Searching for the Answers...

Wow...it has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened in so little time. My husband and I talked rationally (not a good idea to discuss critical marital issues in the midst of drunkenness). I think we made progress, but we both feel indifferent about our relationship now. Maybe our sense of security in one another and our relationship was lost, I don't know? I thought I knew my husband, but obviously don't. He shocked the hell out of me when he said he wanted me to move back with my family. Later he recanted his statements about me leaving and resenting me not having a job and mentioned they were only to hurt me. I still can't believe what he said though, even if it was supposedly out of spite. We both decided to work on our relationship and attempt to have more patience for one another. We've both been on edge the last several days. I don't know what will happen, but I think we will probably stay together even if we aren't happy because we are afraid...

It's down to this I've got to make this life make sense Can anyone tell what I've done I missed life I missed the colors of the world Can anyone tell where I am 'Cause now again I've found myself So far down, away from the sun That shines into the darkest place I'm so far down, away from the sun again Away from the sun again I'm over this I'm tired of living in the dark Can anyone see me down here The feelings gone There's nothing left to lift me up Back into the world I've known 'Cause now again I've found myself So far down, away from the sun That shines into the darkest place I'm so far down, away from the sun That shines the life away from me To find my way back into the arms That care about the ones like me I'm so far down, away from the sun again It's down to this I've got to make this life make sense And now I can't tell what I've done And now again I've found myself So far down, away from the sun That s...

How ironic that the day I decide to stay with my husband we talk or I should say scream about getting a divorce. I finally said it... I said I thought about divorce from the first day we were ever married. As far as I know, my marriage is over, completely over. Life is one sick joke! I don't know what I am going to do considering I have a worthless degree, because I sacrificed everything for my husband. One piece of advice is to think of yourself before anyone else, because they will leave you in the dust faster than you will ever know! I don't have a job or a place to live, I am thousands of miles away from my family. I've been trying to find a job for 8 months now and still can't find one using my degree. The cost of living is so high I will definitely be on the streets even if I find a job. I feel so hopeless and alone and I don't have one single person to turn to. I just pray God would take me from this hell I am living. I feel the weight of the world on my shou...

Today I woke up feeling great and not confused...Yay! I am actually wondering what in the hell I have been thinking. My ex is acting like a jerk, who just wants to play games with me. A few days ago I was talking to my ex over messenger. I brought up the topic of him never having time to talk and giving one letter/word answers to any and every question. I said he could contact me if he wanted to speak since he is so busy all the time. He said I am trying to play games with him, which I'm not. So now he is stonewalling me...a typical thing for him. As I am thinking logically about the situation I can't believe I didn't acknowledge the signs before. Obviously something has been clouding my judgment, but not today. I think my problem arises because I am too analytical and can envision every single possibility and consequence for any situation, which leaves me confused an indecisive. Anyway, I will look at the facts: He isn't willing to make one sacrifice for me. He won...

I am supposedly living the "American Dream", so why does it feel more like a nightmare? I guess it must be America's dream...not mine.

To take this questionnaire click on the heading. I found it somewhat insightful. Obviously, I know I still have a lot to work on...I'm not hopeless though. If you take the test please post your results in the comments section and whether you thought they were accurate or not. Your score was 72 The current average is 106.74 and is based on the scores of 2755 people. The higher your score, the more capable you are, at this time, of attracting what you truly want in relationships (or experiencing those qualities in your current relationship). If you scored 63-93, the probability of you attracting (or experiencing being in) your ideal relationship and being happy in it is moderately low. You definitely need to work on yourself, as many of your attitudes and beliefs need to be changed, in order for you to have the loving relationship you want. At this time, a lot of your negative subconscious programming may be getting in your way, and it would be wise to work on "re-wiring" t...

I thought I would share some information I've obtained over the years regarding relationships. John Gottman is a leading researcher in predicting divorce. Using the points highlighted below he can predict divorce up to 97% of the time, even in newlywed couples. For a 4 page article on Gottman's work please click on the header (includes in depth discussion of the four horsemen). According to a 15-year survey reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , an individual's level of happiness before marriage is the best predictor of happiness after marriage. What Makes an Unhappy Relationship The Seven "Bad Habits" of Unsuccessful Marriages: (The Gottman Institute) A high ratio of negative to positive inputs . If a ratio greater than 1 negative to every 5 positive interactions in a relationship exists, then a couple will be less resilient to marital stress and exhibit a higher divorce rate. A couple is headed for divorce if the ratio sinks to 1 1/2 n...

