Searching for the Answers...

I am still reeling from the events over the last weekend. I can't believe how naive I have been. My entire marriage has been a lie...I should say the last 9 years of my life have been built on lies! From my conversations with G he completely slipped on Sunday and gave me the 100% confirmation I needed to know that he HAS been reading my blog for the last 4 years. His so called dreams were a sham and lie. He used my beliefs and our relationship against me. He said he trusts me, but only as long as he can read my private thoughts without reciprocating. I feel so betrayed. It is not fair for him to read my private journal, lie continuously about doing so, and then use everything he reads against me. In the mean time, NEVER sharing any of his feelings. He is still the same manipulating, lying, controlling person he was when I first met him. How stupid of me to believe people can actually change. I never thought I would face this crossroad in my life, but now I have to decide what I am...

Well, It seems my blog is causing too many issues. Thus, unfortunately I will be deleting it or making it viewable via invitation only (I haven't decided what I am going to do yet). If you happen to be a loyal reader and have a blog, send me a link to your blog and your email address to ramjh@hotmail.com . If I can't verify who you are, then I will not add you. This will only be open for a limited time, then I am closing all access. It is really sad when a person can't even be free to think their own thoughts and write therapeutically without people using it against me, spying and lying about it. This blog will only be open for a short time, so respond quickly. I really do appreciate all the kind words, encouragement, and direction I often needed at difficult times in my life. Thanks so much...you know who you are!

I went to the naturopath on Friday and finally felt like I received some answers! She put me on armour thyroid to increase thyroid hormones. I thought I was supposed to loose weight, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I get my levels retested in 3 months to determine if it is working. I am still supposed to take Lugol's iodine, vitex, and high EPA fish oil. She said I am already doing everything I can. She suggested taking oral Progesterone supplementation because I am deficient. However, I am faced with the same predicament as before. First, the side effects of the oral form and the dose seems too low. Then what to do when I need to start my period....if I am pregnant and stop, it can cause a miscarriage, but continually taking it stops menstruation. I expected an answer for the predicament, but she didn't have one. I was told to just keep taking it until I happen to start my period. I don't see it working as my cycle is already messed up. I've been 2 weeks late f...

I had really been struggling with the fact that J wanted to see me. I wasn't sure what to do, but am so glad Gramae (hope you don't mind the repost) said this in regard to the situation: "You seem very objective about the situation with J and G. What's more important to you- J's need to move on, or G's need to feel secure? You don't know J will move on and find himself a long term relationship after seeing you. It may rekindle something in him, possibly even you. Wouldn't that make your life more complicated than it's already been? Do what your heart tells you to do. If you do decide to meet J- go to G, hold his face in your hands, tell him "You are whom I chose to spend the rest of my life with and whom I love. I would like to see an old friend I haven't seen in years and I need you to be OK with that." Then kiss him, give him the best blow job of his life or screw his brains out, then let him sleep on it. Next morning ask h...