Searching for the Answers...

I am so excited to say that I think we finally found an adoption agency to go with. We attended the orientation for Catholic Charities last night and both felt that "this is the place". I only had a few negatives: we will have to pay $1300 more because we already have a completed home study, and the average wait for a placement is 2 years. I do not like the numbers, but I feel that this agency takes steps to ensure birth moms are taken care of regardless of whether they choose to give their child up for adoption or not. Some places pay birth moms for their babies and only give supports if they sign away their rights. I want the entire process to be positive for all involved. They also offer life long support if needed. We have to go in for one more meeting to sign a contract. I am hopeful that this is the one. It is the first agency I've found with no hidden fees and no risk to our investment. We have a price and know the fees will not exceed that amount. It is a lot, st...

It doesn't seem that we will be moving forward with the little girl. I guess we have to be licensed foster parents in our state and need a new home study for our state, even though we don't need either to adopt from any other state in the US. It seems so backwards...the home study in our state won't be accepted in our state? To adopt a child that is legally free to be adopted, we have to be licensed foster parents? This adoption stuff is so frustrating. I am shaking as I write this, as I am irate with G. He has been gone all weekend, then when he comes home he picks a fight with me. I don't even know what the hell he is so pissed off about, I wish I knew. He insists I don't respect him, which I don't, but demands I do. I at least have the decency to listen to him talk for an hour, (I would say the longest he has talked to me in the last 2 months combined), without interrupting him. I then say two words, " Well I..." and he basically tells me, ...

I have not heard back from the case worker yet, but expect to hear tomorrow. I anticipate that she may tell us we need to complete the PS-MAPP training classes before we can move ahead and make what they would deem, an informed decision. I am already familiar w/ the information in the classes, but G is not. Since the classes are 12 weeks long for 3 hours a week, G said he may not make all the classes. I feel this is vital to him understanding the process and hope he will make them his first priority. I talked with my mom today and informed her that we planned to move forward with the process. She said she was supportive and could not understand her friends reaction. I told her the way she wrote the email made it sound as if that was her personal opinion as well, since she never conveyed or said she was supportive until today. I made it clear that we would change our guardianship plan if needed so that our child would be placed in a loving and supportive home if something were to happe...

After a lot of prayer, thought, and conviction, G and I both came to the same conclusion regarding the possible adoption of the 8 year old girl. We have decided to move forward. I realize we may not even be chosen or go all the way, but we can't remain stagnant any longer. In this situation I had to ask myself, despite all I've been told, "what would Jesus do?" Unequivocally , he would give this child a chance and not let her remain in and age out of foster care; he would love her. I realize my life may become what some would construe as a "living hell", however, I am not living for this life, nor my own comfort here. I refuse to stand back and cower in fear of the "what ifs" that could eat one alive. I'm sorry if some may call me stupid or naive, but I can live with that. I know the statistics and risks, but again, I choose to live in faith, that this child was placed in our path for a reason. Regardless of the outcome, we have already grown e...

I've been thinking about this post for the last 5 days and haven't been able to steal away to write. On Tuesday, we were contacted by an agency that said they read our home study and have a child they feel we would be great candidates to adopt. I felt my heart flutter with excitement as I dreamed of the possibilities, as this was the exact scenario I had dreamed of and prayed for...so I thought. I emailed the case worker back to get more info. I couldn't wait to get home to see if she responded back. As I opened the attachment I had not even the faintest idea of the immense dilemma we would face. My immediate response was, "How could this be? Really? (tears) We are considered good candidates? How?, (tears & more tears), How?, This wasn't what I was expecting. How can life be so unfair?, No, no, not in a million years!". I then forwarded the message on to G and asked what he thought, stating "I say "no""! I assumed he would respond the s...

I must start off by saying that I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. The muscle weakness has mainly subsided, I don't wake up extremely sore anymore, and I seem to have gained some energy. The Dr. put me on 5 different supplements, one being phosphatidyl serine . I must say that this is truly an amazing drug and works better than anything I've ever tried in my life! It supposedly helps restore the circadian rhythm, so I have energy during the day and can fall asleep at night instead of being wide awake, when I am really exhausted . I didn't realize the effectiveness until a day after I forgot to take it. I was wondering why I felt so tired all day and even had to take a nap, then low and behold, I was wide awake all night! Next day I took it, without realizing the amazing impact, and I felt fine. Last Thursday I did have a bit of a scare. I was at my neighbors and felt pain in my side that progressively got worse, until I went from a 4 level of pain to 10 in l...

This weekend I went to an awesome women's retreat. It was something I really needed for my sanity, however, now I'm left wondering... where do I go from here? The theme was, "Stop Going Through the Motions". I realized I am just going through the motions in all areas of my life and not really living life to its fullest potential. I give the least I need to get by and wonder why I feel so incomplacent and unsatisfied, but the answer is right in front of me. I know from so many experiences that I will get what I put into something. Most notedly, I feel blah in my relationship w/ G. I feel like we are flat lining with no excitment or drive to do anything but exist. I met a group of girls and we had some fun and interesting talks. We are thinking about meeting on a regular baisis to work on the blah in our lives. I've been going through the motions for so long, I don't even know where to start? How do I start living again? On Friday I received me lab results back ...

