Searching for the Answers...

I'm on the verge of what...I don't know? I feel myself drifting into the verge of a breakdown, but hey, I could be on the verge of the ever illusive happiness and joy. The last several weeks have brought nothing but disappointment and devastation . I found out I have "sinus disease"...what ever that means other than chronic sinus infections, possible surgery, drugs, and pain. I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks. I've been trying to sort through my ever increasing fertility issues and found out my insurance doesn't cover infertility, but will cover treatment for my extreme pain. All of the procedures I need, although related to my "pain", will be out of pocket since they can potentially "increase my fertility" (which is BS!). I also found out G has low sperm motility and count, so no wonder we can't produce anything. A few days ago I decided to register for classes. I didn't really think it through, but signed up as a full-tim...

For the past few months G and I's primary conversations have been arguments. We can't even talk w/o arguing about anything! I just realized my semi-positive perception of our relationship relates to me stonewalling. I'm just not even the least bit upset or frazzled when we argue any more, because I've mentally checked out of our relationship. I am fed up with his rude and demeaning treatment. He called me 3 mintues before "we" were supposed to arrive at a meeting to say he couldn't attend so I had to. Given this is the first time he told me I was supposed to attend with him. Previously, he mentioned that he had a meeting- for him. So, now that he can't attend he calls and tries to manipulate me by changing his story to: "we have a meeting at 5:30 and I can't go". He didn't even bother asking if I could go (I was working) and hangs up on me when I question his attitude, after he says- "you better be there". Well b-i-a-c-h, I ...

After a 2.5 week vacation to visit my family I am happy to be home. At first I felt sad, but when I woke up alone to blue skies and sunshine my contentment returned. Instead of making the traditional "I resolve, yet will unlikely achieve", I decided to come up with a more realistic resolution. I am only one person, thus I can only accomplish so much. I will not be so hard on myself and not waste time stressing over the small or unimportant tasks. I will do the best I can with the resources at hand and accept it is the best I can do. I would also like to become more in touch with my emotions (yeah, I know it sounds mushy ). I want to know why I feel the way I do about certain aspects of my life. I want to know why: I feel happier, more determined, and more relaxed when away from G. I want to, but then don't want to move home to my family. I dream, but don't attempt to achieve my dreams. I can't stop thinking about J. I care about what other's think. I am ungrat...