Searching for the Answers...

I need to be studying, but need to process through a few things on my mind first. It seems that all my emotions have been coming to the surface lately and I need to work through them, even though I don't want to. First, I am wondering what my family's problem is? It seems they have been avoiding/ignoring me ever since our vacation in July. It was our attempt at visiting family while actually doing something fun and vacation like. However, it seems to have backfired. I haven't talked to my dad or brother since July. I talked to my sister once, after calling her over 5 times. She said she was busy and would call me back...which was two weeks ago. I've talked to my mom about 2x, both calls I initiated. I've called my brother at least 3 times and he never calls me back. I am thinking, what the hell? Since they are ignoring me all I can do is assume what their issues are. I'm guessing they are pissed because we aren't spending over $1500 this Christmas to fly hom...

I was just thinking to myself during the last few weeks that it had been a while since I was extremely angry with G. In keeping with tradition with the last 3 years, I couldn't let September pass without doing so. I am so utterly pissed that I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. Yesterday at about 4 pm I called him at work to ask where the key was for the back gate (since he has to lock it all the time), so the pest control guy could spray the backyard. He screened my call and called back about 5 minutes later. It sounded noisy and I asked him were he was? He said "at work" and I questioned him further because I didn't believe him and he insisted he was still working and AT work. He then proceeded to chew me out because I lost the key and should know where he put it. I asked when he would be home and done working and he said "I'm still working! I don't know!". Well at about 8:30 pm he comes strolling in, chewing gum and asks how I'm doing,...

Today I went to Walgreen's and bought a bunch of stuff I plan to give to charity, since I don't use products with chemicals. I purchased $54.76 worth of stuff (air fresheners , lotion, body wash, toothpaste, antacids, etc.) - $5 coupon for spending $20 ( available on Walgreen's website) - $21.11 in manufactures coupons Total: $28.65 w/ tax I used my Walgreen's gift card from last month with $23.94, so only paid $4.15 out of pocket (on this amount I get 5% cash back on my credit card or $.21) Since I purchased items that have a rebate I will get back either $38.26 as a check or $42.09 on a Walgreen's gift card (10% bonus). Most items were free after rebate, but I also used coupons. So, my real total for my "charity" purchases was +$13.65. In essence, I get to help charity and I made money for doing it. This is what I do for fun sometimes. I get to oust my shopping cravings and I make a few bucks. It really doesn't take that long...maybe 5 minutes ...

With all the chaos and destruction of the American economy I have to sit back and think: "What did you expect?" This is what consumerism and capitalism is all about...caniving as much as possible to gain a hefty profit, and never facing consequences for poor financial management practices. In addition, the government is now suggesting a 700 billion dollar bailout of some of the wealthiest companies, which are partially to blame for the housing crisis to begin with! Oh, and they are thinking about limiting CEO's severance packages to not exceed multi-millions of dollars. Great! These companies get a huge reward for corrupt business practices! I guess that is what capitalism is all about, right! And the American public is so brainwashed to believe that it may actually help them, when in reality it is still only making the rich richer. If a small company goes under no one even notices or cares. They are not offered a bailout to prevent them from facing the consequences o...

I love looking back at my past blogs to see what I was doing/thinking/going through at the time. One year ago in September: I took my first yoga class... I now go twice per week and love the relaxing feeling. It is actually one of the few forms of exercise I can do without hindering my fertility. I apologized to my friend for being a bad friend. I started going to acupuncture. I went on a 3 week visit to see my family. I was upset with G for being self-centered (He still hasn't finished the project!!!) Two years ago in September: I was extremely pissed at G, to the point of seriously contemplating divorce. I set the following goals: *Obtain a usable Master's degree that will allow for a significant increase in my salary in the future and opportunity for advancement with possible use of a Doctorate. (I started school in February 2007 and only have a few credits left for my teaching cert. and only 15 left to get my Master's. I really don't want to teach, but want to have ...

This has been an extremely stressful week for my job. I typically bill about 20-22 hours per week, but this week I billed over 36, meaning I worked about 50! I feel it isn't fair someone in my same position has only billed 20 hours for the entire month, yet I have billed over 70 and she is paid more than me! It isn't fair and I keep getting kids added to my case load. We are having a meeting next week to adjust our caseloads so she has a full schedule and I'm not working overtime. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I needed to drink after work. I love the numbness a buzz gives me. Thus, I purchased a few bottles of wine on my way home. Red wine is good for you, right! I just read Graeme's last comment and I really appreciate honest opinions; something I can't get in my daily life, because know one knows all the crap going on inside my head except my blog readers, or they are afraid of offending me. I think if we actually knew what was going on...

I must first start off with "I think my pain medication makes me bipolar". I try to take the less potent meds, but they cause severe migraines. So, I take my stronger ones that make me feel like I am high, so I can work. I can't stop moving and doing 20 things per minute. I am going, going, gone... However, I also feel moody and irritable. My senses are highened and I get easily overstimulated, making me feel overwhelmed. Sounds like I am on speed or soemthing. Whatever it does, it works to dull the pain and gives me energy that I always seem to lack. I'm almost out so will unfortunately have to make an appointment with a doctor. I'm so sick of doctors!!! So back to the real reason I'm writing today. On Saturday our friends told us about a coworker who has a sister that is going to have a baby in November. They said she doesn't want her baby and wants to give it up. It peaked our interest, but I did not even start to get my hopes up. After about an hour di...

I just woke up from a dream about J. I feel frantic, lost, and so confused. I could swear the dream was real and the feelings seem even more real. I don't know how I can begin to forgive myself for not giving J another chance. I pray he can forgive himself too for pushing me away to begin with. It feels like I made the wrong decision being w/ G and that G is only with me because he knows J loves me and doesn't want him to have me. I feel like I can't contain the emotions in my body right now. Every part of me wants to find out where J is and get to him as fast as humanly possible. If J feels or felt anything close to what I am right now I can understand why he couldn't let go. Why did I have this dream? Why does life have to be so confusing? Why do my emotions seem so strong for J that I just want to jump out of my skin? In the dream I was camping with G and J was there. We were all in the same tent and I was cuddling with both G and J. All I wanted was to be alone with...

I don't understand why everyone around me assumes I have a perfect life? Many people in the past month have mentioned that they look up to me and think I am a very strong person. I am humbled by them, but feel so weak and like such a mess. At any second I could just burst into tears although I may be smiling 2 seconds before. I think I use other people in my life as an excuse not to feel my emotions. I don't want to burden them with my countless issues so I pretend I am ok, when inside I am so depressed. Most of the time I convince myself I am fine too, but I've been cracking more frequently during the last month. If I didn't try to get on with my life and actually processed my emotions and my depression I don't think I could get out of bed each day. I need to find a balance between functioning and processing my emotions. It seems like it is one or the other at this juncture in my life. I would describe my relationship with G as "Blah". It isn't good o...