Searching for the Answers...

This is too weird! It was Sunday 12/7 and I was thinking that I haven't heard from J in a long time. After checking my blog on 12/8 I realized it was about 1.5 years (I think?). I was wondering how he was doing, but didn't want to ask. So today out of the blue I needed to check my junk email account to find a confirmation email. I haven't checked this account for over 2 months, because it is very old and I only use it for junk mail. As I was browsing through the over 300 emails and deleting I saw J's name. On 12/7 he wrote me a very brief email asking how I was (if I even used the old account anymore). I don't want to read too much into this, but THIS is exactly the reason why I have such a challenging time getting over J. It is like we can still read each other's minds (0r this is another crazy coincidence?) and think the same thing at the same time. Plus, why did I even need to check that account? I happened to check it only 5 days after he emailed me when I h...

I was right! My meeting today went terribly. First, they spent 20 minutes telling us how great we are and that we are the top performing agency in the state. Then, proceeded to tell us they weren't cutting our salaries or benefits, but....we have to work 600 more hours per year to maintain the same salary and benefits. Now that is what I call a crock of shit! In essence, If I continue to keep the same work load I will get a 20% reduction in pay and benefits, if I even qualify for benefits at all. All my raises over the last 3 years mean nothing. I am back below my starting salary several years ago. I bet I would make much more as a manager at McDonald's. That is just a swell way to treat loyal and educated employees. Plus, we get 30% less vacation per year. Some people I'm sure were happy about the change because they can only work an hour and bill for 3 hours, but I have to work 1.5 hours just to bill for a single hour. We are supposed to have the same pay with the same wo...

Today I read over my first two months of blogging and continually feel amazed by the craziness of my life. I could seriously write a novel or make a mini-series that would seem like fiction. I felt much better today than yesterday. I guess I just needed to sleep on a few things and pray I don't have any dreams about J. G really is a good guy. He used to be a monster, but he has changed for the most part. I still catch myself feeling suspicious once in a while; and if he is doing something behind my back, he is doing a really good job...kudos to him. I have two weeks left in my last semester of classes (for a year or two), and I am so ready to be finished. Tomorrow I have a meeting for work that will supposedly change the future of my job...whatever that means. They make it sound like we are getting fired, but I doubt it is the case. I'm assuming I will have to put up with a lot more crap and will probably have more job duties for the same pay... yay !!! I'm doing so great, ...

G and I returned from an almost 2 week vacation to the Caribbean, which was amazing. We spent some much needed time together without any distractions. I went snorkeling on the reef every day. The white sand and picturesque turquoise waters made all my cares just melt away. I also got a tan. My neighbor was so impressed he told me about 5 x's last night that he couldn't believe I got a tan and I'm not pasty white anymore. Did I mention he was enjoying his Cuban cigar we brought him. It was too funny. I can't wait to be finished with school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have two weeks left, then will start my student teaching hell in January for 5 months. I hope I don't have a coronary from the stress of working full time and teaching part time (two things that should not be combined). I'm afraid to take any time off work in the case G looses his job. He is hanging Christmas lights today, for the first time ever! I'm so amazed as usually he hates Christmas. Two night...

Today marks the end to a very long and drawn out week. Tomorrow I take the equivalent of the state board exam for my degree. I can't wait to get it over with. Then on to getting ready for my family to arrive and preparing for vacation. G and I haven't talked much, since he has been too busy with work (not getting home until after 8:30 pm most nights). It seems the same ending to all of our serious discussions...brush it under the rug like it never happened. Honestly, I could care less right now. I have too many other quandaries to worry about. In addition, I'd rather enjoy our vacation, than worry about arguing or a big fight. I think May will mark a time of big decisions in my/our lives, as I should be finished with school and teaching and have time to think about our relationship and what to do in the future.

Listening to music often helps me process emotions I can't seem to find the words to express. I think this song has a great message I need to listen to and try to implement. It seems like something a good and honest friend would tell me right now. "It's The Only One You've Got" How do you know where you're going When you don't know where you've been You hide the shame that you're not showing And you won't let anyone in A crowded street can be a quiet place When you're walking alone And now you think that you're the only One who doesn't [Chorus:] Have to try And you won't have to fail If you're afraid to fight Then i guess you never will You hide behind your walls Of maybe nevers Forgetting that there's something more Than just knowing better Your mistakes do not define you now They tell you who you're not You've got to live this life you're given Like it's the only one you've got Memories have left yo...

