Breaking the Bond...


Last night I experienced difficulty falling asleep and sleeping. I really miss G and love to cuddle with him at night. Since G is on vacation I let my little puppy, sleep with me even though I am allergic to pets. My allergies really act up when I sleep with her, but I didn't care. It helps to sleep with another living being. For the life of me I couldn't stay asleep... I didn't fall asleep until 12:30 am, I awoke at 3:30 am and 5:00 am, then laid in bed until 8:00 am trying to rest when I finally gave up.

In between brief periods of sleep I dreamed of J. I remember the dream very vividly because I didn't go back to sleep afterwards. We met in a parking lot and went to a store. I gathered some items and planned to purchase them, but he wouldn't let me pay. I felt guilty for meeting him and especially since he purchased something for me, even thought the entire transaction was only $40. I could sense he was expecting something to happen between us, and I didn't want to feel obligated in any way. I didn't want to do anything with him and couldn't understand why we even met. I did not feel any degree of passion or love for him. Before I knew what even happend we were upstairs in a high rise building; he was holding me and we were naked. He said nothing would happen, but couldn't stop himself. Again, I felt no passion what so ever. I dare not post any more detail, but I will say...what a dismal disappointment! We did not "make love", but rather had SEX, no passion, no feelings, nothing on my part. After the encounter I realized what an incredibly awesome lover G is. I honestly didn't think anyone could compare. Then I awoke from my somewhat disturbing, yet enlightening dream. I am glad I experienced this dream with J, because I really think I am making progress in emotionally distancing myself from him. Today I don't feel any desire to be with him...ever. In the past several months I can't even recall a passionate encounter with him in my dreams, yet I longed for passion with him for so long. I am moving forward, one small step at a time.

G called me last night at about 7:oo. After dinner he returned to his hotel room to rest and call me before going out. He called me just as I was seriously contemplating an attempt to contact J. Thank God he did! I don't want to get caught up in the disappointment and turmoil enthralled in emotion ridden conversations with J again.

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