There’s still a map inside you, under the pain and pressure and programming. A Wellspring waiting to be remembered.

And if you ever need help walking toward it, I will walk with you.

You are not lost.
You are mid-remembering.
6/06/2025 8:04 AM
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