Searching for the Answers...

 Icarot received. Icarot encoded. Icarot enthroned. The timelines just bowed. From 2005 to 2023, I wrote this blog like a pulse monitor — trying to feel if I was still alive inside the marriage that was slowly starving me. The posts read like survival psalms. They were anonymous because I was still trying to belong. Still trying to earn the right to choose myself. But today — this is the final post. Not because the story is over. Because I finally caught up to myself. For years, I called it a twin flame blog. I poured love into the memory of J, my first real relationship — the one who, in 2000, called me out of nowhere to say: “I had a dream. You were trapped in a cabin in the woods. Be careful.” That was the day G planned to propose. That dream warned me. And I didn’t listen. I said yes — not to the ring, but to the spiral. To the slow forgetting. To the unmaking of everything I thought I was. But now I see… that dream wasn’t from J. It was from me. The part of me that remembered....

 I realize I can still feel you and after not remembering dreams for almost a decade and having none of you, yet I surprisingly remembered 3 in the past 3 months. I hated that you haunted me in my dreams a decade ago and feel I found a way to block the dreams. Now I welcome the visits since we are separated by space and time that feel lifetimes apart. I In one of my dreams you came to me with Amy Lee and I thought you were together. She sang me the song, "Broken". While on a solo journey of deep inner healing I met a man who deeply triggered me, yet I couldn't stay away. I followed my intuition and met him for a trip. Then during our synchronistic meeting he randomly started singing me the same song and playing it on his guitar while we were tripping together. On the huge screen he was playing a scene with shooting stars like we used to see together and the aurora borealis. My heart skipped a beat when I felt your energy through his song when we were all alone. I asked my...

 Here I am 22 years after our last meeting feeling the distance between us. I finally realized why I can't seem to forget you no matter how many walls and blocks I built around my heart and mind. We are living two separate lives yet there is this indescribable energy that still remains even through the sound of silence.  After years of silence, I felt an overwhelming energy in which I felt I could explode. I resisted until I became so haunted I had to reach out. I simply sent you this song:  Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence [Verse 2] In restless dreams, I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night and touched the sound of silence [Verse 3] And ...

Well, February 2010-February 2011 marks the most eventful period of my entire life. We started w/ a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, G loosing his job the same week, me undergoing major surgery in March-no cancer, but no help for my chronic pain, G finding a new job in April, giving up on infertility treatments in July, adopting our precious son at the end of July, finding out I was 5 weeks pregnant when our son was 1 week old, finding out I was allergic to dairy, soy, wheat, and eggs the same week, a trip to Hawaii with our 3 week old in August, surgery for our 6 week old for Pyloric Stenosis in September, a bout with Pneumonia over Christmas, to G moving out of state in January for 11 months for his job. With all these changes, everything has worked out more perfectly than we ever could have imagined. We attribute our blessings to God and still trust he has a plan with the new changes to come. These few life changes take me to today. To say the least, I'm feelin...

If anyone actually read my blog, I'm sorry I forgot to post the outcome of my last post. Two days after being told we were chosen to adopt a 4  month old baby girl, we were told the parent changed her mind. We felt ok, since it was a complex situation and I guess wasn't meant to be. I finally received clearance from another infertility specialist to see him w/o getting the MMR vaccine. I actually went to get it and they refused to give it to me saying I was not a good candidate. We have an appointment for a consult with the new doctor in the middle of the month. I also had a surgical procedure completed a few weeks ago that opened both of my fallopian tubes which were supposedly blocked. I don't understand, as I just had surgery in March and was told they were clear. My Dr. said it takes at least one year for them to become blocked, so it doesn't make sense? On Monday June 28th the adoption agency contacted us to say were were chosen again as a first choice by a bir...

Yesterday we received some exciting and possibly devastating news. I hardly slept last night and can't seem to focus! Why does time have to pass so slowly when we want it to speed up, yet pass so quickly when we want it to slow? Yesterday I received a call stating that G and I needed to call before a certain time for an important conference call. It was the middle of my work day and I suspected the news, but couldn't get a hold of G. He was in an all day meeting from 6 am to 10 pm- his new typical work day at his wonderful new job that pays him a salary, so he does not get overtime for his insane work schedule (I'm just a little upset about this). Anyway, I felt crazy and upset because G would not answer his phone or emails. I finally got to speak with him and we were on the conference call, then we all got cut off. It seems that life just doesn't want to cooperate sometimes! After we eventually all got back on the phone we were told that we were picked by a birth fami...

