Searching for the Answers...

For some reason I haven't felt compelled to write lately. Maybe I have been too busy since G and I have spent every weekend for the last several months in a mad attempt to finish our yard, which still isn't completed. I went on a mini vacation and spent an entire week with my parents and sister, which was great. Although, this morning I felt ready for them to leave, yet now feel so alone. It is 3 pm and I am not even out of my PJ's yet... I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel driven to do anything. I don't remember the last time I cried, but I feel like doing so today, but I can't. The entire time my parents were here, G irritated the heck out of me. Every time I asked him to help me with something he said no or ignored me. He went to bed every night at 8-9 pm, even when he didn't have to work, when he "supposedly" likes my family. I again felt myself feeling so disconnected from him. Maybe I was stressed having a full house? So yest...

Yesterday I while sitting at my computer working I received an instant message...from J! I haven't talked to him in such a long time and don't even have him on my contact list anymore, so I felt shocked. The first thing he said was "hello beautiful". I told him he must have contacted the wrong person because we don't talk anymore. He wanted to know how I was doing and told me the new events that occurred in his life. He told me he was single again and I told him I was sorry to hear about his situation, but just wanted him to be happy. He mentioned he can't seem to find an equal again (alluding I was the only one). He of course asked how my marriage was going and I said fine, but mentioned it is awkward to talk to him because I am married now and not available. The conversation was quite brief and I felt nothing towards J during the conversation. I wanted to tell G, but decided not to since it would more than likely upset him. In hindsight I don't know wh...

Lately I have been feeling content with my life. I resolved the issue with my faith and see improvement in most areas of my life. In church a few weeks ago I realized my super responsible personality negatively impacted my marriage. With every aspect of my life I always felt compelled to have a plan B, C, and D, but realized the lack of commitment to my marriage didn't create the best foundation. My "alternate" plans in my marriage included J and divorce, which I pondered from the time I said "I do". I now know in order to have a completely fulfilling marriage I must throw away the keys to my alternate plans and focus on building a committed/dedicated life with G. Since this realization, my feelings towards G have been intensifying despite our busy schedules. J was my past and G is my future. I still feel compelled to look at J's webpage very frequently, but feel my thoughts of "what could have been?" slowly dissipating. In a way I pity J because h...

A few days ago I was reminded of how many times I "almost" secretly met with J with the intention of determining whether or not to end my marriage. The primary reason letting J go from my life was so difficult involved all the "ironic" events that brought us together and occurred while we were together. I believe divine intervention also occurred to keep us apart on several occasions when we planned to meet. I can remember at least 3 examples: 1. While in college he planned to drive through my town on his way home from school. We talked the night before and had everything planned, then the next day he didn't cal l. I didn't hear from him for over 1.5 months! I came to find out his orders were switched as he was leaving which placed him in a remote location for the 1.5 months, and he never did get to go home. 2. Again, on another trip home he planned to take a 4 hour detour to see me. The morning he left he instant messenged me stating he was leaving and want...

I have been really struggling with my purpose in life lately. I don't know why I am here or even what to believe anymore. A recent bible study rocked the foundation I thought I stood on in regard to my faith. I have so many unanswered questions, and can't seem to find answers I can believe. I hate feeling lost and confused about something as important as my faith. I feel like I am such a failure that I can't even breathe without sinning and becoming more of an abomination to God, thus I wonder...what is the point of even trying to be something I wasn't created to be as a human? It seems the bible is ridden with hypocrisy...so what am I to believe. I hope I live long enough to discover the TRUTH. On the other hand, I dreamed about J again this morning...a few moments before my alarm went off an hour early. All day I pondered as to depicting my dream with words so it can remain in my mind, or merely letting it fade into the facade it more than likely was. Although I don...

Lately, I haven't really been feeling at all, I guess not to any extreme. Maybe I am stable for once? I guess I have been feeling a bit pensive, yet missing my drive for life. G and I were supposed to go on a mini vacation last weekend, but I cancelled because the weather was supposed to be bad. We may reschedule again sometime? G and I haven't been intimate for over 2 weeks now... I am guessing it may have something to do with comments in my last post. I guess it is his problem if he isn't man enough to talk to me about his issues. At least I am trying to be honest with myself. It seems like my relationship with G is so superficial. I ask him how he is doing and I get a one word answer. He doesn't talk to me about how HE is feeling about anything. I am starting to wonder what the point is of even attempting to converse with him. I get a better response from talking to my dogs. Our backyard is finally coming together, yet we still have about 4 or more weekends left to c...

I wrote this comment last, but decided it should be first because I realized why I feel so disconnected and nonchalant right now. I feel so tempted to contact J right now, but I know I can't. I shouldn't be thinking about him or pining over what could have been, so in order to prevent myself from actually following through with my thoughts I must disconnect myself from my feelings and become numb to the world (how sad). I dreamed about J last night and couldn't help thinking about him while making love to G yesterday. I think the hardest part of letting go involves seeing them move on to someone new. I did very well in separating myself from J for a few years until he called to tell me he was engaged, which sparked me almost leaving G several times. I think I went into a deep depression after I found out even though I wanted to be so happy for him. At least he is waiting to make the final commitment until he feels like he can completely commit to her. It has been 2.5 years ...