Has anyone seen this movie? I loved it, but I sure cried. The relationships and situations depicted in the movie closely resemble mine, so I can completely relate. I feel so fortunate to have at least had the opportunity to experience such romance and love. We shared such an awesome love, and I know it eats away at my ex more and more everyday. I know he pushes me away because he is afraid to feel such strong feelings for someone he can't have, so he keeps his feelings locked tightly inside. Occasionally he breaks down and tells me he can't keep living life without me. Like the film, I am the one who has to choose, but I am too afraid. I feel like I've already made my choice, because I married the "other" guy...the one I love, but not with every ounce of my being, not with my soul. It seems odd people can develop such unbreakable bonds with people who my be their soul mate. I believe a soul mate is a person perfectly made for you in every way, shape, and form; Som...

I am so sick of the emotional roller coaster ride I can’t seem to remove from my mind. I really want you out of my life, but don’t know how to get you off my mind so I can finally move on. I feel like you are playing a sick game with me. You say you love me, but don’t seem to give a shit about me or anything to do with me. You never ask how I am, or about my day. If I say something about myself you at the most reply with “oh” or “I see”. Well fucking great! You obviously care so much. How can you supposedly want to be with me, but only care about yourself? Any conversation is always about you, and that is only if I ask questions. Otherwise you have absolutely nothing to say. We can’t even have a normal conversation. Our so called “conversation” consists of me asking you questions only to get one word answers. You don’t ever disclose anything about yourself or tell me how you are. Your excuse for never being able to talk is that you are busy, well obviously you are too busy for a relati...

Click on title to take this quiz. BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE . You need distance between you and your partner in your relationship. You are very difficult to get. You have big requirements and this one you love must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt your heart she/he will be the most happy person in the world. You need someone who shows you that you are special and it makes you feel good to see that you are loved. She/He shall know that you could easily get another girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you love him. When she/he hurts you you will hurt him too, but in general you don't get hurt. If your partner cheated you ,you would react cold and immediately (try to) forget him. If you take this quiz, please post your results in the comments section. Thanks!

Well I am board today and with nothing new to say I decided to look up a few words often associated with love. Society's' perception of the meaning a a specific word may differ from the actual definition... Interesting. Soul Mate: n. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity or someone for whom you have a deep affinity Soul: n. The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity. The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state. The disembodied spirit of a dead human. A human: “the homes of some nine hundred souls” (Garrison Keillor). The central or integral part; the vital core: “It saddens me that this network... may lose its soul, which is after all the quest for news” (Marvin Kalb). A person considered as the perfect embodiment of an i...

I would love to get some other opinions on the topic of soul mates... Do you think they exist? Do we just have one or can we have several? Are you with yours? If so is it happily ever after? Did you loose yours like me? What is your story? Maybe this can provide insight to people out there who feel lost in a sea of love or regret. I've always heard the term "soul mate", but never any real stories about the topic. Please respond in the comments section. Thanks!!!

The center of your life is your god. Who or what is yours?

Oh my God, what do I do? Why do I have to be so damn confused? So he said he might be coming to see me in the next few weeks and he wants to meet alone. I haven't seen him in four long years... What do I do? I’m living my life without you! I have all these jumbled thoughts in my head. Sometimes I think life would be perfect living with you in a little cottage on the beach, but then I wonder who I am trying to fool. Life isn’t perfect, so why do I dream of it being so? Sometimes I think you care, but most of the time I think it is just a game to you. Are you only pursuing this because it gives you a challenge or another thrill? I am afraid of what the future holds, but more afraid of what I may leave behind. How will I ever know what I should have or could have done? How can I go on living life without your presence, when I am haunted daily in my dreams with unending thoughts of you? Will seeing you really make a difference, will it make life more complex and more difficult to bear...

Well the unfortunate day finally arrived when I knew I would have to show my love was true. He said he was uncertain about what he wanted to do in the future and found it difficult to decide with me in his life, for he knew he would do what ever I wanted to do. I sensed the desperation and confusion in his mind and suggested we separate temporarily (we thought). I loved him so much I just had to let go because I wanted him to be happy and find himself, even if it wasn't with me. Little did I know what laid ahead to haunt me for the rest of my life. The pain I felt inside slowly began to eat me alive and consumed my life. For months I couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate. I went days on end without any sleep at all. Suddenly, it began... I started to sleep again, I saw other people, I blocked his calls, I ignored his desperate attempts to renter into my life, while I swore I'd never love again. Don't ask why, but slowly the clouds began to clear as I started to experience...

