Searching for the Answers...

For two weeks I haven't been able to sleep restfully. The last two nights I've been plagued by dreams of J. I feel so much pressure to run I can hardly breathe. One of my friends was just diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer and given less than 6 months to live. I wish I could take his place, because I don't know how I can go on living a lie. It isn't fair for him to die when he is in love with his wife and has a 1 year old daughter. I feel as if I have nothing but the illusion I created for myself. Today at church we had to write down what we were before and after Christ. I said "depressed (anger turned inward) and bitter" and "forgiven and free". Honestly, I still feel depressed, angry, guilty, and unworthy. For once in my life I wish I could break free from the chains of pain and hopelessness. I don't know why thoughts of J have become so overwhelming lately; and I feel so guilty every time thoughts of him flood my mind. I try to block them ou...

I feel I am getting older and should have accomplished so much more than I have. Thus, I have been racking my brain and exploring as many options as possible to expand my career options and opportunities for the future. I currently have a specific, yet general degree in my field. Although I love my current job, I couldn't make a living on my own and unfortunately similar programs are not offered in my home state. The opportunities to make more than I do now, are slim, even in 10 years. As a SLP I could attend 3 more years of college starting fall 2007 and double my salary in my current location, yet receive only a 10% increase in my home state. I decided the option wasn't feasible if I ever planned to move home. Yesterday my mom sent me a job opening in my hometown with a salary 3 times my current income! The problem arises because I do not have a teaching certification or M.ed, thus I couldn't be considered at this time. BUT...I could get my M.ED or similar online in less ...

Last week was terrible! We attempted to go to the "Divorce Proof Your Marriage" class at church and I didn't even last for half the class before I walked out during a break and walked home. One of the ground rules requested individuals to not insult or be rude to their spouse, but I felt like G completely insulted me when we had to share what first attracted us to our mate. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing in front of so many people. Before we even went I was seriously contemplating ending the hell I call marriage because he lied to me again when I could clearly prove his lie wrong. He still looked at me and lied over and over again. After completing research I realized if I do divorce him I have a great chance of getting alimony, which would solve many of my financial problems. I gave up my education in a much higher paying field so he could be an engineer. In return I am stuck with a low paying job unless I obtain my Master's degree, which will take m...

Reasons why I can't and won't settle with G any longer: Habitual liar. Won't even admit when lying point blank to my face. Twists his so called truth, cheats, steals, and uses any tactic possibly to get what he wants when he wants it. A complete slob. Won't clean up after self to any degree, leaves clothes, dishes, tools, messes for others to clean up. Refuses to take responsibility for own actions and refuses to admit when wrong. Treats me like shit. I am the least important thing in his life and poker, work, friends, money, dogs, and phone come first. Treats me like a maid. Refuses to help with any chores. I clean the entire house, do the yard work, pay the bills, wash clothes, balance the budget, do all the shopping, care for the dogs (brush, bathe, feed, clean up after, shop for, schedule vet appointments) Justifies everything he does because I've done worse. I can't change G and can't accept him for who he is and has become. What my freedom will result ...

Yesterday my tire blew out as I was driving down the highway . I could not stop for several miles, but was finally able to pull off safely. I called G and roadside assistance. I waited for 1.5 hours before the roadside assistance responder finally arrived. I hopefully assisted him with the spare and waited...and waited. Finally the guy told me he could not change my tire because the lug nuts were over tightened and stripped. He then left me again stranded on the side of the road in the middle of farm fields. I again called roadside assistance who said they would send out a tow truck this time and the wait would be another 1.5 hours! I waited and waited some more twiddling my thumbs until G arrived 2 hours from my initial strandation. He thankfully took me home a little after 5 pm. (I am a little agrivated with him though because he normally arrives home around 3:30 and didn't get home until after 5 pm! In addition it took him two hours to come home from when I initially called him ...

Uhhh... I feel better today, not so angry. I think I just felt completely overwhelmed yesterday. My kitchen is almost completed and clean (thank goodness!).

To say the least, this weekend has not been the best. As I sit typing with my ears ringing I find myself angry beyond words. I feel so angry I can feel the pressure on my heart and every part of my body. I have to mentally tell myself to take each breath. I wish I could break down and cry, but don't feel safe letting my walls down because G will use my weakness against me. I honestly didn't know I could possibly hold so much hatred and animosity towards any living thing, but feel so enraged towards G. I don't know exactly why either, because everything that happened is nothing new for us, but maybe the culmination of numerous irritants over the past three days has pushed me beyond my breaking point. On Friday we started tearing apart our kitchen to install granite countertops. We have done nothing but bicker and fight the entire weekend. In addition, G decided it would be a great idea to cut wood and cement board in our kitchen, leaving everything covered in dust, including...