Searching for the Answers...

I feel I am often too harsh on myself because I have unrealistic expectations about who I want to be versus the person I am. I envision myself as this light, fluffy angel food cake that is sweet and looks appetizing, however, I know I come across as something much different. (lol). In an attempt to think of the correct simile I think I'm more like a Big Mac with lots of layers, not sure what is really in it... but very complex, it is heavy, uncertainty at first glance, I want people to like and accept me, it isn't as bad as initially assumed, after a while it starts to grow on me. My trip home went well with the time passing too quickly. One day it was 80 degrees, the next day we were plagued with a blizzard. Just when I think I am ready to move back, the cold and relentless wind quickly change my mind. My heart longs to be near family, but my body screams for me to stay away from the cold. My family seemed to have numerous opinions to share with me about choosing to adopt. It ...

I found this great website that actually lists some accurate information about temperaments and personalities. It seems over the course of my blog, I have struggled in my relationship with G, due to thoughts about J. This section seems to explain my struggle so well, even though I haven't had an affair or nor am I planning one (I am in the "idealist" category): "Most Idealists have a difficult time with sustained infidelity. They have a high need to be true to themselves, and they tend to have a romantic view of love. Infidelity is inconsistent with both of these. If you have made a commitment to a person, being unfaithful to them means being untrue to yourself. Unfaithfulness and romantic love just don't mix. Affairs tend to be short-lived because guilt kicks in fairly soon. " Plus mix in convictions and values from my faith, and we have an intensely complex and contradictory situation! It's never enough to say I'm sorry It's never enough to...

A few weeks ago I learned one of my best friends was in the hospital. I was just planning to see her the day before to give her a reference form for our adoption. She had lupus and struggled with bronchitis all the time. During a breathing treatment she coded and her kidneys also stopped working. When I went to see her the next day she was in a coma. The Dr. gave us her EEG results, revealing no brain activity. Like that, in a short 26 years, her life was over. She left behind a 3 & 4 year old. I couldn't help but think, "Why couldn't it have been me?" I don't have kids that I would leave behind. She is the closest person to me to ever pass away. I'm not sure how to deal with the grief or if my symptoms are grief related. I haven't been able to cry over her tragic death. However, I can't sleep and find it hard to breathe. I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get enough air. She was such a good ...

Humanmetrics Personality Profile Your Type is INFJ Introverted 89% Intuitive 38% Feeling 38% Judging 78% This may explain why some readers are so frustrated with me and my complex, emotional thinking. However, it is me...the rare personality. Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ) Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal prob...

Today my heart sank as I listened to a message from the Dr. They wanted me to call to get my lab results. I have anxiously awaited all week for this call, but why was I so nervous and trembling as I hit redial? As the words came out I felt shock, yet relief. Relief because maybe I finally had somewhat of an explanation as to what has been ailing me. I now have to see an endocrinologist for additional testing to determine what else I may or may not have. The name of the game seems to be Hashimoto's Disease. Essentially, an auto-immune disorder, the body attacks the Thyroid gland, leaving it ineffective, resulting in hypothyroidism. Thus, I may have an explanation for a array of symptoms including: pale complexion, low cold tolerance, depression, memory loss, joint pain- especially in the shoulders and hips, dry skin/hair, hair loss, fatigue, random weight gain, muscle cramps, high LDL cholesterol and slow pulse. In retrospect, I can see the symptoms fall into place, especially in co...