I'm trying to accomplish too many things at once!!!! Maybe I'm trying to over work myself to block out life...I honestly don't know, but I am too busy. I told G I thought he should move out and he became quite upset/mad. He said if one of us moves out then it is over and a divorce is imminent . I told him I would not tolerate being lied to and would separate if necessary. I don't know if he got the point, but he has been much nicer (for the most part), during the last few weeks. I don't know if his reaction fit into any of the categories suggested in the comment section of my last post? I feel like he cared and was shocked I would suggest such a thing. I was drinking, so I can't recall everything clearly. I did tell him that if he ever feels like he needs to cheat, then to just tell me (like it's that easy); because I don't want to be in a one sided relationship. I told him I don't want him to be here if he doesn't want to be and would rather he...

I think the human species has an inborn desire to be heard and understood, or at least acknowledged. I don't know that I am? I'm confused...I don't know what to do or how to react. Doing nothing almost seems easier than thinking about all the possibilities and alternatives. I heard a quote the other day that struck me: "The pursuit of happiness leads to all unhappiness". When we have expectations instead of going with the flow of life, we are bound to feel disappointment. I think one could derive two meanings from the quote: 1. give up trying, or 2. stop having expectations and go with the flow. In the last week or two, I think I've given up on a variety of issues in my life: trying or even wanting to have a child, my diet, worrying about scorpions and spiders in my house, and my marriage. It seemed that trying to move towards a state of increased happiness only left me with a greater sense of dissatisfaction. Thus, maybe I am taking on a new philosophy- refra...

I need to be studying, but need to process through a few things on my mind first. It seems that all my emotions have been coming to the surface lately and I need to work through them, even though I don't want to. First, I am wondering what my family's problem is? It seems they have been avoiding/ignoring me ever since our vacation in July. It was our attempt at visiting family while actually doing something fun and vacation like. However, it seems to have backfired. I haven't talked to my dad or brother since July. I talked to my sister once, after calling her over 5 times. She said she was busy and would call me back...which was two weeks ago. I've talked to my mom about 2x, both calls I initiated. I've called my brother at least 3 times and he never calls me back. I am thinking, what the hell? Since they are ignoring me all I can do is assume what their issues are. I'm guessing they are pissed because we aren't spending over $1500 this Christmas to fly hom...

I was just thinking to myself during the last few weeks that it had been a while since I was extremely angry with G. In keeping with tradition with the last 3 years, I couldn't let September pass without doing so. I am so utterly pissed that I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. Yesterday at about 4 pm I called him at work to ask where the key was for the back gate (since he has to lock it all the time), so the pest control guy could spray the backyard. He screened my call and called back about 5 minutes later. It sounded noisy and I asked him were he was? He said "at work" and I questioned him further because I didn't believe him and he insisted he was still working and AT work. He then proceeded to chew me out because I lost the key and should know where he put it. I asked when he would be home and done working and he said "I'm still working! I don't know!". Well at about 8:30 pm he comes strolling in, chewing gum and asks how I'm doing,...

Today I went to Walgreen's and bought a bunch of stuff I plan to give to charity, since I don't use products with chemicals. I purchased $54.76 worth of stuff (air fresheners , lotion, body wash, toothpaste, antacids, etc.) - $5 coupon for spending $20 ( available on Walgreen's website) - $21.11 in manufactures coupons Total: $28.65 w/ tax I used my Walgreen's gift card from last month with $23.94, so only paid $4.15 out of pocket (on this amount I get 5% cash back on my credit card or $.21) Since I purchased items that have a rebate I will get back either $38.26 as a check or $42.09 on a Walgreen's gift card (10% bonus). Most items were free after rebate, but I also used coupons. So, my real total for my "charity" purchases was +$13.65. In essence, I get to help charity and I made money for doing it. This is what I do for fun sometimes. I get to oust my shopping cravings and I make a few bucks. It really doesn't take that long...maybe 5 minutes ...

With all the chaos and destruction of the American economy I have to sit back and think: "What did you expect?" This is what consumerism and capitalism is all about...caniving as much as possible to gain a hefty profit, and never facing consequences for poor financial management practices. In addition, the government is now suggesting a 700 billion dollar bailout of some of the wealthiest companies, which are partially to blame for the housing crisis to begin with! Oh, and they are thinking about limiting CEO's severance packages to not exceed multi-millions of dollars. Great! These companies get a huge reward for corrupt business practices! I guess that is what capitalism is all about, right! And the American public is so brainwashed to believe that it may actually help them, when in reality it is still only making the rich richer. If a small company goes under no one even notices or cares. They are not offered a bailout to prevent them from facing the consequences o...

I love looking back at my past blogs to see what I was doing/thinking/going through at the time. One year ago in September: I took my first yoga class... I now go twice per week and love the relaxing feeling. It is actually one of the few forms of exercise I can do without hindering my fertility. I apologized to my friend for being a bad friend. I started going to acupuncture. I went on a 3 week visit to see my family. I was upset with G for being self-centered (He still hasn't finished the project!!!) Two years ago in September: I was extremely pissed at G, to the point of seriously contemplating divorce. I set the following goals: *Obtain a usable Master's degree that will allow for a significant increase in my salary in the future and opportunity for advancement with possible use of a Doctorate. (I started school in February 2007 and only have a few credits left for my teaching cert. and only 15 left to get my Master's. I really don't want to teach, but want to have ...