Well I told of my spouse, now I will try to describe this other guy I just can't seem to get off my mind. About 5 months before I met him my mom told me I needed to write down what I wanted in my ideal guy, so I wouldn't end up settling for less. I couldn't' believe how he matched every single aspect of my description to a perfect "T" (from his appearance, personality, and personal property), and at the time I didn't even know he existed and certainly wasn't looking for the perfect guy I thought I'd only find in my dreams. We dated seriously for two years. My family adored him, and he adored my family. He still talks of how much he truly misses them, since he really did become part of my family. He has a great family, who loved me too. I'm not sure I can say the same about my current in-laws. I can't believe my family named their dog after him (not a bad thing)! I think my dad was the most upset when we broke up, which is amazing, because h...

Gosh, I don't know what my problem is today. I am so negative!!! Looking back I may decide to recant my previous post. This song came to mind and explains exactly how I currently feel. "Bitch" I hate the world today You're so good to me I know but I can't change Tried to tell you But you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath Innocent and sweet Yesterday I cried Must have been relieved to see The softer side I can understand how you'd be so confused I don't envy you I'm a little bit of everything All rolled into one Chorus:I'm a bitch, I'm a lover I'm a child, I'm a mother I'm a sinner, I'm a saint I do not feel ashamed I'm your hell, I'm your dream I'm nothing in between You know you wouldn't want it any other way So take me as I am This may mean You'll have to be a stronger man Rest assured that When I start to make you nervous And I'm going to extremes Tomorrow I will change And today won...

Well, if you didn't know, I have two great men in my life, which only infuses more confusion in my plight to decide. I really do love this guy, just not in the same way. I have a genuine concern for his well being and sometimes just wish he would find someone else, although I'm grateful to have him in my life. I still can't believe I married this guy. For he was the last person in the world I would have ever wanted to marry, and I still to this day don't know why I did. I mean from the very first kiss I kept telling myself "you can't be doing this!". Somewhere inside I know I am afraid to face change and look pain in the eye, so I usually take the easiest route. At the time marrying him was easier than going through the torment of a terrible break up again and much easier than asking myself why? But when I look back, it would have been a hell of a lot easier to just say goodbye! Gosh, how could I walk down that aisle when all I saw was my past love's f...

Well, before I've spoke of how I know my past love and we remain as separated soul mates, so let me explain why... I've already described some of the ironic coincidences in my previous posts, but here are a few more. I may add more as I continue to recall the hundreds of ironic events. He embodied every aspect of my "ideal guy"... Months before we ever met I decided to write about my "ideal" guy. My mom said I should so I wouldn't ever settle for less and my view wouldn't be biased since I wasn't in a relationship. Well I met him and he blew me away. He was every single thing I had written of months before...looks, personality, talents, interests, property, dreams, aspirations, attitude, etc. I mean EVERYTHING! I was utterly shocked. I never imagined my dream guy could actually exist; especially that I would mysteriously find him and he would fall head over heels for me. In my entire life I've never experienced such a magical kiss , for I co...

Did you know it will take me forever and a year to completely disclose my entire story. Don't assume, because you never know what may consume my life. I know, from what I've written so far I sound like an aimlessly wandering love sick babe. I've tried to start over more times than I can count and actually did take the ever haunting leap of faith. In a love sick passive state of denial I rushed into many new relationships. I distortedly thought someone new could get him off my mind. It was from within that nasty state of denial I cruelly awoke from an oh so abrupt dream to find myself married in an abusive relationship. I knew all the signs to look for, so how could I have been taken so off guard? He was the so called seemingly perfect guy until we were married for only a month and a day. It was only verbal and mental at first, which slowly lead into my physical destruction. I was trapped and couldn't escape the small confines of control he put me through...I couldn'...

I still find it amusing that to this day we still communicate via means of simple songs. I think it was less than a month ago you told me to listen to this song. It just seems easier to communicate through a song, because the pain that remains inside just eats me alive if I try to describe how I feel. It seems better to keep my feelings locked inside...but look where that philosophy has lead us to? It's so unfair, why do I have to care! I wish I could just forget you so I could move on with my life. Maybe then I could begin to live with the terrible mistakes I've made. I know time or distance can't separate our hearts, for it has been over 5 years since we've been torn apart and we haven't lost a single step. I know we both feel the same, even when our circumstances have changed. He said: There's a pain that sleeps inside It sleeps with just one eye And awakens the moment that you leave Though I try to look away The pain it still remains Only leaving when you...

