No Words to Describe...
Although I haven't had time to journal lately, I've been thinking about my life and the purpose my journal serves. Looking through past posts it appears as if my life is always miserable and I never feel happy, but I tend to write only as a venue to alleviate stress and depression in my life. During the "happy" times I don't need to write, so I usually don't.
Today I received a devastating blow to my life dream and what I view as the primary purpose of my life. I don't feel like I have words to describe the devastation and heartbreak I am feeling right now. I feel numb, to the point I can't access my feelings because I am trying to postpone the inevitable devastation.
I decided I needed to stop being reactive and begin a proactive approach. After 12 long years of suffering extreme pain for up to three weeks of every month I finally found the courage to make an appointment with a specialist to find out the severity of my endometriosis. Today was the day, the day I dreaded and put off for so long, because I couldn't bear to hear I may not be able to have children. Unfortunately, my husband left this morning before my appointment for a week long business trip. I really needed him with me today, but he couldn't be there. I nervously waited in the waiting room for an excruciating hour. The nurse finally took me into a small, freezing exam room. I spoke with the doctor for about 30 minutes as he explained my 3 options. I was prepared to schedule surgery and hoped I wouldn't have to. After the exam the look on the doctor's face said it all. He stuttered as he said it is very unusual and extremely rare to feel endometriosis, but he felt mine. I am one of the worst cases or the worst case he has ever encountered. He basically said surgery couldn't help me, it was already too severe. My only option is a very potent drug that has such severe side effects I have to take another medication to combat them. I would take it for 6 months to see if my pain subsides. If it doesn't then I have to take it for another 6 months...which is not recommended. The effects of the drug aren't permanent and the only way to alleviate the pain and destruction of my reproductive system is a complete hysterectomy. Even then, endometriosis can still grow and cause scar tissue and pain. After I take the medication I can't begin to try to become pregnant for another 6 months. I won't be considered infertile until we officially "try" for one year after that. I talked to my husband and he doesn't think having a child is worth risking my health. I on the other hand would sacrifice my health to bring another life into this world. I have suffered in pain for my entire life, so what is the rest going to hurt? I feel so devastated and alone. I wish I had someone to just give me a hug right now. My mom and husband both cried when I told them the news. I made it to my car without breaking down. My only hope is to have faith God will work a miracle in my life and allow me to have children.
Comments
You'll be in my thoughts.
If you don't mind, I'll pray for you.
I also suffer from severe endometriosis. I have had surgery to remove lesions and try to subside pain, but it hasn't helped all that much. I try to remain optimistic about my chances at conceiving, but according to my doctor, they are fairly low. I'm only 23 and not married (though living with my boyfriend of 4 years, whom I plan on marrying in the next few years) and it scares me to death to think I may never have children of my own.
My doctor has suggested I start trying to get pregnant now...great idea, if I was done with college and 'ready' for the responsibilities of parenting...but I'm not.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I commiserate with you and I truly hope a miracle is worked for you.
(((HUGS)))