This has been an extremely stressful week for my job. I typically bill about 20-22 hours per week, but this week I billed over 36, meaning I worked about 50! I feel it isn't fair someone in my same position has only billed 20 hours for the entire month, yet I have billed over 70 and she is paid more than me! It isn't fair and I keep getting kids added to my case load. We are having a meeting next week to adjust our caseloads so she has a full schedule and I'm not working overtime. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I needed to drink after work. I love the numbness a buzz gives me. Thus, I purchased a few bottles of wine on my way home. Red wine is good for you, right! I just read Graeme's last comment and I really appreciate honest opinions; something I can't get in my daily life, because know one knows all the crap going on inside my head except my blog readers, or they are afraid of offending me. I think if we actually knew what was going on...

I must first start off with "I think my pain medication makes me bipolar". I try to take the less potent meds, but they cause severe migraines. So, I take my stronger ones that make me feel like I am high, so I can work. I can't stop moving and doing 20 things per minute. I am going, going, gone... However, I also feel moody and irritable. My senses are highened and I get easily overstimulated, making me feel overwhelmed. Sounds like I am on speed or soemthing. Whatever it does, it works to dull the pain and gives me energy that I always seem to lack. I'm almost out so will unfortunately have to make an appointment with a doctor. I'm so sick of doctors!!! So back to the real reason I'm writing today. On Saturday our friends told us about a coworker who has a sister that is going to have a baby in November. They said she doesn't want her baby and wants to give it up. It peaked our interest, but I did not even start to get my hopes up. After about an hour di...

I just woke up from a dream about J. I feel frantic, lost, and so confused. I could swear the dream was real and the feelings seem even more real. I don't know how I can begin to forgive myself for not giving J another chance. I pray he can forgive himself too for pushing me away to begin with. It feels like I made the wrong decision being w/ G and that G is only with me because he knows J loves me and doesn't want him to have me. I feel like I can't contain the emotions in my body right now. Every part of me wants to find out where J is and get to him as fast as humanly possible. If J feels or felt anything close to what I am right now I can understand why he couldn't let go. Why did I have this dream? Why does life have to be so confusing? Why do my emotions seem so strong for J that I just want to jump out of my skin? In the dream I was camping with G and J was there. We were all in the same tent and I was cuddling with both G and J. All I wanted was to be alone with...

I don't understand why everyone around me assumes I have a perfect life? Many people in the past month have mentioned that they look up to me and think I am a very strong person. I am humbled by them, but feel so weak and like such a mess. At any second I could just burst into tears although I may be smiling 2 seconds before. I think I use other people in my life as an excuse not to feel my emotions. I don't want to burden them with my countless issues so I pretend I am ok, when inside I am so depressed. Most of the time I convince myself I am fine too, but I've been cracking more frequently during the last month. If I didn't try to get on with my life and actually processed my emotions and my depression I don't think I could get out of bed each day. I need to find a balance between functioning and processing my emotions. It seems like it is one or the other at this juncture in my life. I would describe my relationship with G as "Blah". It isn't good o...

I feel so confused right now. I've been seeing an acupuncturist since October. She is a personal friend and in school for acupuncture. I feel that she has done a great job thus far. However, she will no longer be able to offer me treatment. I was excited because I found an acupuncturist on the list of providers covered by my insurance. She specializes in fertility issues. I gave her my insurance info and she informed me today that my insurance will not cover any acupuncture services. I am so bummed! I will now have to pay over $90 per treatment 2x/week, versus the $15-$35 I was paying before. My friend recommended I see a naturopathic doctor instead. My insurance doesn't cover them either and they charge $250+ per appointment. I can't afford to pay so much for services. I have been making great progress especially the last 3 months, with a significant decrease in pain. I feel like all my progress will now be lost. I said before that I would not spend thousands on treatments...

Our trip was eventful to say the least. We had a great time and thought everything was fine. However, I guess it wasn't after having my family blow up after returning. We thought we understood in advance that my parents would drop us off at G's boss' home, which was on the "planned route" of our trip. However, the plan suddenly changed and there was no plan, when my parents decided to be difficult. When we returned from the trip and planned to spend 3 days in our home town I called my mom to invite them for dinner. She blew a top and went off on me. She said it was my fault she had a horrible trip and my fault that my dad hurt his leg (when is was injured in a snowmobiling accident in February!). G drove most of the trip and we stopped whenever anyone wanted to. She also said I was extremely cold hearted. Mind you, prior to this, I had no idea there were any issues. Evidently, my parents didn't want to drop us off at G's boss', because they thought the...

