Searching for the Answers...

Lately I've been so stressed! Every time I have a day set aside to work on my school work something happens so I don't end up getting anything done. I was supposed to mail a package last Friday, and didn't get around to it. I asked G to mail it all this week and he blew it off. I couldn't since I had to attend state mandated trainings earlier this week and didn't get home until after 5 pm. So today I got ready and left for the post office at 3:40 pm. The line was out the door, so I drove to 2 other post offices that usually aren't so busy. Given my luck, one was closed indefinitely and the other one closed at 4 pm, so back I went to the first post office where I waited in line for 40 minutes!!! I didn't end up getting home until 5:30. I am so pissed! What a F... ing waste of my day! I usually weigh and ship letters from home, but this one had to be taken to the post office. Next weekend G is flying to MT for a 3rd interview and they want to show him how ...

On V-day I was shocked to receive an email from J's sister. I haven't seen or talked to her in 7-8 years and didn't even realize she remembered me. I'm wondering if J said something to her, because she mentioned a lot about J and repeated almost everything he recently told me, but in more detail. She said he has met a lot of new people and was engaged (but the girl has moved on I guess), but now is single still looking for that "special someone ". She told me how she was doing and asked how I was. It just seems odd I would hear from them both in such a short period of time. Do you think J asked his sister to email me or is it just a fluke? G and I did absolutely nothing for V-day. I have a card for him, but didn't give it to him yet, because I'm hoping he plans to do something this weekend. My only gift involved him mentioning he has a job offer in MT! Although he was super elated, I just couldn't share his joy for many reasons. First, he told me ...

So much for going to bed at 10 pm tonight. I feel like such an idiot! As I was browsing over my last few posts I realized G is my burden. I initially thought it was J. My life has been so miserable since I met G (my fault for not leaving). Every time something like this happens I some how convince myself it will be the last time, like the cycle of an abusive relationship where the battered person keeps returning to his/her abuser. I don't know why I can't let G go and move on to a better, happier place? I guess I am afraid of the unknown. Staying seems easier than taking the gamble of a better life (as I sit here with tears running down my face). I want to leave so badly, but feel like I am chained to my relationship with him. I think the only way I can ever leave is if someone physically removes me from this situation. I don't know how I can actually remove myself? I already feel so overwhelmed with all my commitments , let alone trying to navigate through a divorce and ...

Message received from J on myspace ... Sfta (in the words of Grame ), Hey there long time no talk I just thought I would say hi and see how you are doing. It looks like things are going great for you too. You both seem happy and that is great and key. You found yourself a great man and I am happy for you. I just wanted for you to say hi to everyone in your family too, I miss them all still. Tell Z congrats on getting married too. Good luck in all you do!! Looks as if everything is going great. As for me I am single again, and well still wondering if I will find that perfect someone, still in San Diego working with dolphins everyday. Take care, J Is there any underlying meaning or is he just trying to be cordial? I shouldn't even care. I wrote him back a generic message. If only he knew the real me and my so called "happy life".

This is an excerpt from a weekly message sent out by B.G. (don't know if I can use her name). Occasionally she shares messages she receives from God. This one really made me think about the creation, destruction, and release of burdens. They become so ingrained in our life to the point we don't even realize they are slowly poisoning us. I would encouraged anyone to truly think about the statement and reflect on the message during the next week, even if you don't believe in God or a higher power. "Come unto ME, and place your burdens at my feet. Open up each one of the burdens you are carrying around. Start with the heaviest one. It is the one that you have had the longest. It is the one that you do not really want to lose, because it has almost become a part of you. But, it is also the one that poisons you the most. Examine the heaviest burden carefully. You know in your heart exactly when you accepted this burden into your life. Tell me about this problem, and ...

I love this quote from one of my favorite new songs called "Missing Pages" from Seventh Day Slumber. I will have to think about what this statement means to me? Is my life a "symptom of a lost soul"? I know my soul isn't lost, but am I on the right path? I guess I will have to keep searching. By the way, I am dead tired today. I felt so energized yesterday after NO sleep I bathed and trimmed my dogs, cleaned my house, saw 6 clients, and finally took down my Christmas stuff. I did sleep last night, but obviously not long enough. I have 5 days of training left the next 3 weeks and am not looking forward to spending 2.5 hours in traffic each day or tomorrow .

Ok , so I didn't even sleep a wink last night. I should be dragging and crashed on the sofa right now, but I feel as if I slept all night. I'm actually feeling much better today and more full of energy than I normally do 75% of the time. CRAZY, I say. I feel like I am taking uppers or something, as I've been running around like crazy today. I don't care if I sleep or not as long as I feel good. I also feel joyous today, which I haven't felt for several years! Despite my great mood, I still haven't looked at my classes that started today. I know I will do well because I am a perfectionist. I've been pondering over writing a positive post about G for once. I just have to think of enough good things to say.

Life has been going so, so. No major meltdowns in the last week, as I've slowly been building myself up from my last break down (aka- last post). Again, I thought I was doing great until... da -duh - duuhhh ... I receive a "friend request" from (you guessed) J on myspace !!! Yes, yes. So, as I mentioned for the 100 th time I should be over him, I don't want to have feelings for him, so why is my stomach turning in knots right now and I feel like I can't breathe? Obviously, this reaction doesn't mean I'm completely over him (and I need to be over him). I guess my life is twisty and confusing, which I just need to accept. Ok , I'm going to bed and I WILL NOT dream about J. I will forget he ever requested me as a friend and not respond. Ok, so now it is 5 AM and I haven't been to sleep at all. I guess I was right in saying I would not dream about J, because I didn't sleep. Yay, it should be a fun day ahead. I am not an insomniac, so why can...