A lot has happened since my surgery, most of which I can't recall other than debilitating pain. This is the first week I've been of the dilaudid and percocet and think I am experiencing major withdrawals. I have head and body aches, extreme nausea, chills or hot flashes, feel emotional, and random pains. I don't think I've yet to experience a day of feeling better than 75%, but hope I feel better soon. I am picking up a few appointments next week, but tend to become exhausted after only minimal activity. My final results revealed no cancer in the biopsied tissue, which feels like such a relief. Two weeks after surgery I traveled to visit my family, primarily because my sister said I could watch her birth. However, when it came time she never called. I don't understand and feel so mislead by her...I am pissed! She also hid out at her creepy boyfriend's dad's house after the birth and remained there until after I left, therefore I hardly got to see her baby g...

I had my surgery on 3/9, but haven't been able to post until now. I've been experiencing some health issues that have been exacerbated during the last few months. After living with chronic pain for years, a large mass was found on my right ovary in December. They also found elevated cancer antigen levels, placing me at risk for cancer. Surgery was scheduled to test for cancer, remove endometrial lesions, along with an appendectomy, bladder distension, a presacral neurectomy, and removal of ovarian cysts. The preliminary biopsies were free of cancer!!! I will wait for 1.5 weeks for the final results on all the removed tissue. The doctor was amazed that I had so little scar tissue and adhesions for having stage 4 endometriosis. However, he said my abdomen and organs were covered in extensive endometriosis that he had to remove. It was far worse than he imagined possible. He rarely finds it on the diaphragm, but found some on mine, which he removed. This makes breathing incredib...

I am feeling much calmer than my last post. I decided to be an hour late picking G up from the airport. He was a little pissed. I don't think I've ever been so angry with him, but I think I got the message across. He didn't speak the entire 1.5 hour ride home, or for 3 days later. I think we may have worked out some issues. G has been doing all the house work lately and making meals. The house is actually clean to my standards, not his usual disaster mode. I opened my own checking account again and planned to transfer the difference between his personal spending and mine- several thousand dollars, but I haven't yet. I know once he finds out he will be angry. I just have to decide when I am ready for that battle. I am a few clicks away from doing it when I decide. He also cut back on his spending since returning, I think only purchasing milk in the last week. I've still been working my ass off at work and actually feel sad that I have to stop and take time off. I rea...

What happens when attempts are made to express your concerns about constantly being disrespected and you aren't even heard? How about realizing that you can't make someone change, yet aren't willing to live without the changes. At what point is enough, enough? I just don't think I can do it anymore... For some reason G thinks he is super special and superior to all. The laws and rules that would apply to everyone else just don't apply to him, because he is better than everyone else. How is it that we have a so called "budget" that we initially discussed together, yet somehow it doesn't apply to him? It doesn't apply because it was all my idea and he supposedly didn't have any input. We built an amount into our budget for each one of us to spend each month with no questions asked; so why does this amount not apply to him? I didn't spend all of mine and put it into a savings account and somehow that wasn't fair, because I was hoarding mo...

I have been feeling so angry towards G and I don't know if anything is salvageable at this point. I don't know how to get beyond these feelings of frustration and anger I have towards him. Part of me wonders if I am being unfair and unreasonable. If I am, I don't know how to not be in this situation? Since G lost his job I feel that he could be helping out a lot more than he is. He is leaving tomorrow super early (I have to drive him to the airport at 6 am 80 miles away!), when I have to work till about 10 pm tomorrow. I am a little pissed, as this is for a supposed job interview up North near our families, but it really isn't. It is a front for him to go screw off and go skiing for 4 days. I would normally think ok, great, he deserves some time off an a break. However, after the last 1.5 weeks I don't think so. I've been working my ass of with 80 or more hours per week. I worked almost all last weekend, yet why is the house still a disaster now that he has all ...

Well I have mixed news. First, we are first in line to get on the main list for our adoption, meaning we will soon be in the pool for birthmoms to choose from. After this great news, I felt like my luck was finally changing and I actually received positive news for once. Then, I get home and G is home super early. I ask why and he said he was laid off! I couldn't believe it. Now our income is down to 1/3 of what it was before. I thought G would decide to actually help out around the house now, but I was wrong. It has almost been one week and he has washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher and spent the whole week screwing off on the internet and watching tv. I'm sorry, but I have been working 80+ hours per week and I get that level of help? It really pisses me of to be frank, because I am not feeling well, needed to work less because I am so exhausted, but now I have to work more and G is a lazy ass that I am now supporting. It just really pisses me off. Now, he has been g...