On Saturday I will be going on vacation for 12 days. We are flying North to meet my parents for a 9 day road trip. We will then go back to our home town for a few days. We planned the trip almost 4 months ago. However, it now seems to be the worst possible timing. My back has been killing me lately. The pain has been getting worse for two years now. Before, if I worked all day outside I wouldn't be able to walk in the evening if I sat down, even for 10 minutes. Now if I vacuum or even do yoga it sets off an episode. I've tried doing strengthening exercises for my back, but then I end up in bed for a week. Last Thursday it started hurting after meditating in yoga. For the first time it didn't go away after I went to bed. My acupuncturist thinks I have a ruptured or herniated disk. She wants me to get an MRI of my back and brain. Thus, I have to see a Western medical doctor to get a referral. I will have to plan strategically, because I don't want to take any chances if I...

Maybe someone could tell me why my blog keeps changing my text to Hindi? I have to type in the "edit HTML" window or the text turns to Hindi. English isn't an option on the pull down bar, only other aramaic languages. A few months ago I linked a previous blog to my current blog। When I first started the other blog I sent links to some people I knew। Thus, if they remember the link 2 years later they can also see my "anonymous" blog. I felt vulnerable at first, but now I don't care. If someone I know reads my blog and thinks differently of me or judges me, then let the one who has lived a perfect life be the one to throw a stone. I'm human, but the best thing is that I try to learn from my mistakes and I've come so far. I'm not afraid of the past, nor am I afraid to look back and see the imense journey I've traveled to get where I am today. This week I made a few resolutions for myself. One of my largest struggles in life revolves around my di...

I should be working or completing papers for school, however I'm stalling. I just read Gramae's blog, which I haven't visited for a long time. He reminded me that even though we are over someone, we may still think of them in retrospect to make decisions and adjustments to the future; which brings me to thoughts of J. He deleted his myspace account, so I have no way of knowing anything that is going on in his life, aside from asking him directly (if I even remembered his email address). I decided I'm ok with letting go. I really want him to find happiness. I wish he could realize happiness doesn't have to be with a specific person. Life is what you make of it despite your current situation. Part of me still wonders if we could have been happy together, and I honestly don't know? A huge part of me knows how immature I was 9 years ago and all the drama may have been too much. The part that kills me is that I'm fairly sure he isn't a Christian. Would having...

I almost forgot how good it felt to vent via my blog. Life has been so crazy and busy I just can't find the time. I feel like I've made some progress towards my goals. However, I still have constant battles from within. My health has been the number one factor and battle. I continue to go to acupuncture on a bi-weekly basis and drink 2 cups of awful herbal concoctions per day. Why???????????????????????? Well, somewhere inside I still have a ray of hope that I may be able to conceive children some day. I actually drink squirrel dung!!! Am I crazy or desperate? On the other hand, part of me wants to let go. I think I have for the last three months. I blocked out the emotions that make me feel sad in exchange for complacency and lack of apathy. For the last few weeks I've felt like I have a ton of bricks on my chest. It hurts to breathe and I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. It feels like I can't get enough air. I'm supposed to be working on deep breathin...

In retrospect, I can't believe I've come so far in 3 years of blogging. Happy blog birthday to me!

I just have to get this off my chest (time for blog therapy)! I'm so frustrated with G. Within the last week I celebrated my birthday. I've been trying so hard to avoid sugar & dairy, and eat a healthy diet. I was literally so sick the last week and a half I couldn't eat much. Sugar only makes me feel worse, although I love to eat it (thus this is a daily battle for me). Well after argument (see #1) G calls on my b-day and asks if I want to go to the store with him. I said fine and we left when he arrived home from work. He asked me what kind of cake I wanted. I told him I couldn't eat cake. He asked what I wanted him to make then, and I suggested apple crisp w/o sugar or cupcakes (which our friends will eat), so I wouldn't be stuck with a cake in the house for a week (tempting me to eat it). He then went through the drive through of a restaurant and ordered my favorite milk shake and drank it in front of me! He never does this and it was completely rude and s...

I just returned "home" last week from vacation. For the first time ever, my old home didn't feel like home anymore. I really just wanted to come back to what I now consider my newly adopted home. It was nice to see family, but I was quickly reminded of the pettiness and drama when someone started a rumor that I was pregnant and not telling my parents or siblings (yeah!). My grandpa had a stroke on Christmas, so we spent part of the day at the hospital. I realized how distant I feel emotionally from some of my family members. However, I would have been very distraught if it was my other grandma or grandpa, whom I am extremely close to. He seems to be recovering and should be out of therapy in a few weeks. I wish G and I were on the same page as to where we want to live. I want to say somewhere warm, while he wants to move back to our home state (despite the potential health ramifications). He enjoyed hunting and skiing while on vacation, while I sat inside...for over 2 wee...