Searching for the Answers...

I have been really struggling with my purpose in life lately. I don't know why I am here or even what to believe anymore. A recent bible study rocked the foundation I thought I stood on in regard to my faith. I have so many unanswered questions, and can't seem to find answers I can believe. I hate feeling lost and confused about something as important as my faith. I feel like I am such a failure that I can't even breathe without sinning and becoming more of an abomination to God, thus I wonder...what is the point of even trying to be something I wasn't created to be as a human? It seems the bible is ridden with hypocrisy...so what am I to believe. I hope I live long enough to discover the TRUTH. On the other hand, I dreamed about J again this morning...a few moments before my alarm went off an hour early. All day I pondered as to depicting my dream with words so it can remain in my mind, or merely letting it fade into the facade it more than likely was. Although I don...

Lately, I haven't really been feeling at all, I guess not to any extreme. Maybe I am stable for once? I guess I have been feeling a bit pensive, yet missing my drive for life. G and I were supposed to go on a mini vacation last weekend, but I cancelled because the weather was supposed to be bad. We may reschedule again sometime? G and I haven't been intimate for over 2 weeks now... I am guessing it may have something to do with comments in my last post. I guess it is his problem if he isn't man enough to talk to me about his issues. At least I am trying to be honest with myself. It seems like my relationship with G is so superficial. I ask him how he is doing and I get a one word answer. He doesn't talk to me about how HE is feeling about anything. I am starting to wonder what the point is of even attempting to converse with him. I get a better response from talking to my dogs. Our backyard is finally coming together, yet we still have about 4 or more weekends left to c...

I wrote this comment last, but decided it should be first because I realized why I feel so disconnected and nonchalant right now. I feel so tempted to contact J right now, but I know I can't. I shouldn't be thinking about him or pining over what could have been, so in order to prevent myself from actually following through with my thoughts I must disconnect myself from my feelings and become numb to the world (how sad). I dreamed about J last night and couldn't help thinking about him while making love to G yesterday. I think the hardest part of letting go involves seeing them move on to someone new. I did very well in separating myself from J for a few years until he called to tell me he was engaged, which sparked me almost leaving G several times. I think I went into a deep depression after I found out even though I wanted to be so happy for him. At least he is waiting to make the final commitment until he feels like he can completely commit to her. It has been 2.5 years ...