Searching for the Answers...

I still hang on every word In a world of faded memories Where you're still in love with me I can see it in your eyes A look as if your major tom has lost control I must hold on This happens all the time I still find my faith in you I can't hold on This happens all the time I still find my way to you If the dreams all that I got Then I wish you in a fairy tale Where you're still in love with me I can see it in your eyes A look as if your hero fell and lost his soul I must hold on This happens all the time I still find my faith in you I can't hold on This happens all the time I still find my way to you Cold~ Happens all the Time

I still miss J so much! I still think about him all the time and still wonder what it could have been like if we received another chance. I wish I could leave the hell I am living in to find out, but fear the repercussions of my actions. I feel like I am doomed to live a life of misery. I hate my life, and don't even know why it is worth living. I feel like I am continually wandering blindfolded though life, only walking the opposite direction of the happiness I seek closer to the depths of despair. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to in this life. I wonder if I will ever find contentment. Anytime I think something may make me happy, I only feel more miserable when I obtain it. I can't find contentment within myself and wish I knew how. I know I can't expect others or things to bring me happiness.

On my way home from a hectic day at work I determined I've been shutting down my emotions lately. I have to, just to make it through a day of hell at work every day. I hate that I am resorting to old coping mechanisms, which I've worked so hard to refrain from. I hate my job more than I could ever say. My supervisor is a vindictive bitch! The nature of my job requires a very flexible schedule, which rarely affords time for lunch. Lately I've only been able to take my lunch at the end of the day and proceeded to go home afterwards. On Friday I received a long email from my supervisor, who also forward the email to her supervisor stating that I can't take my lunch at the end of the day and I can't flex my overtime because my coworkers might want to do the same? What the hell? Policy states that I must flex my overtime if at all possible and refrain from overtime whenever possible. I like the policy because it means my job won't necessarily become my life. She stat...

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead Yesterday is a promise that you've broken Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes This is your life and today is all you've got now Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be When the world was younger and you had everything to lose Yesterday is a kid in the corner Yesterday is dead and over This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be When the world was younger and you had everything to lose Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes This is your life are you who you want to be This is your life are you who you want to be This is your life, are you ...

I can't meet Losing sleep over this No I can't And now I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out If my mind would just stop racing Cause I cannot stand still I can be this unsturdy This cannot be happening This is over my head But underneath my feet Cause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way that it was I wish that it was just that easy Cause I'm waiting for tonight Been waiting for tomoroow I'm somewhere in between What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dream Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this Cause I cannot stand still I can be this unsturdy This cannot be happening Cause I'm waiting for tonight Been waiting for tomorrow And I'm somewhere in between What is real Just a dream What is real Just a dr...

Something is missing in my relationship with my husband; I just don't feel passionate towards him. I want the feelings to exist, but they don't. I try to be emotionally present but I'm not sure I know how. The lack of passion becomes especially problematic while we make love. I don't even feel as if I am present and it takes me forever to even kind of get in the mood. I remember a time when I didn't have to "try" to make love or be affectionate, now it seems to be one of my biggest challenges. For some reason I can't find the words to express my thoughts right now. I love G but not the way I want to love my spouse. I used to believe I could choose to love someone, but I now know I can't. I guess on another level I may be subconsciously sabotaging my full expression of love towards G. I just don't know! I continue to have dreams of J, even though I refrain from thinking of him for most of the day. G would like me to tell him, but he feels so ins...

Have you ever asked yourself... What are my priorities in life?, and then actually examined how closely you are actually living according to your priorities? I perform this helpful, but painful exercise on occasion to give myself a reality check. I hate to admit, but for the last 4 years I have been living in survival mode. I couldn't actualize my true "priorities", because I was in the process of trying to survive. My list looked similar to the following although I wanted the same things I do now: Obtain education/advance career Increase financial stability Block emotional pain from life Determine whom to be with relationally I find examining my priorities so difficult because my life never seems to align with my goals. I want my priorities to be the following: Family: I want family to be above all other aspects of my life, but find it so difficult to keep towards the top. G is my family, but my parents and siblings all live in my home state. G's job and lack of amb...

Last night I dreamed about J again. I remember distinctly reading a letter he wrote me in which he pleaded with me to not block him out of my life. I felt so terrible. He also attempted to send me money (I think to go see him), which G intercepted and neglected to tell me about. I think I would do great if I didn't have dreams about him. I can usually control my thoughts while awake, but can't when asleep.

All I can say is work, work, work, work, work!!!!...I hate it! I finished up my intensive 9 week training last week and was placed in an office a good 25 miles from my house...all through a busy city, no interstate options on my commute. So my first day I worked 3 hours of over time and I don't even have a work load yet. I was astonished. My supervisor basically told me to get used to it. I looked at the schedule's of my coworkers whom informed me they hadn't been able to take a vacation in 2 years and I couldn't believe my eyes! So now everything in my being is screaming...quit this job!!! I dread going to work tomorrow. Part of me wants to give it a chance and work there at least 6 mo so I can put it on my resume, but at what expense? I really need to spend quality time with G right now as we are going through a difficult time in our relationship, I need to work out, and damn, I need a vacation already. Family is my first priority and work my last; I can see work easi...

I am still not sure what to think. I became incredibly angry this morning while thinking about the possibility of my spouse reading my blog and playing it off as dreams. I prayed about the situation and instantly felt at peace, and knew he hadn't read my blog. I asked him this evening if he ever read my journal and he said he had on one occasion about 3 years ago when he stumbled across it. This of course being my hand written journal. He said he only read about one paragraph before he had to stop because he couldn't bear to read more. I think he said he was upset with me for 3 or more weeks from what he read and didn't want to put himself through the same torment again. I believe he hasn't read my blog and know he would be honest with me about it if he did. I don't think he even knows what a "blog" is, actually. I only access my blog on our home computer, which he hasn't accessed for almost a month or more. He only uses he laptop. Today he wrote me th...

Wow, a lot has occurred in the last few days and I think I am more or less freaked out. It started on Saturday when my spouse was very emotional, moody, etc. I couldn't determine why and he wouldn't tell me. He kept asking me if there was something I wanted to tell him and of course I said no. On Sunday he mentioned we needed to sit down and talk. He mentioned he was having dreams and had about 8 consecutive dreams, 8 nights in a row, each of which were a continuation of the other. He wasn't mad or angry, just very loving. He told me I was supposed to read Proverbs 7: 1-20 (warning against the adulteress). I was stunned, because I had been shown the same verse about 3 months ago while reading the bible. It was even marked in my bible. He then went on to describe some of his dreams. He said his dreams started about one year ago and continued into the future. He said they involved J and I and he basically went on to describe everything which occurred in the last year! He knew...