Searching for the Answers...

I thought I would be ok today, but I guess I didn't look ok. My friends at work said, "what is wrong? I've never seen you like this before, are you ok? The mail man even asked me if I was ok. I hadn't been crying or anything. I guess my face said it all. I managed to hold in the pain for most of the day. It still hurts so badly, and would be so much easier to repress, but I can't. It is so ironic that I work with families who can't or won't take care of their children and they have tons of kids who they loose their rights to. I on the other hand would give anything just to have one child of my own. It is almost a slap in the face. After doing research, I have about a 1.5% of becomming pregnant, even with IVF because my reproductive system is so inflammed it can't even accept a zygote. If I try every month for 8.2 years I might be able to become pregnant, but the statistics don't account for miscarriage. I really need a miracle! I talked to G for ab...

Although I haven't had time to journal lately, I've been thinking about my life and the purpose my journal serves. Looking through past posts it appears as if my life is always miserable and I never feel happy, but I tend to write only as a venue to alleviate stress and depression in my life. During the "happy" times I don't need to write, so I usually don't. Today I received a devastating blow to my life dream and what I view as the primary purpose of my life. I don't feel like I have words to describe the devastation and heartbreak I am feeling right now. I feel numb, to the point I can't access my feelings because I am trying to postpone the inevitable devastation. I decided I needed to stop being reactive and begin a proactive approach. After 12 long years of suffering extreme pain for up to three weeks of every month I finally found the courage to make an appointment with a specialist to find out the severity of my endometriosis. Today was the day...

"Here By Me" I hope you’re doing fine out there without me ‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you The things I thought you’d never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years? Guess I only see the truth through all this fear, And living without you… And everything I had in this world And all that I’ll ever be It could all fall down around me. Just as long as I have you, Right here by me. I can’t take another day without you ‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong Sorry I can’t always find the words to say But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love… And everything I had in this world And all that I’ll ever be It could all fall down around me. Just as long as I have you, Right here by me. As the days grow long I see That time is standing still for me When you’re not here Sorry I can’t always f...

I feel as if my life is in shambles, but then I wonder what right do I have to feel so terrible when the poor, innocent, victims of Hurricane Katrina really have nothing left, and their lives are emotionally and physically in shambles. Although I may not be able to help them put their lives back together I can at least work on my own. Prior to putting the pieces of my life back together I must first assess the damage (all the stressors which continually put pressure on my life). Last Friday my grandmother had a heart attack. I feel terrible because I want to see her and make sure she is ok, but I am stuck in this hell hole. I am afraid of missing out on the lives of my loved ones. Last week I lost my wallet, but didn't realize it until I was 4 hours out of town for 3 days. I didn't realize how much stress the loss of my wallet placed on my life until I held it safely in my hands today. I miss my family and friends. I want children, but know my desire is unrealistic given my hea...

Today during another emotionally trying day I came to a realization in the depths of despair... I live life in fear. I have two ways to live my life, love and fear, and I sadly admit that I choose fear. In some respect I am afraid to live because the pain each new day brings. Thinking of all the things I fear brings me to tears, because it is so sad. I never thought I of all people would succumb to fear and let it rule my life. I realized all the "what if's" in my life represent my fear of making a mistake or the wrong choice. Every situation that involves J revolves around "what if's"...what if we were still together, what if we are supposed to be together, what if we made a mistake, what if? I think the all encompassing effect of fear in my life prevents me from letting J go. I fear I made a mistake in leaving him, in marrying my spouse, in living alone, in moving on, so I hold on to my memories to obtain some hope that I can correct my mistakes. I'm n...

I found this neat poem on Craigslist.org and it really touched me. The Invitation It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are te...

Here is another picture of my sweet little angel. I just love her to death.

Last night I again found myself enthralled in the drama of another heart wrenching dream of J. I can't remember all of the dream clearly, but I felt like such an emotional wreck. I think J was dating another person yet he wanted to be with me. I felt so terrible and torn and desperate for any sign of affection from him. The turning point occurred when he finally decided to drive off with me. I am wondering if he is struggling with the same issue right now since he did try to contact me. I wish I could just forget. How sad I can feel emotions in my dreams I can't while I am conscious.

Sorry I can't be the shining resemblance of happiness and perfection you expect me to be. I know every one loves the happy, peppy, lighthearted funny person, but that isn't me right now. You may have the ability to flick a switch and go from sad and gloomy to happy in 2.5 seconds, but I don't; believe me, I wish I did. Do you think I actually enjoy feeling miserable, hopeless, and depressed? I certainly don't and would love you to feel the way I do and have people tell you to "cheer up", "smile", "be happy", "life isn't that bad", "life is what you make it", etc., well F#@* off! It doesn't work that way for me. Your little beady eyes and happy shining face don't make me feel any better; you only serve as a grim reminder of the person I wish I could be right now. Sometimes my gloomy depressing moods are a choice, but not all the time. I can't choose to feel HAPPY right now like you think I need to be. I am...

Hmmmm. I'm again struggling to find my feelings. I know they exist somewhere within but can't seem to access the root of my pain. I've felt overwhelmingly depressed today and I can't determine why. I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. I feel a cloud of gloom hovering over my head, blocking the light of day. The very second I think I'm ok, my eyes begin to fill with tears welling from within the hidden unknown of my soul. I unknowingly block family and friends out of my life, ignoring their desperate attempts to find a glimpse of the wonderful person they know hides somewhere within the encapsulation of my being. I love the person I used to be, and also long to find even the faintest resemblance of her, but she is nowhere to be found. I don't even know where to begin searching, as if I am almost afraid to look beyond the person I've become.

J I know you sent a m essage to my old email address in a desperate attempt to contact me. You must know I blocked you from my new addresses and haven't contacted you in months for a reason. I love you, but I have to let go of you, the past, my dreams, and the sweet memories I have of you. Please let me go too, so you can move on and open your heart to someone new. I'm sorry it had to end this way, despite all the plans we made when we were young, in love, and in our teens. We had the best of intentions, but our plans didn't work out. I've moved on and must continue on the path I chose. Please, please let me go...