I feel I am often too harsh on myself because I have unrealistic expectations about who I want to be versus the person I am. I envision myself as this light, fluffy angel food cake that is sweet and looks appetizing, however, I know I come across as something much different. (lol). In an attempt to think of the correct simile I think I'm more like a Big Mac with lots of layers, not sure what is really in it... but very complex, it is heavy, uncertainty at first glance, I want people to like and accept me, it isn't as bad as initially assumed, after a while it starts to grow on me. My trip home went well with the time passing too quickly. One day it was 80 degrees, the next day we were plagued with a blizzard. Just when I think I am ready to move back, the cold and relentless wind quickly change my mind. My heart longs to be near family, but my body screams for me to stay away from the cold. My family seemed to have numerous opinions to share with me about choosing to adopt. It ...

A few weeks ago I learned one of my best friends was in the hospital. I was just planning to see her the day before to give her a reference form for our adoption. She had lupus and struggled with bronchitis all the time. During a breathing treatment she coded and her kidneys also stopped working. When I went to see her the next day she was in a coma. The Dr. gave us her EEG results, revealing no brain activity. Like that, in a short 26 years, her life was over. She left behind a 3 & 4 year old. I couldn't help but think, "Why couldn't it have been me?" I don't have kids that I would leave behind. She is the closest person to me to ever pass away. I'm not sure how to deal with the grief or if my symptoms are grief related. I haven't been able to cry over her tragic death. However, I can't sleep and find it hard to breathe. I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get enough air. She was such a good ...

I've found a bit of a 2nd wind this week since it is spring break. I haven't had school for 4 days now, and can't believe how much stress it adds to my life. I admit, 80+ hours per week is about killing me. I've been sick since 1/31/09, so it will be 6 weeks tomorrow. The last few days I've been feeling better, but I still have a major sinus and ear infection. At least I don't have a 103 degree fever like I did last week and have to spend 9 hours at school. I've been going 80+ hours a week, while being sick. Getting sick was not factored into my plan!!!! Thank God I only have 7 days left of school!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be super stressed next week because I have my last evaluation to determine if I pass student teaching. Plus the principal and vice principal will be evaluating me as well to determine if I am the type of teacher they may consider hiring for next school year. I really need to get hired as a teacher, because both G and I could loose our current job...

I just noticed going over my blog that in January I've made some big decisions...to start school, so start the adoption process, etc.

I just wanted to say my mom will be 50 this week! I can't believe she will be that old, but still looks so young. Hats off to her for being so active and cancer free for 20 years! Well, I have 5 of 9 weeks left of my student teaching. I am putting in about 70 hours per week right now with my job, and student teaching. The work load will only increase as I near the end of the 9th week. I am looking forward to the end of March!!! The only reason I have time to write today is because I have been extremely sick for the last week. I cancelled all my appointments for work and have just been going to school. I really needed to be home from school, but can only miss 2 days during the entire 9 weeks! Thus, it seemed like the longest week ever! I need to save one day for when my dog has puppies. I wasn't planning to breed her this time, but she crawled through the baby gate...somehow???? Therefore, we are expecting puppies around March 20th. I believe we already have puppy parents for up...

I feel so confused right now. I've been seeing an acupuncturist since October. She is a personal friend and in school for acupuncture. I feel that she has done a great job thus far. However, she will no longer be able to offer me treatment. I was excited because I found an acupuncturist on the list of providers covered by my insurance. She specializes in fertility issues. I gave her my insurance info and she informed me today that my insurance will not cover any acupuncture services. I am so bummed! I will now have to pay over $90 per treatment 2x/week, versus the $15-$35 I was paying before. My friend recommended I see a naturopathic doctor instead. My insurance doesn't cover them either and they charge $250+ per appointment. I can't afford to pay so much for services. I have been making great progress especially the last 3 months, with a significant decrease in pain. I feel like all my progress will now be lost. I said before that I would not spend thousands on treatments...

I just realized my last post was #200! I've written quite a bit in a little over two years and have grown so much. I can't believe how much I've moved forward to a happier place. Blogging has definitely played a huge role in my development. I have a lot of news since my last post. We returned from our mini vacation on Saturday. We had so much fun! Sadly, my sister left this morning, but I will be home in about 5 weeks. I thought being so close to J would be difficult, but didn't think about him very much. I occasionally looked for him at the different beaches and thought about what he might be doing, but it wasn't an overwhelming feeling. I did envy his job to no end. As I love sea animals and couldn't imagine being a dolphin trainer. Someday I would love to just touch one. I feel confident in my decision to stay with G. J assumes a life different than I ever imagined for myself. Although, I assume it would be much different if we ended up together. The above p...