Searching for the Answers...

On Saturday I will be going on vacation for 12 days. We are flying North to meet my parents for a 9 day road trip. We will then go back to our home town for a few days. We planned the trip almost 4 months ago. However, it now seems to be the worst possible timing. My back has been killing me lately. The pain has been getting worse for two years now. Before, if I worked all day outside I wouldn't be able to walk in the evening if I sat down, even for 10 minutes. Now if I vacuum or even do yoga it sets off an episode. I've tried doing strengthening exercises for my back, but then I end up in bed for a week. Last Thursday it started hurting after meditating in yoga. For the first time it didn't go away after I went to bed. My acupuncturist thinks I have a ruptured or herniated disk. She wants me to get an MRI of my back and brain. Thus, I have to see a Western medical doctor to get a referral. I will have to plan strategically, because I don't want to take any chances if I...

Maybe someone could tell me why my blog keeps changing my text to Hindi? I have to type in the "edit HTML" window or the text turns to Hindi. English isn't an option on the pull down bar, only other aramaic languages. A few months ago I linked a previous blog to my current blog। When I first started the other blog I sent links to some people I knew। Thus, if they remember the link 2 years later they can also see my "anonymous" blog. I felt vulnerable at first, but now I don't care. If someone I know reads my blog and thinks differently of me or judges me, then let the one who has lived a perfect life be the one to throw a stone. I'm human, but the best thing is that I try to learn from my mistakes and I've come so far. I'm not afraid of the past, nor am I afraid to look back and see the imense journey I've traveled to get where I am today. This week I made a few resolutions for myself. One of my largest struggles in life revolves around my di...

I should be working or completing papers for school, however I'm stalling. I just read Gramae's blog, which I haven't visited for a long time. He reminded me that even though we are over someone, we may still think of them in retrospect to make decisions and adjustments to the future; which brings me to thoughts of J. He deleted his myspace account, so I have no way of knowing anything that is going on in his life, aside from asking him directly (if I even remembered his email address). I decided I'm ok with letting go. I really want him to find happiness. I wish he could realize happiness doesn't have to be with a specific person. Life is what you make of it despite your current situation. Part of me still wonders if we could have been happy together, and I honestly don't know? A huge part of me knows how immature I was 9 years ago and all the drama may have been too much. The part that kills me is that I'm fairly sure he isn't a Christian. Would having...

I almost forgot how good it felt to vent via my blog. Life has been so crazy and busy I just can't find the time. I feel like I've made some progress towards my goals. However, I still have constant battles from within. My health has been the number one factor and battle. I continue to go to acupuncture on a bi-weekly basis and drink 2 cups of awful herbal concoctions per day. Why???????????????????????? Well, somewhere inside I still have a ray of hope that I may be able to conceive children some day. I actually drink squirrel dung!!! Am I crazy or desperate? On the other hand, part of me wants to let go. I think I have for the last three months. I blocked out the emotions that make me feel sad in exchange for complacency and lack of apathy. For the last few weeks I've felt like I have a ton of bricks on my chest. It hurts to breathe and I have to consciously remind myself to breathe. It feels like I can't get enough air. I'm supposed to be working on deep breathin...