The next few weeks I didn't know what to think as my mind reeled with restless thoughts... How could we have met? How could it work when I lived a world away? Was it just all in good fun, or were you truly sincere? In a way I didn't care, because I excitedly told all my friends wonderful stories of you. All I knew, was I could at least cherish the sweet moment in time when you were mine. Somehow you must have known the very words I needed to hear, because my restlessness dissipated upon the arrival of a small package from you. My family was all questions... Who is this guy? Why did he send you a package for Christmas? What is inside? I tried to act nonchalant as the excitement slowly brewed and overflowed from inside. I think I waited an entire day before I mustered to courage to look inside. I secretly stowed the package away to my cousin's house, where I felt safe from prying eyes. Together we excitedly looked inside, but her with a jealous eye. On top was a sweetly typed...

Was it destiny for us to meet? It seemed so short and sweet, yet little did I know what the future would hold for two innocent teens starting to fall in love. Define irony throughout our relationship from the very day we met... Can you believe the vivid picture still etched in my mind after 7 long years? Do you recall the first time we met? In some ironic coincidence an opportunity arose for me to travel to visit my family, whom I hadn't seen in years. I was from out of town and my cousin just happened to send me a letter with your sweet photo, disclosing how you wished to meet this unique cousin of hers. Little did you know your request would be delivered sooner than you knew, for I was on my way the very day you thought of meeting me. I didn't even receive the letter until I returned home, if only I had know the string of ironic events that would make our eventual bond almost indestructible. When I arrived after such a long drive my cousin wondered if I had heard your call t...

Forever, When You Were Mine… I will never be able to drown out the sweet simplicity of the past. Forever I long for the moments that last in time when you were mine. Unfortunately, I failed to cherish those times, which I now regard essential to my very existence. My once sweet bliss has become fundamental to my very presence; I must say savoring one moment gives me the strength to go on another day. What I would give to take part in the memories in my heart when you were mine, for only a brief second in time. Occasionally, to my favor, I am given a limited yet satisfying taste to savor in my dreams. But I pray they would leave me so I could possibly forget and maybe carry on as I should… if only I could. However, in the end I secretly revel in their essence and pretend I am in some other life. I often strive to ponder how differently my situation might be; all the what ifs could eat me alive. I wonder if you struggle with the same thoughts, but I am fraught because questions of the so...

Alone… With love, I write this poem from the very bottom of my heart… From the start, it was you who captured my heart. How I long to see your sweet face, to touch and feel your gentle embrace. Some say love is blind, but not in my mind… You were rare and one of a kind. Someday I can only hope will find the answers I left behind, So I can finally share in the dreams conceived in my mind. I can only wonder how long I can carry on… When I hear our song, it only shatters apart the pieces of my broken heart. Where did we go wrong? Lately, I’ve been going insane wracking my brain… to find a way to alleviate this pain. I’ve walked in the rain, cried in the dark, and called out your name, But it’s just not the same! I even built a wall around my heart, But inside I am still falling apart. If I could only find a way to show you… I miss you more than you will ever know. I though this was supposed to last forever, But it all happened so fast. I fear I’ve forever lost the sweet simplicity of t...

Uncertainty It is my heart that cries out pondering the lonely day I die, Forever wondering what could have been made of the last and wasted attempts? Will I ever know or lay down the past, To rest in the vast emptiness and uncertainty of the vast unknown? I shall listen to the song and continually wonder how long, For if I dare to reach out, will my uncertainty only be prolonged? How can I be content when my heart wasn’t meant to be alone… Can I condone when in part, I was meant to love and laugh with all my heart? Or will I forever dream of the wonders to come, In the hope I may find some of the missing pieces in my life? Or, will I continue to walk blind with a heart full of strife? ~ME

Wow, here I am, writing my first ever post. I didn't even know what the term "blog" meant until today, but I actually find the entire concept quite alluring. Yes I keep a diary, but for whom? I like the allure of actually transmitting into outer space and the possibility of actually being heard for the first time in my screwed up life. So you may ask...What brought me to the point of starting my own blog? Well, I guess I've spent more than my share of evenings alone and ever so board out of my mind, searching for something or someone to fill the emptiness I can't seem to ever erase. Maybe I just want to be heard or someone whom can relate?