Searching for the Answers...

Maybe someone could tell me why my blog keeps changing my text to Hindi? I have to type in the "edit HTML" window or the text turns to Hindi. English isn't an option on the pull down bar, only other aramaic languages. A few months ago I linked a previous blog to my current blog। When I first started the other blog I sent links to some people I knew। Thus, if they remember the link 2 years later they can also see my "anonymous" blog. I felt vulnerable at first, but now I don't care. If someone I know reads my blog and thinks differently of me or judges me, then let the one who has lived a perfect life be the one to throw a stone. I'm human, but the best thing is that I try to learn from my mistakes and I've come so far. I'm not afraid of the past, nor am I afraid to look back and see the imense journey I've traveled to get where I am today. This week I made a few resolutions for myself. One of my largest struggles in life revolves around my di...

I almost forgot how good it felt to vent via my blog. Life has been so crazy and busy I just can't find the time. I feel like I've made some progress towards my goals. However, I still have constant battles from within. My health has been the number one factor and battle. I continue to go to acupuncture on a bi-weekly basis and drink 2 cups of awful herbal concoctions per day. Why???????????????????????? Well, somewhere inside I still have a ray of hope that I may be able to conceive children some day. I actually drink squirrel dung!!! Am I crazy or desperate? On the other hand, part of me wants to let go. I think I have for the last three months. I blocked out the emotions that make me feel sad in exchange for complacency and lack of apathy. For the last few weeks I've felt like I have a ton of bricks on my chest. It hurts to breathe and I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. It feels like I can't get enough air. I'm supposed to be working on deep breathin...

I just realized my last post was #200! I've written quite a bit in a little over two years and have grown so much. I can't believe how much I've moved forward to a happier place. Blogging has definitely played a huge role in my development. I have a lot of news since my last post. We returned from our mini vacation on Saturday. We had so much fun! Sadly, my sister left this morning, but I will be home in about 5 weeks. I thought being so close to J would be difficult, but didn't think about him very much. I occasionally looked for him at the different beaches and thought about what he might be doing, but it wasn't an overwhelming feeling. I did envy his job to no end. As I love sea animals and couldn't imagine being a dolphin trainer. Someday I would love to just touch one. I feel confident in my decision to stay with G. J assumes a life different than I ever imagined for myself. Although, I assume it would be much different if we ended up together. The above p...

The last week has been terrible! I felt so overwhelmed and came to the point of saying " somethings gotta give". Thus, I am temporarily discontinuing youth group on Tuesday evenings. After driving to the testing facility 4 times I was finally able to take one of my midterm exams! The exam consisted of 10 multiple choice and 6 essays. When I pressed "enter" for my multiple choice section I couldn't even breathe when I saw that I got a 60%!!!! I almost walked out and withdrew from all of my classes. I was so angry, because I studied like hell for the test and my professor did not include any of the key points or information from the study guide on the exam. Instead, she used the most random facts from the book, none of which were included or ever mentioned in her lessons or study guide. Thus, I emailed her and told her exactly what I thought. I still haven't heard back, but was so relieved when she gave me a 100% on my essays meaning I obtained a measly 84%...

A few days ago my old modeling agency called me out of the blue. Since we moved and I started working full time, I stopped caring about doing any type of acting/modeling. They asked me to do a catalog shoot next week and asked if I looked the same as my 2 year old pictures from my portfolio? I of course said YES! I'm not sure if they will call me back because I can only work 2 of the 3 days. I didn't even think to ask what kind of catalog, but have been thinking about how I used to look 2 years ago. I guess I don't look the same, as I've gained 10 lbs! I weigh as much as I did in high school and averaged 10-20 lbs less than I am now in college. Thus, I feel like a cow now and don't even want to do the shoot because I have to face my weight gain. I didn't sleep well last night and woke up at 3:30 am because I can't stop thinking about my weight and classes. I think the phone call made me realize I need to seriously consider my diet and start exercising again....

After a 2.5 week vacation to visit my family I am happy to be home. At first I felt sad, but when I woke up alone to blue skies and sunshine my contentment returned. Instead of making the traditional "I resolve, yet will unlikely achieve", I decided to come up with a more realistic resolution. I am only one person, thus I can only accomplish so much. I will not be so hard on myself and not waste time stressing over the small or unimportant tasks. I will do the best I can with the resources at hand and accept it is the best I can do. I would also like to become more in touch with my emotions (yeah, I know it sounds mushy ). I want to know why I feel the way I do about certain aspects of my life. I want to know why: I feel happier, more determined, and more relaxed when away from G. I want to, but then don't want to move home to my family. I dream, but don't attempt to achieve my dreams. I can't stop thinking about J. I care about what other's think. I am ungrat...

Previously from January 2006 post. In no specific order; my resolutions (written 1-06) for now... Learn HTML by DECEMBER - I lost my motivation on this one and could care less whether I learn it or not. Keep in FREQUENT contact with family and friends ie: a minimum of weekly w/ mom & sister and monthly or bi monthly with grandparents, dad, friends, & brother.- I've been doing well calling my mom, but haven't really called anyone else. I can't seem to find the time. Read the bible DAILY - OOPS! Was this really on my list? I guess I may have read it maybe 7 days so far. I just can't get into it for some reason. Improve my diet DAILY by: taking daily multi-vitamin, eating at least 2 meals per day, and one serving of fruit and vegetables. - Uhh, I take a vitamin about 3 x/week, eat 2 meals a day, plus many junk food sancks, and am lucky if I ever eat a fruit or vegetable, which I still need to work on. Although, I have been eating some vegies and fruits in the las...

I feel like I've reached the breaking point. I don't even want to take another breath. I feel like everything in my life is bad news. I try my best to see the light and turn the bad into positive, but I can only take so much. Last week I had an ultrasound and I felt positive about what the results would entail, but to my dismay I called the doctor's office today and was told my results couldn't be released over the phone. I asked why, because I was originally told by the doctor she would call with the results. The case aide told me my results were abnormal and the doctor needs to see me to discuss my options. The catch is they can't get me in until next week! I have to wait an entire week wondering what in the hell is wrong with me now. I told her the doctor needs to call me because I can't wait and wonder for an entire week for the results. In some way I hope the doctor found an answer to my constant pain. The intensity and longevity has been increasing substa...

For almost 8 months now I have been searching for a sweet little companion to keep me company during my long days at home. If anyone knows a great breeder of Yorkshire Terriers or Maltese in the SW US, with reasonable prices, please let me know. I am also open to adopting a pet from a shelter, but want a younger dog without major health problems. I certainly haven't experienced any luck in my search. Thanks in advance! So why a Yorkie or Maltese you may ask? Well, I really want a cat, I love cats, especially fluffy orange or white with blue eyes. The problem arises because my husband despises cats and won't allow one in our new house. He cringes at the thought of an animal on a counter, table, or our furniture; he thinks a cat will wreck havoc on our home. He wants a big, obnoxious Doberman, and I told him hell no. So, for 3 years we were at a standstill regarding the pet situation, when I though of a great idea... I would agree to a dog only if it was small, fluffy, cuddly, an...