Searching for the Answers...

Prior to my appointment today I was a wreck. However, now I dont' know what I am feeling? The results are in: elevated ca-125 (cancer antigens). The score was over 86 with <35 being normal. My doctor told me not to be alarmed because it can be elevated with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. However, in my search to understand what that score meant, I found this notation on medline: "In the patient who is being evaluated for a pelvic mass, a CA 125 level greater than 65 is associated with malignancy in approximately 90% of cases." Does that mean that I have a 90% chance of having ovarian cancer then? There is some good out of this. She mentioned that the surgeon will have to move up my surgery with that score, so I may get in sooner. She also prescribed me muscle relaxers for the pain to see if they work, since nothing else has. I told G about the elevated score (not the possible high probability of cancer) and he took it hard. I think he was crying on the phone, but I...

I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a train; every muscle aches, and each movement reminds me of how exhausted I am, I wonder how I can possibly even get out of bed and begin the day? Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wa...

What happens during that period of time between uncertainty and certainty, ignorance and awareness, denial and reality? Once the knowledge is obtained it can change life forever; that point of no return. When the option to choose sides arises, where is it better to stand in the end when the outcome remains the same? I feel that I could be approaching that point where everything could change. It would almost be a relief to have a definite answer for once and definite outcome, an end. Part of me wants to fight, the other wants to give up. It has been a long and painful run. Do I tell my loved ones before the prognosis is known to spare them of any unnecessary concern? Why am I not upset? Am I in denial: "it can't happen to me", "I'm too young"; or feeling peace that it could be an end to the suffering, maybe a secret answer to prayer? As it stands I still can't get into see the doctor until Feb 5th. I doubt she can help me. I have another appointment ...

A single rose left to remember As a single tear falls from her eye Another cold day in December A year from the day she said goodbye Seems it's only been a moment Since the angels took him from her arms And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow But as they laid him in the ground Her heart would sing without a sound For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of your life Just open up your eyes A single lifetime lays behind her As she draws her final breath Just beyond the door he'll find her Taking her hand she softly says For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of yo...

Well it seems this week is ending the same way it began with pain. I've been in pain for at least 2 weeks straight now with no relief. I think so much pain can mentally break someone. I can't recall the last time I felt like this, but I believe it was in college. I have been crying almost all day, every day this week. I feel so hopeless and as if there is nothing left to look forward to, except for more pain. I was able to get my records from my ER visit and read through them. I don't understand half of the things noted about my blood work and urine and haven't been able to contact my doctor. I filled my prescription for antibiotics yesterday and started them last night. If I have a so called "bladder infection" as they thought, then I suppose they will help clear it up. I am pissed because now I am killing all the healthy bacteria I built up for the last 2 years. I haven't even been sick since this spring and I ALWAYS get sick after antibiotics, plus a fu...

After this last week of unbearable pain and a trip to the ER, I am seriously wondering what is there to live for anymore? Each day is such a struggle from the constant pain and knowing that I will probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. It seems the only thing I do live for is work. I've been working 12-14 hour days and G has been out of town for the last 3 weeks. I feel so alone. At the ER they ran lots of tests and could only tell me I "might" have a bladder infection and probably had ruptured ovarian cysts. They found more cysts on my ovaries. My choices are pain management or removal of the ovaries. Then I would be put into permanent menopause, which is hell, from previous experience. The pain is so debilitating I can't even move from the fetal position for hours at a time. The pain medication does nothing for the pain, plus I can't take it and drive. I've had a few bladder infections and I don't think I have one. I do everything right a...

For some reason I feel so agitated right now, maybe it's PMS? This week has been so busy with 8 appointments today (1 in 15 minutes), so I may not get to complete my rant. I don't know why, but I have been feeling agitated every time J happens to post new pictures on his FB page. I don't even want to see them, then he messages me and asks if I happened to see his new pictures? Damn it, I don't want to see your risque pictures of you and your girlfriend! It seems that he always contacts me when his life sucks, but then never cares to tell me that it doesn't suck or what happens in between. I'm sorry, but I will not be the person to talk to just when your life sucks! Either we are friends through the good and bad or not at all. So then I wonder...did he get back with his girl friend, does life not suck anymore, etc.? Yet I don't want to ask to seem like I care, because I don't want to give the wrong impression (which he so easily gets). Part of me wants t...