I Had to Know

Last week something I found on G's computer led me to believe he knew about my blog and didn't tell me. I had to post something here to see if he knew. After not mentioning anything or acting differently for 4 days I finally confronted G and insisted he tell me how he knew about J. He really knew nothing of my blog and said it would be dumb for him to lie about something like this and conjure up such a strange story about J. He said he would have flat out told me if he did know about J in some other way. Part of me doesn't want to believe him, but I know he is telling me the truth. I had to know the truth before I could put 100% into our relationship. I want a family, but don't want to have any regrets once I become pregnant. I don't ever want to look back or feel as if he tried to manipulated me or trap me into this relationship. I doubt he would do it, but I had to know.

Last Sunday when I thought he lied to me I felt so defeated, as if I had to start all over again. I realized it would be very difficult for me to leave him, because I do love him so much. I think we have a great relationship and a lot to look forward to in the future. I would hate to loose what we have. I think I am finally finding closure with J, from somewhere within. My dreams are changing. Instead of longing to be with him or have a moment with him I feel completely separated from him in my dreams. For example, last night he was in my dream, but I was with G. I looked into J's eyes and walked away; I didn't feel as if I needed to say anything or like I wanted to spend time with him. It was over. I hope he can find the same strength from within to let me go and move on to a new life with someone else. I truly hope J finds happiness in his life, but I doubt I will ever know, because I will not go out of my way to speak to him again.