Searching for the Answers...

Last weekend I read my entire journal and realized it was almost one year since I told G the truth about J. I convinced myself there was no way G could have possibly dreamed the dreams he did one year ago because everything he said was exactly what I wrote in my journal and more. I wrote a few posts, which I won't post now, with an attempt to finally force G to reveal he has been reading my journal. I felt infuriated that he could continue lying to me when I told him the truth about J. After heated conversations and me revealing small pieces about my anger, G finally told me he found my journal, but only read a small portion. He said he didn't want to read it without me present and without my permission. He said in his dreams he watched someone create a file on our computer "named for what it was"? We were both confused at the time, but he told me he found the hidden file on our computer named "Hurts!" several months ago (yeah... he didn't tell me!). I n...

I can't believe how naive I am. Last night I read my entire journal and realized G only pretended to have dreams outlining my relationship with J, while using my faith and self discovery against me in the process. In reality I know without a doubt that he read my journal and denied he did on numerous occasions. I should have read it over a year ago, because I didn't even remember what I wrote half the time. Every single detail G knew that I thought I didn't write in my journal is written plain as day. What an F-ing liar! I am so angry. I see myself staying with G but need to devise a way to force him to finally tell the truth. After careful scheming and thinking I've devised a plan to use my blog against him. Two can play the game! Thus, this post won't be published until my plan has succeeded. Since I don't write very often any more I don't know how frequently G reads my journal, so my plan will take several weeks to go into effect.

So, a few days ago, just as I realized I've been taking advantage of all the blessings in my life and pondering over how much I love my life; G shatters my reality...again (see previous post) ! He tells me he found an awesome job that is sure to pan out in our home state. He wants to apply and risk loosing his upcoming raise and promotion. In addition, we agreed we would live in our current home for at least 2 years before moving. Thus, we have yet another argument over the issue. I don't want to move home yet! I am the happiest I've ever been with G and he wants to risk everything we have over his own selfish desires. He wants to move to our college town where I spent the most depressive years of my life. I spent a huge portion of life consumed by thoughts and attempts at suicide. I feel I could easily move backwards into the same mentality, thus I fear moving to the horrid place. Yet, I feel G could care less about my feelings on the issue. So now, we are at a stand still...

I sure miss writing for me. I spend numerous hours each week writing for work so I loose my passion to focus on my own life dilemmas. Thus, I feel my bubble slowly moving to the bursting point because I haven't been allowing the steam to escape. I've been keeping all my inner turmoil, trials, triumphs, and pain locked inside. Looking at my life from a distance, I should be overwhelmingly content and happy. I have a great husband, two precious puppies, an amazing house, no financial concerns, a great church, an unbelievable job, and wonderful friends and family. So why do I still feel as if something is missing from my life? In retrospect so many things could potentially fill the missing pieces, but would I still be left with a feeling of emptiness? I don't feel depressed but may be repressing my true feelings and pain. I am so devastated I may never be able to experience the joy of being a biological mother. I keep hoping and praying a miracle will happen without medical in...

Why does pain exist? What type of pain ultimately becomes more unbearable? Is it the excruciating physical pain that brings one to his/her knees and takes life's very breath away...or the emotional pain of the devastation, destruction, and loss of life from the aftermath of the physical pain? One may never know unless truly experiencing life from second to second when hope becomes the decision to take one more breath, or the feat of getting through another tireless day. To all those who have an amazing family and true friends, don't forget to thank them for making the unbearable bearable. Thank you...