Searching for the Answers...

I realized after reading over my blog that I didn't write about the most amazing, yet challenging aspect of my life. About one month ago G went to a men's breakfast at church where the topic of "fathers and daughters" was discussed. He mentioned some of the information while we were on our way to acupuncture . I absolutely lost it and broke down in tears. I realized I still harbored negative feelings towards my dad for making mistakes during my childhood. I though I had forgiven him, but realized I hadn't, which broke my heart. My acupuncturist mentioned that emotions stored in our bodies actually can manifest as illnesses. Interestingly enough, I developed asthma and allergies about the same time as I began holding resentments against my father. I decided I needed to confront the issue head on and let him know I was sorry for blocking him out of my life and wanted to tell him I forgave him for everything. Due to the complexity of the issue I procrastinated and af...

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. It seems my views have changed substantially since I first entered into the " institution " of marriage; from walking down the isle thinking of divorce, to not being able to image the aftermath. Several close friends are going through divorce right now and I can't see anything good about it. I won't deny that G does drive me insane quite frequently, when I imagine how nice it would be to not deal with his crap. However, I hope I never have to face the tragedy of divorce. I think I may have already mentioned this, but I finally forgave my dad for everything he put me through over 15 years ago. In the process I realized that I was also at fault for completely blocking him out of my life. It was literally the most difficult process of my life! I also realized that my parents resent me for moving away. I'm always the one to call my mom, so I began an experiment. I decided to see how long it would take for her to ini...

I guess that's me! G and I attended a marriage conference that introduced us to the concept of "The Flag Page" ( flagpage .com). The flag page helps you determine what motivates and drives you in life. It helps us determine why we make certain decisions and choices in our lives. We both took ours and I am Perfect Peace. I scored the following 149-perfect, 138- peace, 78-control, and 23-fun. The above list the 4 potential countries one is from. Obviously my "fun button" is broken! The first sentence of "my story" describes me perfectly and explains the essence of my blog, "she is a specialist in attention to detail, thinking deeply about issues that matter, and passionately pursuing the right path". Perfect people are also very sensitive and can be hurt very easily. The page also provides a score for soft and hard traits. My hard traits are 41 higher than my soft, making me an extremely hard natured. A difference of 15 or less makes someone ...

I've been wanting to address this issue for several months. My mom mentioned a few months ago that our decisions in life stem from value judgements. Value judgements result as one experiences life, then makes a decision about how life will be lead according to the positive or negative experience. Value judgements mold the essence of our being and provide a small window into our soul. For example, as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home, I decided I would never let alcohol hurt my family. I didn't drink at all until I was at least 21, and only became intoxicated a few times. I quickly realized a negative habit forming when I craved alcohol to cover up my emotions, so I no longer drink at all. My dad also had an affair that I had to tell my mom about. I resented him for being so selfish and subconsciously swore I would never be with or tolerate a cheater. To my dismay, I married one and essentially became one myself. Thus, my judgement may explain my torment in my decisi...

What a difference a week can make! On Monday I started drinking 3 cups of a specialized Chinese herbal formula. I noticed an immediate difference. For the first time in three months I had energy and didn't crash in the afternoon. The same effects have continued thought the week and I'm even experiencing fewer hot flashes. The only problem is that the formula makes me gag, but it is a small price for the awesome effects. During my Thursday acupuncture treatment my acupuncturist asked if I experience difficulty with decision making. I thought about it, and completely agreed. Prior to her blunt question, I never viewed myself as indecisive. She said it can be cause by an issue with the gall bladder and liver. Supposedly she treated both during my session, so I will see if I feel more decisive. Earlier this week I could not decide if I wanted to take my final injection or not. Once I thought I made up my mind to get the injection, my acupuncturist called and told me she found seve...

The last week has been a blur, complicated by incessant migraines and fatigue. I feel as if I'm literally loosing my mind. I can't remember the events of one day from the next. In the last 1.5 months I've made two mistakes paying my bills, resulting in extra charges and likely decreases in my credit score. I swear I completed the bill payments correctly, yet have nothing to prove otherwise. I've NEVER screwed up my bills before and have twice in 1.5 months? It just doesn't equate? I also have a huge list of things to take care of. I make several calls per week, yet still can't get any of them resolved. I ask G to make the calls and he forgets or doesn't have time. When he does make a call it seems he can reach resolution in a few minutes, when it takes me weeks or months. I hate that I must ask for help because I'm used to taking care of myself, the dogs, working and going to school full time, and our entire household. For some reason I can't even m...

After 8 years I finally apologized to my friend for being a terrible friend. I had a disturbing dream about her a few weeks ago, which highlighted how I really perceived her. In high school she became pregnant and told me she wanted to have an abortion. She could not legally have an abortion without her parent's consent , yet she found a doctor to perform the procedure. I begged her to not go through with killing an innocent life and told her she would regret her decision for the rest of her life. Little did I know that I would regret my decision to be what I considered a "good" friend at the time. Because I couldn't change her mind I decided to support her by helping her get the money to pay the doctor and going with her. I will never forget the trauma I experienced when I heard the machine chopping up her innocent child. Afterwards the doctor gave her birth control pills and told her to abstain from sex for at least 2 weeks. Well she met a new guy a few days e...