Prior to my appointment today I was a wreck. However, now I dont' know what I am feeling? The results are in: elevated ca-125 (cancer antigens). The score was over 86 with <35 being normal. My doctor told me not to be alarmed because it can be elevated with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. However, in my search to understand what that score meant, I found this notation on medline: "In the patient who is being evaluated for a pelvic mass, a CA 125 level greater than 65 is associated with malignancy in approximately 90% of cases." Does that mean that I have a 90% chance of having ovarian cancer then? There is some good out of this. She mentioned that the surgeon will have to move up my surgery with that score, so I may get in sooner. She also prescribed me muscle relaxers for the pain to see if they work, since nothing else has. I told G about the elevated score (not the possible high probability of cancer) and he took it hard. I think he was crying on the phone, but I...

I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a train; every muscle aches, and each movement reminds me of how exhausted I am, I wonder how I can possibly even get out of bed and begin the day? Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wa...

What happens during that period of time between uncertainty and certainty, ignorance and awareness, denial and reality? Once the knowledge is obtained it can change life forever; that point of no return. When the option to choose sides arises, where is it better to stand in the end when the outcome remains the same? I feel that I could be approaching that point where everything could change. It would almost be a relief to have a definite answer for once and definite outcome, an end. Part of me wants to fight, the other wants to give up. It has been a long and painful run. Do I tell my loved ones before the prognosis is known to spare them of any unnecessary concern? Why am I not upset? Am I in denial: "it can't happen to me", "I'm too young"; or feeling peace that it could be an end to the suffering, maybe a secret answer to prayer? As it stands I still can't get into see the doctor until Feb 5th. I doubt she can help me. I have another appointment ...

A single rose left to remember As a single tear falls from her eye Another cold day in December A year from the day she said goodbye Seems it's only been a moment Since the angels took him from her arms And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow But as they laid him in the ground Her heart would sing without a sound For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of your life Just open up your eyes A single lifetime lays behind her As she draws her final breath Just beyond the door he'll find her Taking her hand she softly says For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of yo...

Well it seems this week is ending the same way it began with pain. I've been in pain for at least 2 weeks straight now with no relief. I think so much pain can mentally break someone. I can't recall the last time I felt like this, but I believe it was in college. I have been crying almost all day, every day this week. I feel so hopeless and as if there is nothing left to look forward to, except for more pain. I was able to get my records from my ER visit and read through them. I don't understand half of the things noted about my blood work and urine and haven't been able to contact my doctor. I filled my prescription for antibiotics yesterday and started them last night. If I have a so called "bladder infection" as they thought, then I suppose they will help clear it up. I am pissed because now I am killing all the healthy bacteria I built up for the last 2 years. I haven't even been sick since this spring and I ALWAYS get sick after antibiotics, plus a fu...

After this last week of unbearable pain and a trip to the ER, I am seriously wondering what is there to live for anymore? Each day is such a struggle from the constant pain and knowing that I will probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. It seems the only thing I do live for is work. I've been working 12-14 hour days and G has been out of town for the last 3 weeks. I feel so alone. At the ER they ran lots of tests and could only tell me I "might" have a bladder infection and probably had ruptured ovarian cysts. They found more cysts on my ovaries. My choices are pain management or removal of the ovaries. Then I would be put into permanent menopause, which is hell, from previous experience. The pain is so debilitating I can't even move from the fetal position for hours at a time. The pain medication does nothing for the pain, plus I can't take it and drive. I've had a few bladder infections and I don't think I have one. I do everything right a...

For some reason I feel so agitated right now, maybe it's PMS? This week has been so busy with 8 appointments today (1 in 15 minutes), so I may not get to complete my rant. I don't know why, but I have been feeling agitated every time J happens to post new pictures on his FB page. I don't even want to see them, then he messages me and asks if I happened to see his new pictures? Damn it, I don't want to see your risque pictures of you and your girlfriend! It seems that he always contacts me when his life sucks, but then never cares to tell me that it doesn't suck or what happens in between. I'm sorry, but I will not be the person to talk to just when your life sucks! Either we are friends through the good and bad or not at all. So then I wonder...did he get back with his girl friend, does life not suck anymore, etc.? Yet I don't want to ask to seem like I care, because I don't want to give the wrong impression (which he so easily gets). Part of me wants t...

On Saturday, J instant messaged me stating he was so glad I am happy, but he hates his life and his job (I think he just got his Facebook (FB) account back). I asked him what prompted his message and he said his job isn't what he expected (I think it isn't dangerous enough), and he isn't sure if he is going to stay with his girlfriend, whom he was supposedly going to propose to. He said she is constantly jealous and they always fight. It is a long distance relationship. From his FB page I can guess a few things that are going on. First, he used the button that said "no longer in a relationship", yet his gf just posted 100 pictures of them together in Europe. Thus, I imagine he is stuck in this cycle of picking long distance relationships...why? Then, whenever he gets close to a commitment he breaks up with the girl...why? I deduced the following from his page, our discussion, mixed with her comments. He told her he planned to buy her a plane ticket to Italy, when ...